There is this young woman - 30 years old, been in a relationship with a guy for five years and they have a two year old together (he has two other children from previous relationships and she has one from a previous relationship too). Friday night, we are out for drinks and as usual she is in tears over the fact that he will not make their union official - or rather that he keeps putting the ceremony off - this despite repeated cajoling by the girl, her Mom, her Dad, her brother, her friends, name them! Present was a young married couple and the husband said that in his opinion, this was exactly the wrong way to go about getting her boyfriend to commit. Her response to that was that he should leave if things were not to his liking, and that she had done everything in her power, including 'giving' him a daughter to prove her loyalty, but that all that did not seem to be enough.
This married couple is also friends with the boy and they had talked to him about this issue not long ago; apparently he too had complaints about the relationship that were a mile long, and said that unless the girl could address these issues then he could not see how he could make their relationship official. Chief among these complaints was her family and their interfering of course, but he also pointed to a number of incidents where she had flat out deceived him, or left him out to dry in dealings with her family instead of supporting him. When asked why he did not just leave, he hesitated to say; later however he said that he did not want to look like a man who moved from woman to woman, having children all over town, but that if some external forces could get him out of this relationship he would be out of there in a flash!
My own take on the whole situation is that of course the girl should take control of the situation and leave the guy - waiting for the man to leave is a waste of her time and energy! Looking back at my own life, I have found myself in some relationships which, although they appeared to have a lot of good things going for them at the time, were wrong for me on some fundamental level. In the beginning of these relationships I often had my eyes trained on the positives, deciding that no relationship was perfect, but with time I would have to face the fact that there were things that I really could never live with. Then followed a period of discussing these flaws with my partner and expressing my inability to live with them in the hope that he would make the decision to break up (so I could blame him and hate him I suppose); this period could last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years (!). Eventually though, I have had to make the decision to quit discussing the situation and just leave (and leave for good)!
I have recently had to make a similar decision. This is with a man who is perfect in so many ways, but who is simply at a different place from me; plus, we don't live in the same country and he told me early on that he was not capable of being in a long distance relationship. Since we were compatible in so many other ways however, (he recognised and verbalised this often), I thought the long distance thing was not such a big issue and raged against it for at least two more years! With time though, I finally had to face the fact that he was simply not at a point in his life where he could make a long term commitment, and that I should accept that fact without taking it as a rejection of me as a person. For his part, he often told me that he really wished things were different, but ultimately he stuck to his guns and did what was best for him – including persuading me to continue taking his (infrequent) calls and being friends in general. I on the other hand viewed these calls as more opportunities to show him how special what we had was, and what a mistake he was making in not grabbing it, and so on, and so forth! Looking back now I feel really stupid but there you are – this foolishness happens to the best of us!
ANYHOW! After years of trying to persuade him to make a decision, in June this year I decided to make the decision for myself - not discuss it with him, not get his approval, nothing - just do it! I have had to struggle with feelings of rejection of course (and wasted effort etc.), but it has been a couple of months now and I have come to terms with the reality that we may never be together (I should say 'we will never be together' but I guess I am not that over him! :-)); but guess what? He has not come running after me or anything - if anything, he does not even seem to have noticed my recent non-responsiveness - more proof that I made the right decision!
But back to this girl and her woes: The young husband and I discussed it at length, and came to the conclusion that her main fear was that of starting over. His own experience of the fear of starting over (or of getting over that fear anyhow) was related to starting over in business, which he has had to do a couple of times in the past few years! A bystander would think he was CRAZY to do some of the things he has done; most recently he decided to leave behind a partnership that he had built up and that had really good prospects, but that he had to leave because he and his partner simply did not see eye-to-eye anymore; one day he just picked up his computer and walked out the door! He did not try to get bought out or try to take the equipment he had purchased or anything - the way he looked at it, he had started out with his computer, and he could do it again - pursuing his own vision was more than worth it (and boy has that decision paid off by the way!).
For myself, letting go of this latest relationship required me to really look to myself and dredge up the confidence to start over - I will be 35 in about a month's time and I am completely single. However, being beautiful, fit, intelligent, and having some truly good friends, I know that there are plenty of opportunities for me to meet someone new if I will only open myself to them. Best of all, I took control of my life and made a decision for my own happiness, and I can really be proud of that!
