THE SECRET

Near the end of 2003 I read Stephen Covey’s ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, and this sent me into this brooding that I mentioned in an earlier post. I am now nearing the end of 2007, and I have just come from watching ‘The Secret’. (An aside - I have read a lot of books, and watched a lot of movies and documentaries that have been pivotal in my life – such as the book ‘Meeting the Mad Woman’ which I quote all the time, and a few others I cannot recall just now, but I think books and movies are the principle way that I get to know stuff…)

So, ‘The Secret’ – it has definitely always been operating in my life, although purely by accident.. I always wondered why I seemed to have been born with the proverbial silver spoon in my mouth, why bad things never seemed to happen to me (or at least, why I never feared that they would happen), but I realise that it is because I always expected good – I mean just now I remember how I put myself in really dangerous positions (really innocently though), and to this day I have no idea how I survived!

What ‘The Secret’ says is that we create our reality. We create our health, our prosperity (or lack of it), our relationships, name it! It is summed up as the law of attraction, where we get what we attract into our lives (Now obviously this is not a new idea but I think I have never got it so clearly as I have today). A cousin of mine gave me a book some years ago (mainly because it did absolutely nothing for her) and there was a story about a little boy who was lying in bed one night and I can’t remember how it came to be but he got to talk to his personal genie or angel or whatever. So the Angel tells the little boy to ask for whatever he wants and that the Angel would grant it. The boy replies that he has no more faith because his prayers are never answered. The Angel says ‘But of course they are – give me one example of when they haven’t’

The little boy says ‘Well, I prayed and prayed that I wouldn’t be sent to Aunt what-her-name’s place (can’t remember the name) to spend the holidays and I wished and wished I wouldn’t be sent there but I still got sent there.

‘Well,’ the Angel said, ‘whatever you think about you get. You thought so much about your Aunt’s place that you ended up going there’

I remember this story really striking a cord with me. A room mate of mine once told me (she had studied psychology at one point in her life) that the mind cannot differentiate between ‘I want’ and I don’t want’ – as in if you say ‘I hope I don’t forget’ your mind will register ‘forget’ and you will indeed forget but if you say 'I hope I will remember’, your mind will actually prepare you to remember. So the Secret essentially says the same thing – you attract what you think about! The life one has is the life one has attracted to one self by what they spent time thinking about. A friend of mine has recovered from (quite serious) cancer recently ut she says the entire time she knew she would be fine, and wasn't afraid to die at all! I have to say that the secret wa sat work in her life too.

So the other day my Senga and I had a talk and she asked me to think about WHY I attract the men that I attract – i.e. the ones that I DON’T want! (or was it a friend of mine pointing this out?) After watching the secret, I see very clearly how come I am attracting these men –

1. I talk about the men I don’t want and their various nagging qualities ALL the time!
2. I hold the belief that this country is full of men I cannot relate to

So NO WONDER!!

Anyway, the bottom line is that The Secret says that one should think about what they WANT, and not only think about it, but also visualise it, and put themselves in a state of having already received it. For instance – if you want a certain car, visualise yourself sitting in it, feel the feelings you would have driving that car, and you will begin to attract the car.

One thing that I found crucial is that for one to think ABOUT what they want, they must first KNOW what they want. In my case, I think I know what I would like, but I am too ashamed to really admit these things. For instance, I would like to have nice shops around me, I would like to have fruit and vegetable shops around me that I could find any ingredient in to make the recipes that I have saved on my computer. HECK, I would like to travel the world!! The Secret encourages one to think about the eventual thing, not the means, so I realise that for instance, I have tended to think that I would like to have all these ingredients at my finger tips but I live in the wrong city, or I would like to travel the world but I don’t make enough money, and on, and on.. Over and over, I negate or contradict what I desire and no wonder it doesn’t come to pass.

Take travelling for instance – on the small income that I have, I do travel twice, thrice a year – so why do I look at my circumstances?? As for cooking, I have become a better and better cook (I would like to think), and enjoy what I cook – and I think this has come about ever since I stopped saying ‘I can’t cook!!’ The other day I was confidently going to prepare four or five new dishes to serve a t a brunch for my sister’s birthday!! (I'm still going to prepare these and make an eggless Christmas cake that will totally rock!)

Anyway, all in all, from now on, I am going to be bold about what I want (it’s what I want, who cares how petty or selfish or silly it is? More to the point, I will believe that it IS possible and IS sure to happen!!) I have heard about positive thinking a lot, and The Secret is kind of positive thinking, but while positive thinking by itself has never really struck a chord with me, The Secret has because it goes beyond positive thinking – it focuses on an end and sends a specific request out into the universe. Positive thinking to me was more wishy washy general positive thinking.

The book ‘Emotional Intelligence’ was another book that really spoke to me – and in the Secret it says that one can literally control their own emotions. For example: when I got up from watching The Secret, I felt my head pounding with a terrific headache, and I caught myself frowning and wondering why and concentrating on the headache and cursing it and all that, then I thought hey, let me concentrate on a clear head, so I begun to visualise my head clearing, calming down, etc. and almost immediately the headache begun to recede – this is something that I just done now, in the last 20 minutes! And I have no headache as we speak!

Last year, I visualised Belgium into being – of that I am 100% sure!! For weeks I thought of nothing else!! I really, really wanted to go!! And I did! Earlier today when I was in that meeting and hating it, or when I am grading papers and hating it, well, it must be an indication of how much I love myself if I can allow myself to do things I don’t enjoy. I mean I have to say that until earlier this year I really enjoyed my work, but for months now I have been feeling off kilter and as the secret says, as soon as you feel negative feelings - frustration, irritation, depression, anger, etc., then you are out of alignment with what you want! Although on the other hand, about these tasks that I find so stressful, can infuse myself with good feelings about them and not hate them at all. But more importantly, the benefit of thinking about what one REALLY wants is that one will not stay in a situation they do not want for any length of time!!!

So, what is the conclusion of the matter?

I will now go back to my house and think about what I really want, and I will begin to say these things, and think these things, and SEE these things, and I feel certain that these things will come to pass. Off the top of my head, and thinking back over my desires the last few weeks, I would say the things I want include:

1. Getting into that PhD programme (Why? I like the sound of Edinburgh, I want to find out the solution to the problem I have set out to study, it will be nice to live in the literature capital of the world, I want to experience a new culture, I will be near the rest of Europe and will travel around, etc.) I have to think this over – am I concentrating on the means (getting into the programme) or the on experiences I want (travel, etc.)?

2. Becoming a published author: When I read all the books that people have written, I begin to doubt that I have as much imagination or talent, but from now on I will believe that I have a special and unique talent, and I will not be longlisted, nor short listed, but that I will win the Man Booker Prize for new author!

3. What else? I will think of these later. Oh, I want a new job. British Council has invited me for an interview (something I honestly did not expect!) but there is this Norwegian NGO in Sudan that I applied for a job with and it pays a whole load and I think at the moment, I would like to earn a big salary, so I have to think about what I want again.. Incidentally, a friend of mine gave me 'The Secret' to watch because I was telling her that I have always felt that even though I have never gone to a single interview in my life, I have always known that as soon as anyone invited me to an interview then I was going to be irresistible.

Right, I will be off now. Maybe I should start to visualise internet in my house!! All this having to walk up and down is just not on!

Hey, guess what? I think this big change that I foresaw (visualised?) may just be taking place already!! Did I speak too soon? Ah well, I did say it wasn't over till it was over.. Oh, one last thing - the best part of visualising good and success and all that is that one's day to day life is completely free of stress and worry - for instance I just remembered that we shall be hosting my sister's in-laws this Sunday but I am going to start already seeing it as a success!

Oops, I also want to be a loving, committed relationship - how come I always forget to ask for this? I have to work on that I see!!

SIGH...

Last week of work.. Most of the staff are gone, and if I hadn't sweet talked one of our interns to stay, I would be all alone in the office.. Certainly the work I am doing now can wait until next Semester but why put off until next semester what I can do this semester - besides, marking exams is my least favourite task so I don't want to start a new year with unpleasant tasks!!

