DEFINING MOMENTS

Early Sunday morning, around 7 am, I witnessed a motor accident where a Matatu (Omnibus public transport) crashed into a boda-boda (motorbike public transport) carrying a woman – this boda-boda guy rode right into the main road without looking and the Matatu swept into its side. The woman was sent flying but the driver and his boda-boda were trapped under the front of the Matatu and dragged along for about 15 feet. We were in another Matatu on the road in the opposite direction and had just stopped to let off some passengers when we heard the crash and grinding noise as the boda-boda was dragged along… We saw the woman lying in the road with one of her legs sticking up at unnatural angle, and after a minute or so she begun to call weakly and tried to get up off the road. She was bleeding profusely from her mouth and somewhere around her middle. Some men came to remove the man from under the Matatu and although he didn’t appear to have a scratch on him, he was all limp – some people in our Matatu said he was dead for sure…

That very day my volleyball team-mates and I were heading out to a town two hours away for a tournament, and since a couple of us were going to be using public transport, we were really shaken by that scene. Some of our other team mates were coming up behind us and they said they found the woman being carried onto the back of a pick-up truck, and that her leg basically snapped off below the knee as she was being lifted, causing them to cry out and avert their faces. About 50 metres beyond this point we found another Matatu that had crashed into a palm tree by the side of the road and the passenger side was badly crashed – we imagined whoever had been sitting there certainly had broken legs if he was lucky enough to be alive at all!

The first thing I did was to text my sister and ask her to pray for our safe journey – me - the one who has turned my back on the Christian God. What did this say about what I believe or fear deep down? AT the same time, and this has occurred to me quite frequently in the past few months, I considered JUST how close death is to us, or at the very least, mutilation, pain and suffering; and how one's life as they know it can change in a moment! We go around with this complete obliviousness of how close death is… Maybe it is nature’s way of preventing us from becoming immobilised by the knowledge – maybe it would be difficult to reproduce or eat or go about any kind of business. The Buddhists, though, teach their followers to be highly aware of life and death, and from a young age children are exposed to it. They embrace death and live with it everyday, which is why they choose to live simply and only do things that have deep and lasting impact, such as loving others, sharing their worldly goods, living peacefully and trying to attain enlightenment – which I understand to mean realising the ‘truth’? Or meeting one’s ‘true self’ or ‘true nature’ – not sure, haven’t studied it in that much depth.

I also thought about how my Mom is always worrying every time I have to go on a journey anywhere – saying I should be careful and pray and all that. I gained a new appreciation of that because as a passenger (or even as a driver), sometimes one has so little control over what other road users are going to do – so one really should pray. On the other hand I also considered the idea of fate, and if one can really avert what is meant to be – obviously one should take all precautions possible, but ultimately, we have little control over whether we live or die, or when we die. All we can do is try to lead a meaningful life (whatever that consists of), and to savour life in all its richness. Finally, at such moments one wonders if this life is so fleeting, is that all there is? What lies beyond life?

All in all, quite a defining moment for me!

OLD LESSONS

I have this habit: I buy packets of ginger biscuits, digestives and chocolate chip cookies, then, I put them in my biscuit tin in careful layers, so that I have all three in similar proportions all the way to the bottom of the tin. Now this is something I do all the time, but this morning I became conscious of the fact that it is a bit Brie Vander-what’s-her-name on Desperate Housewives! At the same time, I remember how I silently scoffed at a newly married friend of mine because she admitted to me that she polished the apples before she put them in the bowl on the kitchen table because her husband liked to eat shiny apples (At the time I tried to imagine that conversation in which the husband expressed a preference for shiny apples). Anyway, I felt that she was really overdoing the perfect wife thing…

Anyway, today I thought back to that and realised that if I could lay out my biscuits she could polish her apples - who was I to judge?? NOT being judgemental was a lesson I begun to learn in my final year of University - I clearly remember the Sunday afternoon that I sat by my window and reflected on how much I judged others! The lesson continues, many, many times I have to break off certain thoughts by telling myself to just let people be – especially considering that all I want is for people to let me be too…

Unkeen

In the past, when a guy I liked stood me up for whatever reason, or was late, I immediately threw a fit and refused to take his calls and fell to doubting his affection for me and on and on! Now that I am the recipient of TWO men's admiration, which two men I am not in the least bit interested, I see things a little differently. The book 'He's just not that into you' says he is not into you if he is not calling you - one of these guys is a total non-starter and can only make advances when he is totally drunk, or offer me gifts shyly when he returns from one of his many trips abroad, and that's about it.. (He has been in this state of non-starting for a good four years!!)

