SO, WHAT'S UP?

This evening, I took a mat and sat on my veranda and tried to face my current dis-ease. I feel all confused. Now this has become of great concern because although I have moments of respite, I have really been unable to shake this feeling for the last month or so – since just after Easter actually. It is said that all negative emotions – anger, confusion, depression, etc., are signs that one is out of alignment, and today I finally have to ask myself the question:

‘What’s up?’

The signs of this dis-ease: I catch myself frowning more often than smiling (although I have frowned since babyhood - so maybe that shouldn’t alarm me – or was I confused then too?); my face is breaking up more than usual, I have put on weight, the other day I had a bout of manic eating that left me holding my stomach in an anguish of painful indigestion, and then other days I’m off my food! Plus I am passing these great amounts of really foul gas!! Isn’t this proof that systems are broken? Although it could also be the half kilo of lamb that I ate earlier this week – at two sittings granted but still.

Today I sat at my desk failing to decide what to have for lunch, until I was so hungry I rushed home and begun to throw things into a bowl and mash them – in went that over ripe avocado that I had been wondering what to do with, then the idea came to me to make guacamole, so I cut up the onions and the tomatoes, balked at the garlic, threw in some left over sardines, grated some cheese into it, salt and pepper, tasted, didn’t taste right but couldn’t figure out why, I added some lemon, still not right but eh! - ate it anyway. Made some coffee with milk and ate two cookies. Then lay down and 20 minutes later began to roll around on my bed with a terrific stomach ache, and a nausea so powerful it had me holding my nose away from my clothes because they just made me want to throw up! Infact my whole house smelled – of onion peelings and stale cooking oil and other unidentifiable smells.. As I sit here, my prospects for dinner don’t look so great either – I made this vegetable juice yesterday with celery and parsley and carrots that is just plain nasty!! But it sounds so healthy that I am thinking maybe I will take it with some yogurt? Or lace it with gin. Or both! J Although, God knows I don’t think I should try to bury all this under alcohol – and anyway, alcohol always makes me feel even worse.

Something is not right. Obviously.

I know it all has to do with what I need to be doing to follow my dreams. Some beliefs say that everything is as it should be, and is already perfect (would that be the Buddhists?). Soon after I left Uni I learnt what I think was a valuable and enduring lesson – suffering is good for me – it paves the way for change. On the other hand, if I understand them correctly, the Buddhists say we cause our own suffering, and that suffering arises out of desire – but how to live without desire? I don’t remember if there is such a thing as ‘good desire’, I think all desire is supposed to be detrimental! Anyway - enough holding forth on my half knowledge of Buddhism – to more practical matters…

What do I really want?? What will make me happy? (How is that for practical?) The eternal quest for happiness seems to have me in a stranglehold! My Christian friends might say to me that I am floundering in this fashion as a direct result of having left the straight and narrow – ok, I’m willing to consider this, but let’s put that possibility to one side for the moment. A recurring thought in the past year or so is the fact that my job no longer satisfies me. And then, there are things I love to do, that I don’t do enough of (such as travel, immerse myself in new cultures, get answers to big questions, etc.) All this dissatisfaction is compounded by the fact that my only two friends have left the University and yet my general beliefs and culture have tended to isolate me; the only other person I could halfway talk to has a girlfriend who treats me with high suspicion.

How do you like the pity party so far?

The one shinning thing in my life at the moment is my reading!! That really does it for me.

A few posts back I signed off saying that I should go and figure out what I want – I am afraid I have not made any big strides in that direction, so I am forced to come to a point where I have decided that I should take up serious prayer again – the bible says that we do not know what we should pray about, but the Spirit itself intercedes on our behalf with groans that words cannot express. Maybe I should literally cry out to God, prostrate myself before him, roll on the floor if necessary – maybe sit in sackcloth and ashes outside my office (J that would be quite a sight!) One way or another this has got to end!!