This morning, I went to a meeting of the University Research and Publications committee, at which I represent my faculty but at one point I had to feign illness and step out because BY GOD It was boring!!! It got me to thinking that what I was reading recently on the lack of companions on my spiritual path is extending to work… The chairman of the meeting is one of those old school types who read every word of the minutes and drones on and on about a point that has clearly been exhaustively discussed; and to make everything worse, we were not provided with even a drink of water despite the fact that the meeting dragged on for hours (!) and that we are all part of this committee on a purely voluntary basis – you’d think some one would think of little comforts like those.. (The director of research is also old school like that – take your comfort from the fact that you are providing a service – what hogwash!!)

Anyway, I think all this is made more difficult by the fact that I have lost ALL energy to continue at this job – and I think this is an important lesson for me in staff motivation – people will usually be willing to go the extra mile if they feel appreciated, valued and challenged. In this whole quagmire of a university, I don’t feel as if even my own immediate supervisor listens to what I say – I mean I tell the man that I don’t feel as though I fit in the program as it stands in the faculty and he says he is sure I can fit – huh? Are YOU listening to me?? Mbu and I shouldn't lose morale because they still need me in the faculty – well, how come I am the only one who can’t tell? I even tend to think his romantic interest in me is clouding his judgement – I should just write my resignation letter – that ought to jog him out of his dream state! (Yes, he is the colleague of the Cape Town fame!)

Ah well, looks like this year's holiday season will be just like 2003 – that was one broody holiday – my family were really worried; they thought I was depressed or something, while actually I was hatching a serious plan to change careers, and this I did successfully within the first six months of 2004. Basically, just like now, I was completely fed up with what I was doing at the time and felt compelled to make a change..

Speaking of change, a few days ago I was reminded of the strong feeling I had at the beginning of the year that by the end of the year my life would be completely different – well, two more weeks before the year ends, it is not too late. Whatever the case, I better get back to grading assignments, atleast that will be THAT task out of the way.

AN AUTHOR IN THE MAKING?

I just got back from a week in South Africa (four days in Johannesburg and four days in Cape Town) – J’burg was a lot of fun, caught up with one of my girls that lives there, and went to a church service that moved my disbelieving soul deeply!! (More about that later) I also tried and tried to no avail, to locate a poet that I met in Durban in ’05 (lives in J’burg) – that was too bad, it would have been really nice to hang out. Then did quite a bit of shopping too, though I kept not calculating the price of things in my own currency so I quickly run out of money!! No matter though, opportunity only presents itself so often!

Cape Town: Oh my God!! Breathtaking!! We had really good weather the day I was there so I managed to take the tour bus around town, took the cable car to Table mountain and walked around on top of it – and so lucky was I that I was told that soon after I left the mountain the cable car didn’t run anymore because the weather conditions on the mountain got too rough (winds in Cape town can get up to a speed of 100kph – they will turn over a Double Decker bus apparently!!)

We moved on to the venue of our meeting, among the wineries and grape farms of Stellenbosch – that was quite breathtaking too, with the skyline being dominated by these hulking rocky mountain ranges, and the sun setting over them, and clouds rising up from behind them and slowly spilling over into the valley before us every evening – simply stunning!

Anyway, the meetings went very well but my colleague was more insufferable than ever – At first I tried my best to ignore his – uhm, how do I describe his statements? His conversation consists of him mentioning the places he has been and what he has done on aeroplanes and in airports as if the mere mention of these names and things makes them interesting – in fact he will usually preface these announcements with ‘you know what is interesting? The airport in Bangkok is built soo weirdly!!’ One will turn their attention to him and wait. He will be silent, satisfied with this little nugget of info. You'll think 'Yes, weird - how though?' He'll figure this in itself is informative and enlightening. He'll give a little chuckle. You realise he has nothing to add so you give up, and wait to discover for yourself one day what he meant by 'built weirdly'.

Or, one of those days we were eating Ostrich – well he was eating Ostrich (I was eating a divine vegetable dish) when he goes:

‘You know, one would never guess this was a bird!! It tastes so strange’

I’m still willing to engage in small talk at this point: ‘what do you mean?’ I ask.

He’s like ‘It tastes like enew or kangaroo’ Well, thanks for clearing that up for me! You know perfectly well that I have never been to Australia and I don’t even know what an Enew is buuut, my powers of imagination are really highly developed so, nooo problem! (I had to google Enew just now – turns out it is even spelled ‘Emu’ Hmmmm. By the way, it looks kind of like a turkey or an ostrich anyway so I don’t know why he was surprised!)

And then there are the exaggerations - sometimes downright lies – like telling our South African colleagues, with me sitting there, that all the roads out of Kampala have been dug up – so not true! And today I heard him complain – with a straight face, to our ICT guys that one can access our internal mail much faster off campus!! SO not true – I was with him and I also checked my mail on his laptop and he is totally lying!! Anyway, he is in a constant cold war with those guys because he thinks they are too incompetent and he knows better – so any cheap shots he can get in, he will! That’s another thing about him – he fights so unfairly and tries to get the upper hand by bullying others or making them look bad.

Then there are the generalisations and the absolutes: those guys have no clue what they are doing; you can trust Ugandan carpenters to mess it up every time; they always change the boarding gate numbers at the last minute, and they always send you all the way to the opposite end of the airport.. today someone brought us a 2008 calender and we all crowded round to have a look (the office is winding down so we jump on these distractions) - admitedly not the best graphics but the moment he clapped eyes on it he goes (with disgust)

'There are no graphic designers in Uganda!!' I just walked off and clamped my mouth shut..

Then the arguments: cyclic, or baseless or him vehemently disagreeing with other people’s perfectly sound arguments, and then buckling under the combined pressure of their counter arguments and slyly changing his position: ‘that’s what I have been trying say all along – you guys were not listening!’ Yes, our fault.. of course!

Finally there is stating the obvious, reading street signs or menu items aloud to fill silences, sudden bursts of singing or chortling or impersonations – also to fill silences, and general fidgeting – all the while glancing at me to judge my reactions – it came to a point when I stamped an expression of boredom on my face and left it there!

Then when I could no longer ignore him, I tried to join in all the small talk, but trying so hard not to sigh with exasperation or hold back a sarcastic comment also begun to take its toll, so finally I just took a note book out of my bag and vented in there..

Dear God, I sound so judgemental, so bitter (catty, superior, name it) – all the things I really hate to be – I have been wondering if this outpouring of bile is a result of seeing something of myself in him – they always say that the things that one hates in one self, one absolutely cannot stand in others. I am still exploring this possibility because honestly I have never felt this negatively towards another person – except perhaps a cousin of mine, who is still the only person who has ever driven me to a fist fight, such as it was…

I wonder if I am on one side of the proverbial thin line – shall I one day come to love him as obsessively as I - what – I don’t want to say hate him, coz I have no reason to hate him, and what does hating someone mean anyway? I simply can’t stand him!! I just wish he would disappear from my life…

Anyway, after that notebook was out of my handbag, I wrote and wrote and wrote.. I wrote so much that I wore out a whole pen and I got more than halfway through a good sized notebook! Maybe 50 or 60 pages! So now I am wondering if I have the makings of my first book - although I will have to change a few details otherwise I will be so busted!

Ah well, that aside. I participated in the MTN marathon with my two sisters two days ago, did the 10km route but my God – that was tough!! Our youngest sister run the whole way and my sister and I walked/run - my sister walks sooo fast, and does this sooo effortlessly, I was just left wondering what kind of sportsperson I am if I cannot walk 10 km! So today, I am going walking, gotta up the exercise!!

Otherwise quite swamped with work, end of the year, been away a whole week, and all that... So I’m off for my walk now, later..

LOST - ALL OF A SUDDEN

Sooo, what next? I have been feeling kind of lost the last few days, and today I realised that I have been unconsciously asking myself 'what next?' Went walking with a friend of mine today, and talked it over. I told her that it was difficult to describe exactly what I had been feeling – lost? Uprooted? Foreign? Misplaced? When we came from walking, we passed by the staff pub and Africa Magic was showing on the TV as usual – I told her that finding Africa Magic playing all the time was one of those small things that usually managed to intensify my feeling of alienation!