The other one (we are talking about the stalker now) calls me whenever he is in town, he gave me his satellite number and I promptly lost it, I have hardly ever called him, and even when we've been out of touch for days and he calls to wonder how come I have been so quiet I am totally unrepentant and he takes it - I figure if he wants me let him call me… And yet when it is a guy that I like I think ‘oh, let me call him, maybe he is not able to call, or I should call as much as him or – ’, tsk, what rubbish!

Anyway, the learning event occurred this weekend: I was supposed to meet the man for coffee on Sunday (at which point I was going to tell him as gently as I could that this was not working), but due to some miscommunication and my phone battery going completely flat, I waited for half an hour but he didn’t show so I went home. (Strangely enough, I was half dreading him turning up, not because of the bad news that I had to deliver, but because I really had no wish to see him and be subjected to his fawning and the rest of it)

Anyway, in the old days, if he had been a guy that I liked, I would have lost my temper and been pissed and been reading him the riot act the second he called (or calling him to read him the riot act) - but in this case, due to some glitch, I was separated from my phone all of the following day and was only able to switch it on today (Tuesday). This evening, he called and started of chatting like nothing had happened - I don't know if this was a ploy to get me to forget about being stood up but anyway, half way through I asked him what happened that day and turns out he got the name of the coffee shop wrong. Obviously I didn't care but there after he was chugging on full steam ahead suggesting that in three weeks time he and I should go away for the weekend - IS he crazy?? I have been on ONE date with him and only seen him physically one other time and even though we have spent a lot of time talking on the phone, there is no way I would go off on a weekend with him!! What, and spend hours upon uninterrupted hours with him? Forget it!

Anyway, the point is, whereas I would normally have begun to doubt his affection if I actually liked him, etc., this guy seems as sweet on me as ever! Is it the challenge of the chase? Is this what inspires these guys? Whatever the case, this conversation also showed me that I had to get the chucking done soon and very soon! He even mentioned the fact that he had two business class tickets to China because he had been invited by two separate companies for business in the same town during the same period (two weeks from now) so that theoretically he could transfer one ticket to me but I am not even slightly tempted!! Gosh!! It's bad!!

On becoming a writer

What is that saying – ‘everyone thinks they can write’ or ‘everyone is a critic’ or what? Anyway, my sister, who is a big fan of this blog, keeps saying I should write - she has always said this, as have a couple of other relatives of mine, but I have always taken it as part of their regular hero worship :-) Last week though, her advice really trickled into my mind - this was after I woke up from a dream where I was having such strange and wonderful thoughts, and as I sat in a taxi later and turned over my thoughts, I begun to wonder if perhaps their comments held any water - maybe that is how I will make my fortune - become a published author.. I have been wondering lately how I intend to support myself after retirement seeing as I have no passive income, no assets, no savings.. Of course I could always marry a rich man, there are people who have more money than they know what to do with, but I wonder if I could really hack it.. I have held out for so long to marry a man that is my intellectual and emotional soul mate, how would I survive having to marry for money after all?

So the title of my first book, if I was to start writing it now would be 'thirty-three', and as the majority of first books are, it would probably be most anecdotal, biographical even. I would want to share with the readers how I have come to be so wise at such a young age :-) Ah well, it was a nice thought - and I seriously am looking for a note book to write in as I travel or just sit around - I always catch myself having such interesting internal dialogues and reflections, that I am always wishing I had a notebook with me - maybe that is how the first book will get written.

This morning I have been looking seriously at the Universities in the UK that I could do my PhD at. For some time now I have been very taken with doing it at the University of Edinburgh, which, besides being in Scotland which I hear is a beautiful country, is rated as one of the top universities in the world. What's more, it is the host to one film festival and a three week long music festival in August or thereabouts. All the same, I have also been checking out the Institute of Education at the University of London, and although I am loath to live in London, it has the advantage of being a specialist and highly regarded institute. And anyway, living in London must have its advantages, it is after all one of the worlds’ most known capitals, and stuff is always happening there… but perhaps not the big cities for me! Although I am sure Edinburgh is nothing to sneeze at either...

