Theses from the weekend....

Thesis 1: What is the most important thing?

I have been thinking about my attitudes in relationships, and the decisions that I make, and remembering that when people are older, they say that looking back, they think they should have concetrated on their relationships more, and that this is the biggest piece of advice that they would give anyone..

In my small class is a Nigerian whose undergraduate major was philosophy, and I asked him to tell me what it was that philosophers said was the most important thing - his response (not very helpful) was that in philosophy, questions are more important than the answers... I pressed him further and he said that in short, the answer to this question depends on the person's world view - for altruists, the important thing is to serve mankind, for theists it is to live a godly and reflective life, for humanists it is to realise their potential or experience everything that they can, and so on and so forth.. This still didn't get me very far as I felt there HAD to be a more objective position on the question - so I asked trusty google - and here are some of the answers I got:
1. The most important thing is to gain wisdom
2. The most important thing is to love (and be loved)
3. The most important thing is to be healthy
4. The most important thing is money (I surely don't believe that - the author of this site said this was true because being poor was no fun - the things you find on the net!!)
5. The most important thing is happiness (but how to become happy?)
6. The most important thing is to stretch (a site on exercise)
7. The most important thing is to keep the fights clean and the sex dirty (a site on how to have a successful marriage)

And so on and so forth..

I think the best explanation that I found was from this guy who kind of agreed with my Nigerian classmate that the answer to this question was quite subjective - I mean for instance the most immediate important thing is to keep breathing - obviously if you cannot breathe then the rest of it doesn't matter.. One rung up is survival - to find food and a means of finding food, to be secure so that your life is preserved, and so on.. One rung further up then you start thinking about if you are happy or not, and further up you can be concerned about whether or not you made a contribution to the world, and so on and so forth.. His conclusion was that all in all we should be prepared to grow and learn and adapt, and that perhaps the most important thing is knowing how incomplete our knowledge of the world and of life really is..

Thesis 2: All or Nothing?

I tend to take the stance that in a relationship, either you give your all or you give nothing.. this weekend I decided to end a four-year friendship with someone that is very dear to me, and with whom I have a very special bond - simply because while I feel ready to give my all to a relationship, he is either not ready, not able or not willing to accomodate a relationship as he has to concentrate on getting his medical degree out of the way (understandable really, as this is how he hopes to get fulfilling work and and also take care of himself - and me!)... His own view though was that surely we didn't have to go completely separate ways and never know anything else about each other, we could still be friends (yes, the dreaded phrase).. Ofcourse from experience I know that this NEVER works out!!

Fast forward to me missing him and having second thoughts:

I begun to think - I have very few friends in life, why give up one of them? And after I get back to Ug really, we shall be miles apart and the usual problems that arise from being just friends will not arise... Moreover, I have a distinct feeling that by cutting off all contact I am fleeing the scene because things didn't go perfectly my way, and I fear that this is an inability to really LIVE - with pain and joy and disappointment and love and disagreement and intimacy and all those things.. No wonder I resort to hollywood stunts of just cutting him off without further notice..

The entire time I was telling him it was over he was asking me to reconsider, and even after we separated he contacted me and asked me to think again - he is not offering anything mind you, he just feels that the whole break up is too drastic, and he also realises that he has few friends, and maybe he thinks we can work something, anything out.. I have to say that I agreed with him, in any case I was already feeling so bad for cutting him off so drastically, as though he wasn't first and foremost my friend..

As I write this, I feel that I have been here before and maybe I will end up in hot water again, but it looks like either I don't learn, or I have decided to have some faith still.. they say no matter how much bad experience you get, don't lose faith.. In any case, I am haunted by a suspicion that you cannot apply logic to these things - alot of people say you should trust your instincts and your feelings etc., but surely one should use one's head as well.. I have sometimes followed my heart and ended up nowhere - maybe I don't commit myself fully to it, who knows.. On the other hand, it concerns me that my life experience is very limited, and that I draw on rather dubious sources for advice - movies, books, the internet, but WHAT else can I do? I have a problem, I have to solve it, I don't feel that I have the personal resources to do it, WHAT do I do???

Luckily, in African tradition they say that the strong man allows for the possibility to change his mind, so I guess the jury is still out on this one!!!

Acculturating

Acculturation - there's a new word for me - I looked it up to see if it meant what I thought it meant - and found out that it didn't.. Apparently acculturating refers to the process by which a group of people assimilates with a larger or more dominant group among whom they live.. I thought that it referred to the process by which one's personal culture develops - but I think I like my definition better!!

Speaking of a personal culture, someone once asked me what 'culture' means - well, I always felt that at the very minimum, culture involves a community and a set of values.. and the way in which every single person in that community relates with it... The trouble that I have with the way I think culture is perceived is that it can be the same for everyone in a community - and be subject to externally definition - like when they say so-and-so is cultured and so-and-so isn't.. Surely we all relate with and respond to our surroundings differently - additionally, what we percieve as 'our community' varies from person to person - for some it is narrower and for others wider..

ANYWAY!!!

I have picked up my process of acculturating again since I have been here - books and movies have always had a great impact on my life (so I guess they form a large part of my "community"), and in the past few years I have continued to read but have almost completely ceased to watch movies - so in Leuven I have been able to catch up on the great movies of the last three years (and a few classics I never got round to watching before as well).. It is SUCH fun!!! I wonder what keeps me from watching movies in UG - is it because I live outside the city? Or is it that I don't like any of the movies that are available??