Before going for the walk, I tried to think about why I have been feeling like this – and I wondered if part of it was this being chased by men I don’t want, and pining for men who don’t want me – case in point – er, ach, don’t want to talk about it! I AM willing to talk about those who want me though: I’m off to S.A. in a few days - I feel, under false pretences– there is no way I am ever going to date this guy, and of course he is trying his best to woo me and more power to him and mine is to receive BUT – he stands no chance – so knowing this, I feel as if going on this trip is completely unethical!! (And ok, his decision I know but ALL the same!!) For that matter, I think I also feel this way because I feel as if he is forcing me into this in a way – pretending it is work when really he just wants to get his chance – AGAIN – OK! I chose to go so he is not forcing me to do anything. Moreover, in all this, I may be TOTALLY off – and this is what I hope is the case…

Going to the work front, I decided that I was just doing the wrong thing in the wrong place – no wonder I felt so misplaced!! The goals and direction here have changed so drastically the last few years that come next semester, I will be down to 3 hours a week – too few for a full time position – so we have been looking around for how I can increase them… As we continued walking, I begun to toy with the idea of completely chucking it in, and as soon as this idea came to me I felt a great weight lift off my back – although after a few minutes of thinking about it, I decided that it would perhaps be more practical for me to keep the three hours and change from being full time to being part time. That way, I can give time to my other pursuits (which frankly, I have been neglecting, only adding to my poor well being...)

Anyway, as we speak, I feel SOOOO much better – I know just what I need to do. I will do the part time thing here (if they will have me), do The Big Picture business, and in nine months’ time start my PhD and hey presto!

WONDERS NEVER CEASE

I think I may have turned a corner in my culinary skills (or do I speak too soon?). I cooked something so tasty today that I couldn’t talk myself out of taking seconds – of my OWN food – this has never happened (or has happened sooo rarely that - er, no, it has NEVER happened!!) The reason I think I have improved to this extent maybe due to the fact that I now follow cookbook recipes faithfully, and although I still cannot resist the odd embellishment, my little rebellions do not result in the total disasters they did before!! Maybe I know better what works with what and what doesn’t (or maybe I have better sense than to defy my culinary betters!!) I cannot believe that it was this simple all along!!

(In due recognition of this corner in my life, I looked up the word 'culinary' just now, to be sure it pertained to cooking and not eating – I wasn’t even sure of a word so closely related to cooking – goes to show!)

You should have seen me two weeks ago – preparing a menu for my sister’s birthday brunch like I regularly turned out a loaf of bread and three different salads as part of breakfast!! Too bad she had to work so we had to put off the brunch, and then I wasn’t available the day she was free!! But not to fear, this Brunch shall come to pass!! Anyway, I am now more inspired than ever SO - WAIT for it – I'm going to bake a CHRISTMAS CAKE!!! :-)

My new found confidence may also be in the fact that this last weekend, I found out that the mysterious ingredients ‘basil’ and ‘mint’ are common garden weeds (well, almost! - they practically grow wild in my parents’ backyard!!) – I hope no serious food lovers discover this entry and lynch me – I say this in complete jest please – nobody respects and loves food more than I!! :-)

Speaking of wonders, I managed to log on to Blogger to post this – may wonders long continue!!

AHHH, life…

I lent a friend of mine two books recently: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress' and 'Vernon God Little' - two books that I thought were really well written, though perhaps not exactly what I would call entertaining - basically too dark for that.. HER description of the books was 'a little disturbing'... :-) I have to say I liked that description!! She for her part lent me a book by Marian Keyes (sp) - I read another book by her in my youth - 'Last Chance Salon'(loved it!) - but I found that this last book, while quite entertaining, was difficult to relate to. It had this unreal fairy tale quality to it that just didn't ring true with me, and even when there were shocking or sad parts, I wasn't really moved!

Well, this afternoon I just finished with another disturbing book by an author known as Siri Hustvedt entitled 'What I Loved'. It is the kind of book that I immerse myself in and read in two days (sometimes neglecting some of my work) but that I will forget all about in another few months! I think this is really sad so I have decided to keep track of all these kinds of books because frankly, not all books can be 'One Hundred Years of Solitude', or 'Life of Pi'. However, they are extraordinary all the same, and I have to keep track of them. The reason I forget all about them so soon is that they relate perfectly ordinary lives, but often depict such flawed and tortured aspects of these lives that they leave me a little depressed to be honest. However, I also feel that some people's lives are actually like that (if not most people), including, to a certain extent my own, so I always find these kinds of books much more relatable to! Not only that, I think they make me more empathetic and insightful with people around me, especially those for whom life on the surface appears to be going sooo well. Although, to be honest, it is not as easy to apply these kinds of insight to my nearest family - I guess that is why I relate so much to them – it’s like ok, these things happen to everyone. That is why I was drawn to A.M. Homes for instance, and just as I did in her case, I want to get Siri's other books and read them too.

ONE EATS ALOT OF LEFTOVERS WHEN ONE LIVES ON ONE'S OWN!

I always looked forward to living on my own because I thought it would give me plenty of opportunity to learn how to cook ATLAST! I have to say it has been quite an adventure - true, I eat too much potato soup (my most successful dish EVER), but I am also trying out all these different pasta sauces, and yesterday I ate celery for the first time in forever!! The smell took me back to my childhood because my mother was also always experimenting with recipes.. Mind you I have also learnt to chop vegetables like a pro!! :-)

Anyway, the problem with these recipes is that they feed 4 or 6, and trying to cut them down to a serving for 1 is very difficult, for instance I had to use
1 large courgette
1 stalk of spinach
1 carrot
1 onion,
etc.
How does one reduce those ingredients down to serve 1?? So what happens is that I have leftovers of soup, pasta sauce, ground beef, etc., in these containers in my fridge, and what happens is that come lunch time, I look at all these leftovers and feel silly cooking something else - so I end up having these strange combinations that some times taste really good, but more often than not, are totally disgusting!! Today though, I poured the pasta sauce left over from the recipe above into leftover potato soup and it tasted really nice!!

ANYWAY, it is all a great experience. One thing in particular is that one gets to try out all sorts of outlandish dishes and brands of things until they decide on the ones that suit them best! Infact today I was thinking every young person should live on their own and have time to experiment as they wish before joining up with someone else!

GREETING THE ANCESTORS

My last surviving grandparent passed away around Easter this year, passing into the great hall of my ancestors. She’d lived with us for the best part of a decade, and had been a great fountain of wisdom, told crazy stories and instructed us in our local language (Rukiga)… During the last two or so years, her hearing begun to fail and she had constant pain in her back, stomach and legs. About two months before she died, she had a heart attack, and spent a few weeks in hospital, part of that time unconscious and on life support. When she came back home, she couldn’t walk very far anymore, and she was in more pain than ever. I tried to convince my dad to give her more pain killers since it was clear addiction was the least of her problems, but he wouldn’t hear of it, perhaps because he didn’t want to face the fact that she was really dying this time.

Anyway, she lived in the guest wing of my parents’ house, and since it has been standing empty these last months, I decided to move in this past weekend. It suits me very well because it is away from the main house and affords me some space and privacy (which I have come to realise more and more is totally necessary to life for me)

On the first night, I decided to carry out a private moving in ceremony – partly because of some stuff I read in a book that said one needed to claim and bless a space before one moved into it, and partly because my little sister accused me of showing off by moving into Grandma’s room when everyone knew it was haunted. :-) Silly girl! Anyway, I sat on the edge of my bed and prepared to begin. I wondered if I should say the words out loud or not, and decided on the latter (I’d feel too silly otherwise – although I later wished I had said them out loud – more effectual that way!)

I started off by greeting my Grandmother, and hoping she was comfortable where she was etc. – I started off doing this in Rukiga, but after a few moments casting about endlessly for suitable translations for words that appeared in my head in English, I figured that being dead, maybe she was beyond language barriers, and proceeded in English. I told her we were all well, and that I was looking forward to moving into her room. After this I started, with her permission, to claim the room. That it would be a room where I would rest well, be creative and be peaceful; thinking back to her state of mind towards her death, I begun to chase away fear and invite love, to chase away loneliness and invite companionship, to chase away confusion and invite clarity, to chase away ill health and invite well being, to chase away inability and invite ability, agility and strength. There after I invited all her positive qualities to stay: her strength of character, her excellent memory, her big heart, her innocence.