Anyway, this week, the faculty is hosting quite a big conference in town and most of the students are off attending that, so I offered to stay here and mind the store, so here I am with all week free except for one class on Thursday, and so planning to finish writing my proposal once and for all. Both websites have provided some nice guidelines on how to go about writing the proposal so, wish me luck!

The Onliest One

THE ONLIEST ONE

Years ago, I watched this documentary about a cult in a town called Jonestown in Guyana, where about 900 people were either convinced or forced by their leader Jim Jones to take poison and die; one of only about five survivors was this old lady who I think lay down in a ditch and pretended to be dead; when she was found later wandering around the compound and stepping over dead bodies, she just kept saying – ‘I’s the onliest one alive’

I remembered this story because this weekend some one really challenged me about the concept of there being ONE special person that one is meant to spend their life with. I can't say I believe it completely, seeing as I am aware it has been spread by Hollywood and fiction writers, but I sometimes catch myself espousing it. So anyway I was trying to justify having to break up with the stalker by saying he really wasn't 'the one', when I was asked what I meant by 'being the one' exactly! I had to admit that I have dated at least two men that I could have happily spent the rest of my life with, so perhaps I have to modify that phrase - the next morning it came to me - from now I will say of these guys either that he is or isn't 'one of them' - cool no? :-) I like it very much!

I am so happy to be blogging today, I had been wanting to all day yesterday but since it is nearly impossible to log onto Blogger during the day here, one has to come in early in the morning or late at night, so I decided to come in last night. However, since I was late eating my supper, I decided it would be more efficient bringing my late supper in to the office, carrying some wine in a tea flask and sitting down at my desk to blog while I ate. It was quite a feat trying to eat chips and pork out of a paper bag while also typing out my post - in the end I found I was too tired to blog anyway so I just finished my food and went off to sleep, and here I am this morning!

Funny thing - there are these persistent ants that have been terrorising us in the past few months, and they get into EVERYTHING, as long as it is edible and left out in the open. The little buggers are so persistent, that even when you put the food into the freezer and freeze them along with it (sometime thsy are so many it is not worth the bother to remove them), I promise they unfreeze with the food!!! :-) Ok, I exaggerate a little. Anyway, these ants had somehow gotten into the flask as well (I guess I didn't wash it too thoroughly the last time) so when I poured the wine without checking first, there they were, a few dozen floating in my drink.. What was I to do but drink them all down!

Bloggin jus coz I'm online

This is what our poor internet has reduced me to - being idle and disoderly the one time I am able to log on!! It's the Eid celebration today and the Uni is closed so there aren't as many people on the network! Yippee!!

Not that I have much to say mind - I am simply sitting here, plotting to steal the furniture in our office waiting area - some really nice furniture that the students made as a project that is completely going to waste!! At the moment it is used to store computer speakers, a pile of A1 paper and some blankets that we occasionally need to black out rooms so we can use projectors. Being the only person here today, I am thinking of just comandeering some labour from passersby and taking it down to my place - after all, I am the official faculty head at the moment and I should be able to do ANYTHING (hehehehe - laughing manically!)

Otherwise, thinking of getting back to town earlyish, so I can gt back here on Sunday and MAYBE then I will be able to get some work done!! Banange, this having to motivate oneself is not a picnic!!

PERSPIRATION VS INSPIRATION

From the outset, let me state that I am a big believer in perspiration - hard work will get you everywhere! It’s just that I am not a great perspirator; I’ll work much better under inspiration, fickle as that can be!! Point in case: I have been struggling to write a proposal for weeks and weeks, and I haven’t been feeling inspired that much – I mean yeah, I have had plenty of inspired moments, but none lasted long enough for me to get much on paper! Every now and then I have to lie down and take a nap and try to re-boot but no can do. I am now faced with a hard decision: Looks like I will have to perspire through this one!! I really really want to get this done coz it is meant to be the beginning of the rest of my life, literally, but eh?? The effort!! I am fresh back from my latest nap and I’m still looking blankly at the screen..

The books ‘Emotional Intelligence’ and ‘The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’ have really spoken to me on this subject – hard work gets the job done much more reliably than inspiration – although the latter will come in handy if you really want to produce a Masterpiece. I do believe though that inspiration will come to you while you work, not while you lie on your bed dreaming (ok, then too but you know what I mean)

That said, I better get onto the bicycle and start peddling!!!

BLOGGIN OFF-LINE

Seeing as the internet only allows me to connect to Blogger when it deigns, I have been forced to compose posts offline and publish only when I manage to log on...