This business with the Dutchman also does not help matters. The man continues to call, but says nothing in effect. And I am really able to just let him come to his own decision on this (wonder of wonders!), but in the meantime this upsets my equilibrium – I just wish he could work out his side of the issue without having to speak to me at all! The area of relationships is another one that I know I should decide on what kind of companion I need and just let God pick him out!! I think I am still secretly hanging on to this man – good though he may be.

So anyway, I am sitting here in quiet, feeling a little relieved after thinking these things through (I seem to think much better when I am writing – talking?), but I still feel as though I am not arriving at a concrete decision. At this point I need to remind myself that I should allow myself to be present in the chaos, and know that out of the chaos always emerges a perfect solution. Not only that, things are as they should be, and I should allow myself to suffer needlessly – it is just that I do not yet see – but soon I shall – let me hold on to that.

WRITING, PRAYING, AGAIN...

So, I just came from reading the book by Elizabeth Gilbert called ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ – she ate in Italy, prayed in India and found Love (and balance) in Bali. I have to admit I started out not being too thrilled by this book – I found the author tended to use language that was too expressive so that one felt she was trying too hard – not to say that her analogies were not very vivid or interesting or funny, or that her expressions were out of place – it is just that they were a wee bit overdone. I myself prefer the understatement of things, the stealthy coming upon me of facts, events, meanings.. so that page after page I am subtly drawn into the tale without my even noticing it.

ANYWAY.

I guess just like meeting someone that you doubt you are going to like at first, some people grow on one, and before you know it, they are playing a pivotal role in your life!! I eventually began to relate to the author because we share a love for travel and food! In addition to that was her search for God, for balance, for love – for love and acceptance of self above all. For contentment. Peace. At one point I also recognised my tendency to yap because boy can this author yap! It brought me face to face with my own inability to be silent (she found this particularly hard as well) as I recalled this very past weekend. There are these people who make the journey from the city to travel the 80 odd km to our University every other Sunday, and I often travel along with them. Now what happens is that I find myself telling story after story or commenting on the scenery or sharing my profound insights into life!! Every passing car reminds me of this or the other incident, every song that plays on the car radio has a story to it. Sometimes after I have told a particularly long anecdote, silence will descend upon us and I will realise that I have been ranting on about a not particularly exciting story about people none of them know for the last 15 minutes. As I read the book I recalled catching myself repeatedly interrupting guys in the car this past weekend. And it is not even that I am uncomfortable with silence (I answered that question long ago), I think I am just starved for conversation with like minded people, which is why I should realise that interrupting them and hogging all the attention is hardly the way to get them to keep asking me to ride with them. Case in point:

I was telling this story about a woman who had gotten married the previous weekend – I should say here that I heard this story third or fourth hand and I have told it to three or four different parties – I fear with slight adjustments for effect every time. Anyway, the bride to be admitted to her girlfriends at her bridal shower that her fiancé was not the least bit romantic, but that she had learned to live with it. My friends went on to tell me they proved this by the fact that the man did not crack a single smile the entire day of his wedding, failing to crack even under the continuous teasing and cajoling of the MC and everyone who took the mic besides, not even the photographers were able to put a dent in his armour, I’d like to think that even the celebrant would have had no luck if he tried (I might have reported the celebrant bit as though it really happened). Anyway, I point out that this is not to say, in my opinion, that not smiling = not romantic but anyway, my friends took this as evidence. Further evidence that their friend was really in trouble though came with the groom’s speech: he told his friends that they were now welcome to visit any time because at last he had a real home and someone to cook and clean – my friends SWORE this was true!! Apparently one of them rang the happy bride the day after the wedding to see that she was well rested etc. and found her en-route to the shops to get spices for a goat that her in-laws had given them at the wedding that was going down that day!