After that small ceremony, I have to say I slept very well, and have slept very well ever since! I really feel myself expanding and filling the space completely.

SURRENDERING

(Posted Four days later!)

A cousin of mine wants me to surrender to this guy that I feel almost sure has fancied me for ever, he is always fidgeting around me and has made suggestive remarks around me now and then, and a few weeks back even sent me suggestive sms. I promised my cousin I would surrender to him and go out with him if he asks me out. However, I told her I felt sure he would never ask, and today I found out that I am definitely part of the reason why: whenever the guy is anywhere near me or tries to catch my eye, I totally increase my concentration on whatever I am doing!! I completely shut him out – I mean, he is hardly going to go in for the kill if I am putting up such walls!! I now wonder if this is not cheating on my part – I guess surrendering starts with encouraging the person to ask you out in the first place – blast!! I may have to give the guy some more airtime from now on!!

The thing is this – and my cousin always asks why I don’t think I could date him – his negativity! I quite literally cannot live with it. Not only that, his general dismissiveness of all things Ugandan! Not only that, his quickness to negatively judge others – I mean as soon as a letter lands on his desk he reads it aloud and passes judgement on the font, or the short notice to some meeting, or the incorrectness of this or the uselessness of that – I mean really!! Then, on the other hand, as soon as something has an association with Europe or America, then it automatically passes. The other day he told me something that some Ugandans were proposing to him was probably worth pursuing because someone from South Africa had rung him about it… Ordinarily, without this external stamp of approval, he would have been expressing doubt about its authenticity or seriousness. Mind you I am aware that I am ALSO judging him here and maybe making unfair allegations but whatever the case, every time he picks something up and before his eyes are done sweeping over it he is pronouncing judgement, I just cringe!

FOUR YEARS AGO…

(Posted a week later!!)

Today, four years ago, at around this time actually, I went to a church in a small town in the East of Holland. As I sat there, all the regulars continued filing in until one guy that I had never seen strolled in. He surveyed the room and caught my eye, lingered for a second as something passed between us, and then he walked over to a free seat about two rows in front of me. As the service proceeded, he kept throwing glances over his shoulder, and I continued to toss my fake extensions over my shoulder (being one of those bad hair days, I had borrowed a wig that looked like braided hair from my room mate – and even if I say so myself, I looked quite fetching with it on!!)

Anyway, at the end of service, we usually had a cup of tea and a chat, so here I was in the line talking to some person, when he comes up and starts talking to the person I was talking to, then turns to me and introduces himself and asks me where I was from. When I tell him I’m Ugandan he gets really excited and tells me he spent 3 months in Kibale (a remote village in the West), and that that was one of the most enjoyable periods in his life. From there on he joins the line and we continue talking, then he invites me to join a group of his friends, and he continues to give me these penetrating looks…

Anyway, later he asks me to join them going to check out a book fair about half an hour’s cycling away, but I told him my bicycle was not in condition to ride that far so he offers to give me a ride there… Which I agree to and off we go (I remember wondering at his keenness for me to join them but I was not exactly put off by it). Later we all go back to his place for lunch, and then he invites me for a bible study the following week. At the bible study he is really attentive, and puts some food aside for me because I am kind of late, then sits next to me, shares his bible, stands really close to me and asks me a hundred questions, generally..

Anyway, fours years ago I met a young Dutchman, and I have really missed him in the last few weeks!! We had to break up earlier this year coz neither of us was willing to carry on a long distance relationship and although he wanted to remain friends, I preferred to break all ties… He tried to contact me a few times, and I responded but the last sms he sent I didn’t reply so I guess he got the hint. However, today, I really feel like I would like to get in touch. Unfortunately I erased all his email addresses and phone numbers so… I am conducting an internet search – will see what that brings up. I don’t feel strong enough not to get in touch, truly!! And I know I will probably beat myself up over this later BUT, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!

(30 Minutes later)

I have to laugh!! I actually found a website for the guy and sent him a message, and then suddenly this pain that I have had in my leg all night disappeared! I really wondered where the pain came from, I went running yesterday but running never gives me such pain – I now realise of course that it is my usual psychosomatic stunts – since yesterday I have been wondering whether or not to get in touch with this guy, and I had just decided to sweep it under the carpet, but evidently my mind was not fooled!

Anyway, that is that... Back to work! (By the way, the proposal is suddenly coming along so well, I am soooo pleased!)

DEFINING MOMENTS

Early Sunday morning, around 7 am, I witnessed a motor accident where a Matatu (Omnibus public transport) crashed into a boda-boda (motorbike public transport) carrying a woman – this boda-boda guy rode right into the main road without looking and the Matatu swept into its side. The woman was sent flying but the driver and his boda-boda were trapped under the front of the Matatu and dragged along for about 15 feet. We were in another Matatu on the road in the opposite direction and had just stopped to let off some passengers when we heard the crash and grinding noise as the boda-boda was dragged along… We saw the woman lying in the road with one of her legs sticking up at unnatural angle, and after a minute or so she begun to call weakly and tried to get up off the road. She was bleeding profusely from her mouth and somewhere around her middle. Some men came to remove the man from under the Matatu and although he didn’t appear to have a scratch on him, he was all limp – some people in our Matatu said he was dead for sure…

That very day my volleyball team-mates and I were heading out to a town two hours away for a tournament, and since a couple of us were going to be using public transport, we were really shaken by that scene. Some of our other team mates were coming up behind us and they said they found the woman being carried onto the back of a pick-up truck, and that her leg basically snapped off below the knee as she was being lifted, causing them to cry out and avert their faces. About 50 metres beyond this point we found another Matatu that had crashed into a palm tree by the side of the road and the passenger side was badly crashed – we imagined whoever had been sitting there certainly had broken legs if he was lucky enough to be alive at all!

The first thing I did was to text my sister and ask her to pray for our safe journey – me - the one who has turned my back on the Christian God. What did this say about what I believe or fear deep down? AT the same time, and this has occurred to me quite frequently in the past few months, I considered JUST how close death is to us, or at the very least, mutilation, pain and suffering; and how one's life as they know it can change in a moment! We go around with this complete obliviousness of how close death is… Maybe it is nature’s way of preventing us from becoming immobilised by the knowledge – maybe it would be difficult to reproduce or eat or go about any kind of business. The Buddhists, though, teach their followers to be highly aware of life and death, and from a young age children are exposed to it. They embrace death and live with it everyday, which is why they choose to live simply and only do things that have deep and lasting impact, such as loving others, sharing their worldly goods, living peacefully and trying to attain enlightenment – which I understand to mean realising the ‘truth’? Or meeting one’s ‘true self’ or ‘true nature’ – not sure, haven’t studied it in that much depth.

I also thought about how my Mom is always worrying every time I have to go on a journey anywhere – saying I should be careful and pray and all that. I gained a new appreciation of that because as a passenger (or even as a driver), sometimes one has so little control over what other road users are going to do – so one really should pray. On the other hand I also considered the idea of fate, and if one can really avert what is meant to be – obviously one should take all precautions possible, but ultimately, we have little control over whether we live or die, or when we die. All we can do is try to lead a meaningful life (whatever that consists of), and to savour life in all its richness. Finally, at such moments one wonders if this life is so fleeting, is that all there is? What lies beyond life?

All in all, quite a defining moment for me!