I was saying: living on one’s own is quite an experience. I have forced to cook – not that I haven’t always wished for an opportunity, but some of my attempts are quite disturbing.. Consider yesterday’s dinner: Left over spaghetti and spinach and parmesan cheese, into which, since it was cold, I decided to throw some leftover salad – tomatoes, olives, feta and sweet corn in olive oil and black pepper. All this washed down with Mango Juice, which I chose over a glass of wine since II had to get back to work after dinner, but which in the end I spiked with some wine anyway! The overall result – don’t try any of this at home! I had to eat though because I hate to waste food – it wasn’t unpleasant as such, just strange… I had to tear open a packet of Macadamia nuts that I had been saving for a special occasion to recover from the experience…

And then later in the night after I came from brushing my teeth, I pulled on the door of my bedroom to shut it and the handle came off in my hand – I just had to laugh to myself because how random is that? I can assure you such things take on a really weird hue late at night when you live alone. Luckily I was able to reattach the handle – just a loose screw I discovered.

Living on one's own, living out of town, weird dreams, etc.

Living on one's own is quite an experience.. For one thing you realise that no matter how often you wash the dishes, there are always more in the sink - how do I manage to use so many dishes?? And then, when you first start to leave alone, you buy all these sets of cups and plates and things, probably imagining you are going to have people over but somehow, you never feel up to cooking for a bunch of people, especially when you have unclear skills like I do.. Or anyway, there is no one that you particularly want to socialise with, or if you do, it is easier to go to the pub or a restaurant! Finally, living on one's own really helps you fine tune the brands of food that you like and why you prefer them.. In my case, I am experimenting with cookie, cracker and biscuit brands, cheese and white wine... Sometimes I hate something so much I throw it in the bin right away, and put down the cost as research costs :-)

This Semester has been kind of weird for me - my two girlfriends that I spent so much time with last Semester have been completely unavailable.. One fell sick (and thank God she is getting better), and the other spent a month in the US, then got back and she and I just cannot synchronise our schedules! So this leaves me with alot of time on my hands during which I read ferociously - thank God I have managed to get some really good books in this time! And otherwise I watch series! (House Season 1-3 and Boston Legal Season 1 so far)

As if that is not enough, my other girlfriend in town has been completing her Master's study, and then had her sister visit, then she's getting ready to quit her job so I guess she's preoccupied with what she'll do next, then I also spend ALL week here anyway so really!

Then not enough volleyball - I really miss volleyball!! I came back from Belgium with a shoulder injury so I have had to go easy on that but again, I am not in town often enough to start with so injury or no injury! This past weekend I took part in a one day tournament and since a number of my team mates had pressing engagements, I had to be on court throughout the day - I enjoyed myself so thoroughly!! And suprised myself with how well I played - though my reception and cover are still a trick!!

Ok, about the dreams: First I have these recurring dreams about being chased by a man who I think wants to have his way with me (to put it delicately) and he manages to ferret me out of toilets and hedges but so far I wake up before he really corners me.. The other one is about me going to a volleyball tournament in a foreign land - last night it was to France!

But recurrent dreams aside, yesterday I also dreamt that I went to this river and found Jennifer lopez there with her - hmm, 6 or 7yr old son, the son was giving Jenny some trouble as he kept trashing around until finally he lay face down in the water and pooped, right there in the water, then the water dried out and this herd of goats appeared and they begun to climb up this steep grassy cliff, and Jenny's son (who looked like a little maniature of her) also climbed up the cliff though I don't know if he turned into a goat and I turned to Jenny and said 'wow - are these mountain goats? I mean - not that your son - ' eh, then I woke up..

Ah well, let me get to work - it is a public holiday and however much I try to tell myself to do some work (which is why I stayed at school) I am not being successful! Sigh..

Frustrated with trying to log on

Yesterday I was bursting with things to share on Blogger, but I completely failed to log on - and now, I cannot remember what I was so excited about - maybe it was because I had had a few drinks - one's imagination can improve drastically after a few drinks... atleast mine does :-)

Anyway, I know some of it was me wondering why the guy I'm dating now is so excited about me so quickly - I looked this up on the net - do guys fall for women much faster than women fall? Or should a woman who is not excited by a guy from the start know it won't happen? Am I also influenced by the guy I dated last - oh, yeah, that was also part of it - when I have a few drinks I really miss him but lets not go there just now!! SO this new guy guy right, when he calls he sounds so excited and so happy and - I feel - ... nothing. We have our second date this weekend - but like I've said before, I doubt I will make it to the third - maybe I am one of those women who know right away! I mean with the last two guys I knew the first day! (Granted, they also kept me guessing for a few weeks which sorta mighta kept me keen!)