At any rate, after a few movies, I am left in no doubt where I get my existentialist notions - many of these movies really ask the question - what am I doing here, what SHOULD I be doing? Is this all there is and therefore should I live in the moment? Should I concentrate on pleasing myself (i.e. decide to do things in as far as they support my personal growth or give me personal satisfaction) or should I work for the greater good? Luckily for me, accomplishing the greater good usually also gives me personal satisfaction so I this is not a very big concern for me - yet!!

On the other hand, since the bulk of my efforts towards the greater good involves helping people become better people or become more aware and take more control of their destinies, blah, blah, blah, I find that I should surely be more hesitant in forcing my idea of a better life on them. Who says they are unhappy and will be unhappy if they continue upon their current courses in life? In anycase, what REAL experience have I got to pass on - I am the first to agree that most of my so-called insights into life are gained mostly through mental and theoretical engagement rather than real life experience!!! For that matter, when I try to apply them to my own life I find that they don't always pan out!!

Ok, maybe I judge myself too harshly - concerning the benefits of becoming more aware, I am certainly a good example - I came from such nescience (hahahaha - ok, that means unconsciousness or lack of awareness - had to look up a word coz I couldn't quite find the word to express myself) - yes, from such nescience - honestly I feel that my life before age 27 or something passed by in a complete blur!! And yet ofcourse I lived from day to day, quite happily one might even say.. If anything since my so-called epiphany I have been quite restless and shifty and in constant motion, thinking this one minute and thinking the complete opposite the next, and trying to find expression and trying to authentically connect with people and trying to start a business and endeavouring to keep my mind sharpened and this and that and - choas!!!

BUT!!!

I am also very content, and happy, and satisfied - I live in an incomplete and fuzzy mental and social state but I am very comfortable in this lack of definition - ofcourse this causes me problems because I think most organisms naturally strive for equilibrium, as do I - but I can't seem to grasp it.. although on the other hand I read once that when an organism finds and STAYS in equlibrium, then that organism is dies.. so maybe in disequilibrium (there's another new word) I continue living..

Whatever the case, I wish life was all figured out!! But only sometimes.. :-)

Boiling...

No... Not the weather - no, that is more like simmering - or maybe more accurately, thawing - the weather has become a pet peeve of mine incidentally, no wonder the Dutch and The Belgians discuss it so much!! I check for forecasts all day, take ages to decide decide what to wear since it very quickly turns from nice and sunny to angry and rainy, etc..

No, I'm boiling with ideas!! I have set myself such alot of tasks, and at any one time I am trying to develop all of them at once - I have to do a personal project to present at the end of this training for instance, then I have to prepare a poster presentation for the conference that I will attend in Belfast in July (on which I still have NO idea how to proceed!!), and ofcourse ideas for The Big Picture, my career advice consultancy, are also always pressing in!! Basically I never know what to concentrate on and what not!! In particular, I think I tend to set myself really LOFTY goals - and then I suffer with the details afterwards - I suppose I need to learn how to break things up in small pieces and then concentrate on each - the only problem is that I get easily bored so I need variety - unfortunately this means I am not always very effective!!!! And then I feel as if I am just procrastinating, and then I look back over the time that has passed, and I cannot see a single thing that I have accomplished from beginning to end - quite depressing!!!

Anyway, the new idea came to me as I reflected on the problems I am meeting in getting even ONE seminar organised with The Big Picture as I am yet to meet even one school director or careers master!! I thought ofcourse that the distance might have something to do with it - I work in Nkozi and I'm there all week - is there a way I could still provide this service at that distance?? So I thought I could develop an actual workbook - make it attractive and colourful, multimedia and all that.. But even as I thought it, I realise I need start up money for that because the materials that I have in mind are not really locally available - so I am again in a quandry.. I am a good one for coming up with ideas, maybe I need a partner with more business sense.. But trully I need to work on that making smaller assignments for myself, concentrating on them and FINISHING them!! I live too much in the future..

In anycase, with The Big Picture, I always feel as though I have to be COMPLETELY prepared, but maybe I really don't - I only have to be prepared to give one specific, small, manageable service - I mean there is not harm in having a vision, but I must understand that I can only realise a vision a little at a time!!

Ghanaians looove me..

This has started badly - I lost an entire post before I even managed to post it!!

Anyway, I was saying - I have inardvertently joined the 27% of internet users that have a blog - all because I had to find somewhere to vent about the Ghanaians that have been hounding me lately - ok, I have only met two BUT - they are rather persistent and irritating little fellas!! Hounding me with calls - they got my number from me by loudly and publically pestering me till I gave it to them to get rid of them!! I think I should print fake cards and give them out to these types - hey, why did I never think of THAT??!!?

The one that I met today started off with that all time killer line:

"You look soooo familiar - do I know you from somewhere?" - Honestly!!

Turns out he's called Barry - does any one know an actual living person called Barry?? Is it short for anything or is it a whole name?? Anyway, his parting shot was to ask me to continue with the gorgeousness - I am ashamed that I felt obliged to make a retort to that and but ended up only managing a weak "God is the one.. Only God - (what?)" - imagine that!!

I met the second one in a shop on Saturday, he lives in Antwerp (1hr from here by train) and was visiting for a day - he started off by asking me if I lived alone - ?? - so I told him no, I shared an appartment with an Ethiopian girl, and that all my foreign classmates lived on the same floor in case he got any ideas - truly I don't even know why I feel I have to make up ANYthing - I should have just brushed him off - but alas, I have never acquired the knack for that.. Anyway, his reply was that that wasn't a problem, HE lived alone and so could I take some of my own money, and go visit him in Antwerp?? Tsk, tsk..

Is it any wonder that I was driven to creating a blog??