OLD LESSONS

I have this habit: I buy packets of ginger biscuits, digestives and chocolate chip cookies, then, I put them in my biscuit tin in careful layers, so that I have all three in similar proportions all the way to the bottom of the tin. Now this is something I do all the time, but this morning I became conscious of the fact that it is a bit Brie Vander-what’s-her-name on Desperate Housewives! At the same time, I remember how I silently scoffed at a newly married friend of mine because she admitted to me that she polished the apples before she put them in the bowl on the kitchen table because her husband liked to eat shiny apples (At the time I tried to imagine that conversation in which the husband expressed a preference for shiny apples). Anyway, I felt that she was really overdoing the perfect wife thing…

Anyway, today I thought back to that and realised that if I could lay out my biscuits she could polish her apples - who was I to judge?? NOT being judgemental was a lesson I begun to learn in my final year of University - I clearly remember the Sunday afternoon that I sat by my window and reflected on how much I judged others! The lesson continues, many, many times I have to break off certain thoughts by telling myself to just let people be – especially considering that all I want is for people to let me be too…

Unkeen

In the past, when a guy I liked stood me up for whatever reason, or was late, I immediately threw a fit and refused to take his calls and fell to doubting his affection for me and on and on! Now that I am the recipient of TWO men's admiration, which two men I am not in the least bit interested, I see things a little differently. The book 'He's just not that into you' says he is not into you if he is not calling you - one of these guys is a total non-starter and can only make advances when he is totally drunk, or offer me gifts shyly when he returns from one of his many trips abroad, and that's about it.. (He has been in this state of non-starting for a good four years!!)

The other one (we are talking about the stalker now) calls me whenever he is in town, he gave me his satellite number and I promptly lost it, I have hardly ever called him, and even when we've been out of touch for days and he calls to wonder how come I have been so quiet I am totally unrepentant and he takes it - I figure if he wants me let him call me… And yet when it is a guy that I like I think ‘oh, let me call him, maybe he is not able to call, or I should call as much as him or – ’, tsk, what rubbish!

Anyway, the learning event occurred this weekend: I was supposed to meet the man for coffee on Sunday (at which point I was going to tell him as gently as I could that this was not working), but due to some miscommunication and my phone battery going completely flat, I waited for half an hour but he didn’t show so I went home. (Strangely enough, I was half dreading him turning up, not because of the bad news that I had to deliver, but because I really had no wish to see him and be subjected to his fawning and the rest of it)

Anyway, in the old days, if he had been a guy that I liked, I would have lost my temper and been pissed and been reading him the riot act the second he called (or calling him to read him the riot act) - but in this case, due to some glitch, I was separated from my phone all of the following day and was only able to switch it on today (Tuesday). This evening, he called and started of chatting like nothing had happened - I don't know if this was a ploy to get me to forget about being stood up but anyway, half way through I asked him what happened that day and turns out he got the name of the coffee shop wrong. Obviously I didn't care but there after he was chugging on full steam ahead suggesting that in three weeks time he and I should go away for the weekend - IS he crazy?? I have been on ONE date with him and only seen him physically one other time and even though we have spent a lot of time talking on the phone, there is no way I would go off on a weekend with him!! What, and spend hours upon uninterrupted hours with him? Forget it!

Anyway, the point is, whereas I would normally have begun to doubt his affection if I actually liked him, etc., this guy seems as sweet on me as ever! Is it the challenge of the chase? Is this what inspires these guys? Whatever the case, this conversation also showed me that I had to get the chucking done soon and very soon! He even mentioned the fact that he had two business class tickets to China because he had been invited by two separate companies for business in the same town during the same period (two weeks from now) so that theoretically he could transfer one ticket to me but I am not even slightly tempted!! Gosh!! It's bad!!

On becoming a writer

What is that saying – ‘everyone thinks they can write’ or ‘everyone is a critic’ or what? Anyway, my sister, who is a big fan of this blog, keeps saying I should write - she has always said this, as have a couple of other relatives of mine, but I have always taken it as part of their regular hero worship :-) Last week though, her advice really trickled into my mind - this was after I woke up from a dream where I was having such strange and wonderful thoughts, and as I sat in a taxi later and turned over my thoughts, I begun to wonder if perhaps their comments held any water - maybe that is how I will make my fortune - become a published author.. I have been wondering lately how I intend to support myself after retirement seeing as I have no passive income, no assets, no savings.. Of course I could always marry a rich man, there are people who have more money than they know what to do with, but I wonder if I could really hack it.. I have held out for so long to marry a man that is my intellectual and emotional soul mate, how would I survive having to marry for money after all?

So the title of my first book, if I was to start writing it now would be 'thirty-three', and as the majority of first books are, it would probably be most anecdotal, biographical even. I would want to share with the readers how I have come to be so wise at such a young age :-) Ah well, it was a nice thought - and I seriously am looking for a note book to write in as I travel or just sit around - I always catch myself having such interesting internal dialogues and reflections, that I am always wishing I had a notebook with me - maybe that is how the first book will get written.

This morning I have been looking seriously at the Universities in the UK that I could do my PhD at. For some time now I have been very taken with doing it at the University of Edinburgh, which, besides being in Scotland which I hear is a beautiful country, is rated as one of the top universities in the world. What's more, it is the host to one film festival and a three week long music festival in August or thereabouts. All the same, I have also been checking out the Institute of Education at the University of London, and although I am loath to live in London, it has the advantage of being a specialist and highly regarded institute. And anyway, living in London must have its advantages, it is after all one of the worlds’ most known capitals, and stuff is always happening there… but perhaps not the big cities for me! Although I am sure Edinburgh is nothing to sneeze at either...

Anyway, this week, the faculty is hosting quite a big conference in town and most of the students are off attending that, so I offered to stay here and mind the store, so here I am with all week free except for one class on Thursday, and so planning to finish writing my proposal once and for all. Both websites have provided some nice guidelines on how to go about writing the proposal so, wish me luck!

The Onliest One

THE ONLIEST ONE

Years ago, I watched this documentary about a cult in a town called Jonestown in Guyana, where about 900 people were either convinced or forced by their leader Jim Jones to take poison and die; one of only about five survivors was this old lady who I think lay down in a ditch and pretended to be dead; when she was found later wandering around the compound and stepping over dead bodies, she just kept saying – ‘I’s the onliest one alive’

I remembered this story because this weekend some one really challenged me about the concept of there being ONE special person that one is meant to spend their life with. I can't say I believe it completely, seeing as I am aware it has been spread by Hollywood and fiction writers, but I sometimes catch myself espousing it. So anyway I was trying to justify having to break up with the stalker by saying he really wasn't 'the one', when I was asked what I meant by 'being the one' exactly! I had to admit that I have dated at least two men that I could have happily spent the rest of my life with, so perhaps I have to modify that phrase - the next morning it came to me - from now I will say of these guys either that he is or isn't 'one of them' - cool no? :-) I like it very much!

I am so happy to be blogging today, I had been wanting to all day yesterday but since it is nearly impossible to log onto Blogger during the day here, one has to come in early in the morning or late at night, so I decided to come in last night. However, since I was late eating my supper, I decided it would be more efficient bringing my late supper in to the office, carrying some wine in a tea flask and sitting down at my desk to blog while I ate. It was quite a feat trying to eat chips and pork out of a paper bag while also typing out my post - in the end I found I was too tired to blog anyway so I just finished my food and went off to sleep, and here I am this morning!

Funny thing - there are these persistent ants that have been terrorising us in the past few months, and they get into EVERYTHING, as long as it is edible and left out in the open. The little buggers are so persistent, that even when you put the food into the freezer and freeze them along with it (sometime thsy are so many it is not worth the bother to remove them), I promise they unfreeze with the food!!! :-) Ok, I exaggerate a little. Anyway, these ants had somehow gotten into the flask as well (I guess I didn't wash it too thoroughly the last time) so when I poured the wine without checking first, there they were, a few dozen floating in my drink.. What was I to do but drink them all down!

Bloggin jus coz I'm online

This is what our poor internet has reduced me to - being idle and disoderly the one time I am able to log on!! It's the Eid celebration today and the Uni is closed so there aren't as many people on the network! Yippee!!

Not that I have much to say mind - I am simply sitting here, plotting to steal the furniture in our office waiting area - some really nice furniture that the students made as a project that is completely going to waste!! At the moment it is used to store computer speakers, a pile of A1 paper and some blankets that we occasionally need to black out rooms so we can use projectors. Being the only person here today, I am thinking of just comandeering some labour from passersby and taking it down to my place - after all, I am the official faculty head at the moment and I should be able to do ANYTHING (hehehehe - laughing manically!)

Otherwise, thinking of getting back to town earlyish, so I can gt back here on Sunday and MAYBE then I will be able to get some work done!! Banange, this having to motivate oneself is not a picnic!!