Ach.. trying to keep an open mind on this is such hard work!!

But love life aside, this morning I woke up with such little motivation, so I am thinking of chucking it in and going back to town in time for volleyball practice... Actually the lack of physical activity might also have something to do with this! But maybe I should persevere.. After all I can always go running this evening - I'll see.

Ok. I'm out.

A not-so-bad Monday morning

Woke up with such a feeling of well being today – could be coz I spent such a relaxed Sunday yesterday – basically lay in a couch and watched the 1^st season of Boston Legal all day, then took my nephew for his first swimming lesson, which he thoroughly enjoyed! Then this morning, when my alarm woke me at 5.30 am, I heard the howling of the wind outside, went out to the balcony and saw an angry sky and promptly switched off my phone and went back to sleep; so I guess that extra sleep also contributed to my feeling of well being…

So, my weekend: Saturday went to a concert by Jonathan Butler which was simply AWESOME!! Enjoyed that sooo much.. Then got a small scare as I thought I was spotting before my period, but as it turns out my period has started a little early… I had already begun having visions of fibroids and cysts and all that, and knowing that these would mess with my fertility, tried to imagine life without children. I mean at this moment I haven’t the slightest urge to produce infants, but they say one day the urge descends upon you and literally takes you by the throat!! But as I reflected on the possibility, I really felt that it wouldn’t be so terrible – but again I cannot talk for the future. At the moment, I have all these adorable nephews and nieces and I can always bribe my way into their affections as being the fun aunt, who takes them out or buys them gifts or has them staying at her house where they watch cable all day etc. In any case, talking it over with a friend of mine, we concluded that the most important thing was having an impact on the next generation, and being a teacher and a pseudo parent might just do the trick. After all, I have already been appointed as the family’s minister of education so… my work may be cut out as it is!

So, anyway, having started the week with such a positive mindset, and having worked so hard and produced so much last week, I look forward to the rest of the week, and feel sure I will be as productive.

No wonder I love reading!!

I am reading this book that someone recommended to and lent me FOUR year ago, that I am just now getting round to reading!! 'The Caribbean' it's called, and it’s just a really amazing book!! I begin to see why people read non-fiction – I mean the historical perspective that I am getting on slavery in that area, the fight by European powers for domination, the profit from slave labour, the slaves' fight for freedom, the bloodshed!!! It’s quite something!! Today it occurred to me to wonder if human beings are just naturally self serving! The extent to which these colonialists went to safeguard their interests in the Caribbean was astonishing; add to that their treatment of the slaves – really beyond belief (although there were certainly some gentle and reasonable slave owners). I also came to discover that some of these guys TRULLY believed Black people inferior, responding to nothing more than animal instincts, and being completely closed to reason! Many of them though had to gain grudging respect for the Blacks during their fight for freedom, and indeed a number of them came to love and admire them.

The book is also a study in the character and actions of the various weak and strong men that rose to prominence during that period; the atrocities that weak men committed in trying to assert their authorities, compared to the honorable and respectful way that stronger men ruled, really enlightened me on the nature of men - it’s so true that cowards can be extremely cruel.

One other thing that interested me was the Spanish culture of looking after one’s own family and shamelessly promoting them to positions of authority in order to build up the strength of the family as a whole – I guess that was the practice with the nobility and upper classes throughout Europe at the time, and I wonder when ‘nepotism’ became unacceptable… I guess as the uprisings by poor people and other disenfranchised persons became more commonplace. Anyway, the Spanish suffered greatly for this, stealing from their own governments and impoverishing their own colonies, so that they early on lost their extensive hold on the colonized world, being superseded first by France, who in turn was overrun by Great Britain.

I was also impressed by the part little Holland had to play in trade and general participation as these powers rose to prominence – even when they had few colonies to speak of - I was quite proud!! (I do love that country!) Ok, I know they behaved atrociously in South Africa but so did France and Britain and Spain in their own colonies, it’s just that The Dutch are more recently in our memory!! And anyway we Africans behave no better towards our own brothers – all this leads me to the conclusion that I started out with: man is inherently self serving, given a chance!