PERSPIRATION VS INSPIRATION

From the outset, let me state that I am a big believer in perspiration - hard work will get you everywhere! It’s just that I am not a great perspirator; I’ll work much better under inspiration, fickle as that can be!! Point in case: I have been struggling to write a proposal for weeks and weeks, and I haven’t been feeling inspired that much – I mean yeah, I have had plenty of inspired moments, but none lasted long enough for me to get much on paper! Every now and then I have to lie down and take a nap and try to re-boot but no can do. I am now faced with a hard decision: Looks like I will have to perspire through this one!! I really really want to get this done coz it is meant to be the beginning of the rest of my life, literally, but eh?? The effort!! I am fresh back from my latest nap and I’m still looking blankly at the screen..

The books ‘Emotional Intelligence’ and ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ have really spoken to me on this subject – hard work gets the job done much more reliably than inspiration – although the latter will come in handy if you really want to produce a Masterpiece. I do believe though that inspiration will come to you while you work, not while you lie on your bed dreaming (ok, then too but you know what I mean)

That said, I better get onto the bicycle and start peddling!!!

BLOGGIN OFF-LINE

Seeing as the internet only allows me to connect to Blogger when it deigns, I have been forced to compose posts offline and publish only when I manage to log on...

I was saying: living on one’s own is quite an experience. I have forced to cook – not that I haven’t always wished for an opportunity, but some of my attempts are quite disturbing.. Consider yesterday’s dinner: Left over spaghetti and spinach and parmesan cheese, into which, since it was cold, I decided to throw some leftover salad – tomatoes, olives, feta and sweet corn in olive oil and black pepper. All this washed down with Mango Juice, which I chose over a glass of wine since II had to get back to work after dinner, but which in the end I spiked with some wine anyway! The overall result – don’t try any of this at home! I had to eat though because I hate to waste food – it wasn’t unpleasant as such, just strange… I had to tear open a packet of Macadamia nuts that I had been saving for a special occasion to recover from the experience…

And then later in the night after I came from brushing my teeth, I pulled on the door of my bedroom to shut it and the handle came off in my hand – I just had to laugh to myself because how random is that? I can assure you such things take on a really weird hue late at night when you live alone. Luckily I was able to reattach the handle – just a loose screw I discovered.

Living on one's own, living out of town, weird dreams, etc.

Living on one's own is quite an experience.. For one thing you realise that no matter how often you wash the dishes, there are always more in the sink - how do I manage to use so many dishes?? And then, when you first start to leave alone, you buy all these sets of cups and plates and things, probably imagining you are going to have people over but somehow, you never feel up to cooking for a bunch of people, especially when you have unclear skills like I do.. Or anyway, there is no one that you particularly want to socialise with, or if you do, it is easier to go to the pub or a restaurant! Finally, living on one's own really helps you fine tune the brands of food that you like and why you prefer them.. In my case, I am experimenting with cookie, cracker and biscuit brands, cheese and white wine... Sometimes I hate something so much I throw it in the bin right away, and put down the cost as research costs :-)

This Semester has been kind of weird for me - my two girlfriends that I spent so much time with last Semester have been completely unavailable.. One fell sick (and thank God she is getting better), and the other spent a month in the US, then got back and she and I just cannot synchronise our schedules! So this leaves me with alot of time on my hands during which I read ferociously - thank God I have managed to get some really good books in this time! And otherwise I watch series! (House Season 1-3 and Boston Legal Season 1 so far)

As if that is not enough, my other girlfriend in town has been completing her Master's study, and then had her sister visit, then she's getting ready to quit her job so I guess she's preoccupied with what she'll do next, then I also spend ALL week here anyway so really!

Then not enough volleyball - I really miss volleyball!! I came back from Belgium with a shoulder injury so I have had to go easy on that but again, I am not in town often enough to start with so injury or no injury! This past weekend I took part in a one day tournament and since a number of my team mates had pressing engagements, I had to be on court throughout the day - I enjoyed myself so thoroughly!! And suprised myself with how well I played - though my reception and cover are still a trick!!

Ok, about the dreams: First I have these recurring dreams about being chased by a man who I think wants to have his way with me (to put it delicately) and he manages to ferret me out of toilets and hedges but so far I wake up before he really corners me.. The other one is about me going to a volleyball tournament in a foreign land - last night it was to France!

But recurrent dreams aside, yesterday I also dreamt that I went to this river and found Jennifer lopez there with her - hmm, 6 or 7yr old son, the son was giving Jenny some trouble as he kept trashing around until finally he lay face down in the water and pooped, right there in the water, then the water dried out and this herd of goats appeared and they begun to climb up this steep grassy cliff, and Jenny's son (who looked like a little maniature of her) also climbed up the cliff though I don't know if he turned into a goat and I turned to Jenny and said 'wow - are these mountain goats? I mean - not that your son - ' eh, then I woke up..

Ah well, let me get to work - it is a public holiday and however much I try to tell myself to do some work (which is why I stayed at school) I am not being successful! Sigh..

Frustrated with trying to log on

Yesterday I was bursting with things to share on Blogger, but I completely failed to log on - and now, I cannot remember what I was so excited about - maybe it was because I had had a few drinks - one's imagination can improve drastically after a few drinks... atleast mine does :-)

Anyway, I know some of it was me wondering why the guy I'm dating now is so excited about me so quickly - I looked this up on the net - do guys fall for women much faster than women fall? Or should a woman who is not excited by a guy from the start know it won't happen? Am I also influenced by the guy I dated last - oh, yeah, that was also part of it - when I have a few drinks I really miss him but lets not go there just now!! SO this new guy guy right, when he calls he sounds so excited and so happy and - I feel - ... nothing. We have our second date this weekend - but like I've said before, I doubt I will make it to the third - maybe I am one of those women who know right away! I mean with the last two guys I knew the first day! (Granted, they also kept me guessing for a few weeks which sorta mighta kept me keen!)

Ach.. trying to keep an open mind on this is such hard work!!

But love life aside, this morning I woke up with such little motivation, so I am thinking of chucking it in and going back to town in time for volleyball practice... Actually the lack of physical activity might also have something to do with this! But maybe I should persevere.. After all I can always go running this evening - I'll see.

Ok. I'm out.

A not-so-bad Monday morning

Woke up with such a feeling of well being today – could be coz I spent such a relaxed Sunday yesterday – basically lay in a couch and watched the 1^st season of Boston Legal all day, then took my nephew for his first swimming lesson, which he thoroughly enjoyed! Then this morning, when my alarm woke me at 5.30 am, I heard the howling of the wind outside, went out to the balcony and saw an angry sky and promptly switched off my phone and went back to sleep; so I guess that extra sleep also contributed to my feeling of well being…

So, my weekend: Saturday went to a concert by Jonathan Butler which was simply AWESOME!! Enjoyed that sooo much.. Then got a small scare as I thought I was spotting before my period, but as it turns out my period has started a little early… I had already begun having visions of fibroids and cysts and all that, and knowing that these would mess with my fertility, tried to imagine life without children. I mean at this moment I haven’t the slightest urge to produce infants, but they say one day the urge descends upon you and literally takes you by the throat!! But as I reflected on the possibility, I really felt that it wouldn’t be so terrible – but again I cannot talk for the future. At the moment, I have all these adorable nephews and nieces and I can always bribe my way into their affections as being the fun aunt, who takes them out or buys them gifts or has them staying at her house where they watch cable all day etc. In any case, talking it over with a friend of mine, we concluded that the most important thing was having an impact on the next generation, and being a teacher and a pseudo parent might just do the trick. After all, I have already been appointed as the family’s minister of education so… my work may be cut out as it is!

So, anyway, having started the week with such a positive mindset, and having worked so hard and produced so much last week, I look forward to the rest of the week, and feel sure I will be as productive.

No wonder I love reading!!

I am reading this book that someone recommended to and lent me FOUR year ago, that I am just now getting round to reading!! 'The Caribbean' it's called, and it’s just a really amazing book!! I begin to see why people read non-fiction – I mean the historical perspective that I am getting on slavery in that area, the fight by European powers for domination, the profit from slave labour, the slaves' fight for freedom, the bloodshed!!! It’s quite something!! Today it occurred to me to wonder if human beings are just naturally self serving! The extent to which these colonialists went to safeguard their interests in the Caribbean was astonishing; add to that their treatment of the slaves – really beyond belief (although there were certainly some gentle and reasonable slave owners). I also came to discover that some of these guys TRULLY believed Black people inferior, responding to nothing more than animal instincts, and being completely closed to reason! Many of them though had to gain grudging respect for the Blacks during their fight for freedom, and indeed a number of them came to love and admire them.

The book is also a study in the character and actions of the various weak and strong men that rose to prominence during that period; the atrocities that weak men committed in trying to assert their authorities, compared to the honorable and respectful way that stronger men ruled, really enlightened me on the nature of men - it’s so true that cowards can be extremely cruel.

One other thing that interested me was the Spanish culture of looking after one’s own family and shamelessly promoting them to positions of authority in order to build up the strength of the family as a whole – I guess that was the practice with the nobility and upper classes throughout Europe at the time, and I wonder when ‘nepotism’ became unacceptable… I guess as the uprisings by poor people and other disenfranchised persons became more commonplace. Anyway, the Spanish suffered greatly for this, stealing from their own governments and impoverishing their own colonies, so that they early on lost their extensive hold on the colonized world, being superseded first by France, who in turn was overrun by Great Britain.

I was also impressed by the part little Holland had to play in trade and general participation as these powers rose to prominence – even when they had few colonies to speak of - I was quite proud!! (I do love that country!) Ok, I know they behaved atrociously in South Africa but so did France and Britain and Spain in their own colonies, it’s just that The Dutch are more recently in our memory!! And anyway we Africans behave no better towards our own brothers – all this leads me to the conclusion that I started out with: man is inherently self serving, given a chance!

On Blind dates II

So at around 9pm he gets me home, and by now is exclaiming over what a good woman I am and how come I am not married yet, etc. I told him I saw myself settling down in maybe two years and he screeched 'WHAT??!?' - ati that is too long for him! Mbu we shall not enjoy our children’s youth (Imagine...) Anyway, all in all he keeps making reference to us married, walking down the aisle, spending a Saturday at home, etc., and finally caps it by saying he loves me!! Now really!! I asked him how he could say that on the day he met me (granted we spent 6 straight hours together but still!!) and he said that for men these things are instant!!

In short, the week I was away he called me everyday, ostentatiously to ask after me but really to tell me how he was - or so I noticed... I mean in one conversation he told me all about his malaria attack and feeling weak and having to endure needles etc., and then ended by saying ‘ok, bye, I was just checking on you’ - Am I being too picky?

And then there is the possessiveness – he says he would like us to get an apartment – he stays in hotels when he is town – that each of us would have our own key and that there would be no strings and that he would even pay the rent and give me money to furnish it (HA - no strings??)... Ati this is coz he doesn’t want to have to come for me at my parents where he can’t see me freely.. Another time I didn’t pick up his call because I was in a market and couldn’t talk and he immediately rang my cousin to ask why I didn’t pick his ‘calls’ and that she should send me airtime and ask me to call and on and on..

And then the day I got back (yesterday), after getting up so early and having to change planes etc., I felt really tired, but he insisted on seeing me and said he couldn’t sleep without seeing me – doesn’t this hint at a certain selfishness, I mean I told him I was really tired! And ofcourse he is too physical, hugging me a hundred times to say goodbye and he even tried to kiss me on the first date so I'm constantly having to tell him to step back - ok, I have thoroughly decampaigned this guy but banange - this is all true...

Anyway, I know the Surrendered Single says to go on at least three dates but I doubt I will last that long – the guy is just putting me under too much pressure – yesterday I had to remind him he only met me a week ago and that he should know that he is still only a possible candidate for my affections, meaning I was free to date anyone I pleased – this took him aback for a minute but he said of course I was entitled to my freedom and that he would respect that (as if!)

As I told my sister this morning, the man has officially become a stalker. I don’t know what to do – I am trying to stay surrendered and give the guy a chance but eh?

Speaking of being Surrendered - I saw a nice looking guy in the Dar airport yesterday but I thought to myself that it was too much to hope for that he would be in the seat next to me on the plane but lo and behold, there he was, in the seat next to me!! We talked for a while and he was quite interesting but since I may not control a man's pursuit, when we got to Nairobi and changed planes and seats, I decided to just keep giving him the ocassional smile but allow him to come over and say his piece if he felt like - which he didn't so - I can only imagine he thought two days in Kla and back to TZ didn't present enough prospects! Ah well..

Hold on: WAIT!!! Now that I think about it, the surrendered single says to ask guys to ask you out!! TSK!!! I remembered something about giving guys one's number but I sort of remembered that he had to ask for it - but NO!! Eeehh... Kale! Anyway, ok, I will learn a little at a time!! And such a nice Dutchman too!! (Or maybe me and Dutchmen are not destined to be..)

On Blind Dates

So, I have been on three so far, and after two of these the men were proposing marriage!! Does that mean men will start agreeing to meeting strange women only when they feel ready to settle down? Come to think of it, perhaps women normally go on blind dates looking for husbands – maybe the men think this... Whatever the case, this seems to be true two thirds of the time in my experience!

Is it men who are normally too shy to approach women? WHAT is it?

So anyway, last Friday, my cousin sets me up on a blind date – incidentally she is the author of all three dates – this last one to take place during lunch at the Grand Imperial hotel terrace.

He is a commercial farmer in Gulu, and also consults with various firms in Kampala in the area of marketing, thus splitting his time into 2 days in Kampala and the rest in Gulu each week.

On the day of the lunch it decides to rain cats and dogs so he offers to pick me up from the post office to cover the short distance to the Terrace, but on getting to the post office, he decided we go to Kembabazi’s instead – saying we were more likely to find better food there since it was already coming to 3pm.

The rain intensified upon reaching Kembabazi’s, so we stayed there most of the afternoon. Trying to apply Surrendered Single principles, I decided to really give him a chance though on first inspection he didn’t appear to be my type - for one thing he wasn’t terribly intellectual, and hasn’t seriously read a whole book in his life (those who know me are gasping at this point). On the other hand he spoke politics well enough, and spoke well on general matters, the economy, business, education, our foreign links, etc. Also, was good looking enough and was very well behaved, opening doors and all that sort of thing, and oh, taller than me (amen!)

I told him it was my birthday the following week and my sisters had tried to get me a pass to Jonathan Butler but that it had proved too expensive so he offered to buy me a ticket, which like any good surrendered single I received.. J There after he said we should move venue so that he could buy me a birthday drink seeing as I would be in TZ on the actual day, so we relocated to Dolphin suites (with a brief stop at Katch the Sun which we threw out as too cold) – that was also pleasant enough, we continued to talk about the lessons we’ve learnt in our long lives (he’s one year older than me) he told me he’d come very close to getting married 18 months ago, etc., etc.

(to be continued)

On growing older

I have to admit to a certain amount of superstition – somehow I feel that 33 will be my lucky year! I relate this to the day I opened a journal to document a certain high growth period in my life, and I remember starting it on the 3^rd of March 2003, a date that had numerologists all over the world salivating – I for one did not see anything out of the ordinary happen except the opening of my little journal..

Anyway, here we are at age 33! I feel that somehow I have gotten over whole idea of being in my mid thirties – I always thought one had to be really confident and successful to claim such an age, but on reflection, and based on recent events, I have to say I am at the top of my game (or I wish I were but ok, details!!) :-)

Speaking of recent events, just got back from a week of meetings in quality assurance of higher education in Dar es Salaam and Zanzibar and I have to say, they were the best I ever attended as far as conferences and workshops go!! At the moment I feel a little overwhelmed with the other pressures on my time after I got back to the office but I am determined to start delegating more!! At any rate, the time spent at these events increased my belief that I really have great potential, that there are a myriad of opportunities out there, and that I have a special ability to influence people because I naturally assumed positions of leadership and hobnobbed effortlessly with people of varied international expereince (including TWO former ministers - Senegal and Burundi, both of whom gave me their cards and asked me to get in touch - like seriously!)

In short, life continues to look up!

On ACTION

I have come to realise, through both my own and other people's experience that there are many, many easy and painless ways to do things (painless at that very moment anyway), but that anything that will bring you lasting peace, happiness and fulfilment requires hard work and sacrifice.. I have read about how people have turned their lives around as soon as they decided to quit taking short cuts or depending on other people to make their decisions or being overly concerned about how society will view their actions, blah, blah, blah.. I believe this deeply, infact this is practically a personal mantra, but I have often fallen short of acting on them - especially the working hard and sticking it! I lack commitment in alot of things that I do!!

Which leads me to wonder over and over again - what is the root of my problem - is it lack of belief?? Or is lack of commitment a separate issue? A book that I read once - emotional intelligence - said that we generally have to motivate ourselves by an act of will to act on anything. So maybe the question is do I lack the will to do what I have to do?

I can only think of one time that I acted on something that I believed needed to be done and the results were great - why can't I learn from that?? Ah well, I guess I am a work in progress - just gotta stick this out.. Can't give up!!

On Relationships

Way back in 1995, I was dating this Architecture student who was giving me a real run for my money!! I remember telling my honorary big sister that one could not possibly be in more confusion, excitement or pain - her response was that on the contrary, I hadn't seen nothing yet!! Needless to say, I have since come to know how true it is!! (I thoroughly scoffed at the idea then though)

Over the years, this education has continued - I have carried out lots of experiments, and disproved lots of theories, but I have always felt that it was better to have found out for myself - nothing like learning from one's own experience!!

A great source of information, theory and experience has been books - both fiction and self help. Ofcourse some people believe books don't always present life in a realistic way but I figure that for instance, if someone has hosted a relationship talk show for years and years, and then goes ahead to publish his/her findings, then this can rightly be considered research output!! Ofcourse one has to keep in mind that alot of things cannot be generalised to any one person, let alone a whole population; however one can certainly take a leaf out..

Anyway, I have recently begun to consider a paradigm shift in the way I view relationships - consider it the beginning of another experiment :-) Recently, I had to end a relationship that I really wished could have worked out - I really liked this guy and thought us to be perfect for one another but due to the fact that we were both in really different places in life, I had to accept the fact that I wouldn't get what I needed. The whole experience left me feeling quite demoralised - I guess it is only natural that when a relationship ends, one feels as though they will never meet anyone else - though ofcourse considering that I have met a couple of guys that I really liked and admired, it stands to reason that there are more out there. I guess one just feels like the effort necessary to pull away from the last relationship and get back onto the dating scene is just too much.

Whatever the case, I decided to evaluate my choices, and educate myself some on relationships. Enter 'the surrendered single' and one thing dawned on me: I really believed that all Ugandan men were cheats and that the only good men in Uganda were my two brothers-in-law - kind of unfair on all the rest since I don't know all the rest; not to mention seriously pessimistic, and very arrongant on my part!! The surrendered single (hereinafter known as 'the good book') encourages single women that are ready to to date again to open themselves up to opportunity by making eye contact with men, smiling at them and generally engage them. Having nothing to lose, I decided to try it, though I felt a bit silly at first. I Immediately realised one thing - there are plenty of good looking, available looking men walking around the streets of Kampala, and moreover, I realised that I have always automatically looked away whenever a man begun to look my way - now why was that?? I guess I did not want any one of them catching my eye and perhaps asking me out - I was making myself completely unavailable!! (It was so bad that I couldn't even speak pleasantly to a man lest he hit on me!!)

The other thing that I have been encouraged to reconsider since reading the good book is my role as the female in a relationship - I have never been too good at receiving - compliments, affection, etc. I have felt that I had to meet the guy halfway, pay part of the bills, not let him pick me up or pay for fuel, etc. However, I have decided to consider the possibility that guys really enjoy doing for the women they are pursuing, and that I should enjoy simply letting them be the men and me be the woman and receive.

Thirdly, I should not feel that going on a date with anyone (letting them pick me up, buy me dinner or whatever) beholdens me to them in any way - I mean they are also just trying their luck and if it doesn't work out, tough! On my part, I should just try to have fun on the date and walk away if I find out that I don't want to date the guy again. My only job is to be my authentic self and try to figure out if the man is a good guy. (Thankfully, I have known for sometime that I need to look out only for the good guys, bad boys are just trouble - I got over my belief that I could change them)

All in all, I am feeling much more optimistic, I have decided to put myself out there more often, and to be available ( I don't know when I last attended a party or met anyone new!). I know I have alot to offer, and I believe there are guys out there with alot to offer too.

As for this Dutchman, I have to admit that I am having a hard time getting over him, especially since he insists on us staying in touch. But on reflection, he made it clear that he was not ready to be in a commited relationship, which I respect, but he should also respect the fact that I want to be in a committed relationship and he makes this difficult by hanging around.. I have decided thatI have to honour myself and cut communication - he can also sort himself out.. Moreover it occured to me that maybe he wants to stay in touch so he can keep his options open! A friend of mine put it so well - if I was the one insisting on staying in touch, I would be labelled as a stalker, but when he does it, it is cute - such a double standard!!!

On Illness

I've had this nagging cough (of the Alpine fame) for 6 weeks now, despite follwoing a course of strong antibiotics for it about a month ago.. I've decided to ignore it - it will clear if it wants to or not clear - as it wishes.. My mom, naturally, thinks I'm too careless with my health; I on the other hand beg to differ - my last full physical gave me a clean bill of health!

Putting the diseases that have physical manifestations aside, of late an alarming number of women my age have developed and are being treated for cancer and cysts and fibroids and all manner of internal growths.. On that note an aunt of mine (2 years older than me) thinks it's high time we had a thorough check of our internal organs - she's probably right - thus far I've only had chest x-rays and blood tests - no checks on ovaries or colons or brains (yikes! - I'm watching too much 'House' methinks!) - and do they say that we become more succeptible to these diseases as we tend towards the mid-thirties? And do they also say having had no children at that age increases one's risk of certain growths?

Ah well, enough morbid thinking - and anyway, I have successfully avoided a pile of work on my desk for long enough - mind you I woke up early to tackle it in my newfound enthusiasm to achieve my dreams.. tsk, tsk.. Back to work!!!

It's tough being back on the continent!

Low internet speeds, power cuts, the irresistable pull of idleness, name it - all I know is that this has meant NO more posts!! However, today I gathered myself (also coz I finished my tasks for the day earlier than I expected) and here I am..

Right.. I have to say that I am in one of those moods - serious optismism!! I feel as though hey!! I can do anything I set my heart to - and this came from a conversation I had with a friend of mine who after I had narrated my relationship woes from a couple of months ago (that still feel unresolved in my mind) asked me what exactly I was afraid of... (I admitted that I was paralysed by a feeling of fear - fear to move forward, etc.)

That really got me thinking - I realise that I dream of this great and wonderful life, to which I feel entittled, and which I feel perfectly capable of achieving, but perhaps don't fully believe it.. Or is the problem not believing but just lethargy?? Although I doubt that - I think belief really should mobilise one...

Of late I have been reading all these papers on the quality of education in Uganda and other African countries in preparation for my PhD thesis, and the articles and studies are by all these African men and women who work for all these international education bodies - I mean, I think that would be a dream job for me too BUT the question is: what would my life be like? Would I have to be content with seeing my friends once in a while (they visit or I visit) and work the rest of the time? I have this imagination that it would be very difficult to have a family as well!! I mean what would my husband do as I flew around the world or got transfered wherever? I know in the past wives have gone where their husbands have gone but surely husbands are not yet at the level of going where their wives go? Or should I trust that this will be possible for me alone? (K said once that she thinks I could very easily live right across the globe from my partner and children, and still manage to have great family relationships - oh they of great faith in me!)

This is what I mean about the fear to step into the life that I desire - I feel like the price will be too high, I lack the faith that God will take care of me, will work things out just for me - as though he hasn't done so wonderfully before!! And YET, on the other hand, I know cannot settle for the mundane life that I know awaits me if I take some other job or continue to teach here (as much as I like it) - generally the life that awaits anyone that doesn't follow their dream or take any risks!! I have sooo much confidence in my self but I can't figure out why I don't step out!!

On that note anyway, I hope this is a wake up call of some sort - as I felt at the beginning of the year, this year would be the end of one era and the beginning of something completely new and different - I should embrace it fully!