Now, in the middle of telling this story, one of my listeners interjects to say that all this business of being ‘romantic’ was over rated and misunderstood. He took a breath to expound and I jumped in there: ‘of course romance is misunderstood (I did not want to be caught thinking otherwise – I actually think many girls put too much emphasis on ‘romantic’ as a trait and ignore more important characteristics, but surely I could have let the man finish his thought!! I was fully aware that I didn’t want him finishing before I said my bit because I didn’t want him thinking I thought being romantic was a big deal (I do think it isn’t the end all and be all). However this is evidence of my general fighting for acceptance (?), or something like that. Anyway I prattled on about how it was more important for a future spouse be considerate, caring, loving, committed, helpful, etc., and that a lot of girls were too easily swept off their feet by flowers and chocolate and sweet nothings, which some sharp men were using to great advantage more and more these days, and on and on and I pontificated!! My poor listener had to leave the floor.

All this to say: I really related to the writer of the book on the issue of being unable to be silent, and even attempted some meditation after I finished reading the book. I am sorry to report that my mind simply refused to be quieted! Mediation has never been easy I have to admit. It could be a residual fear from the time I was Christian when it was said that meditation and emptying one’s mind was opening a gateway for demons or evil spirits.. Or it could be that my mind is teeming with so many thoughts all the time that that I should not try to suppress – instead I should let them out – like I am doing now writing this down. I don’t know. Anyway during my so-called meditation, I suddenly hit on the bright idea to come sit at my computer and write as a think – in the past I have actually felt that writing was for me a way to pray, to clear my mind, to think things through, to attain realisation – or whatever. So here I am.

Someone just passed my window cryig put about how hungry she is – she reminded me of a super skinny roommate of mine at Uni who woke up everyday and ate nothing at all all day. By mid morning she would have started: ‘You guys, I am soooo famished’. as the day wore on, this began to sound like a lament – like she was praying or something. Keening – that is the word. By evening, looking like she could fade right away, she would finally nibble on a piece of bread, and the cycle would begin all over again the next day. Automatically I turn to my workmates to share this little tidbit, but I suppress the impulse. I really have my work cut out for me!!

I tell myself to just sit quietly. To reflect. Think. Be.

Another voice says: why are you trying so hard to be someone else??

A third voice says: everything is as it should be.

Things are tight!

OH MOTIVATION – WHERE ART THOU?

So here I am on a Monday morning, searching high and low for that elusive quantity called motivation. The author of the book ‘Emotional Intelligence’ says that we are all capable of influencing our emotions simply by exerting our will. On Sunday (yesterday) a cousin of mine asked me what the week ahead looked like, and I replied with such despondency she just had to shake her head. Basically I felt ZERO motivation to do anything – this could be I had put off all the most unpleasant tasks until this week, or maybe it is more of the general attitude I have towards my job these days – feeling like I need to effect a change.

Another possible problem could be the stalling of my looooong standing plans to start my own consultancy – I have prepared, designed, visualised, proclaimed, name it! But I am yet to make the step to contact a single school!! I even went through a period of dreaming I was pregnant for a couple of months, then one day I dreamt that I had miscarried!! :-/ Anyway, last week this speaker came to my school to speak to students on career guidance and brought up all my old frustrations with myself. Observing how poorly he did the job, I thought about how much better I could do it and yet here I was sitting around on my behind doing nothing!!! And THEN griping about lacking the motivation to do the work that I have chosen to hang on to doing!!

Last week things got so bad that I visited Susan Miller over at astrologyzone.com, a year or so after I threw her out. I have to say that I treat Astrology with serious scepticism since I can not figure out how or even IF it works, but Susan Miller gets so eerily accurate sometimes that I give her special consideration!! So, she says that Virgos in April are in rather turbulent times – things seem all uphill and no end in sight, and this has been and will continue to be the case for some 9 or 10 months for each of us! Apparently this is because Uranus, the great Innovator, and Saturn, the ruler of personal growth and commitments are both eclipsing the Sun in Virgo at the moment and shinning their rays directly at us. Saturn in particular is supposed to be a task master and will not let one off the hook easily, so only the most stubborn individuals will fail to turn their lives around during this time; all this to say that I really have to be serious and respond to the calling on my life.

ANYWAY.

I was saying. I need to motivate myself. Nothing will move forward and nothing will get done if I don’t motivate myself to put in the work. The way I see it, the sooner this work is done and my desk is cleared, the sooner I will feel free of the obligations that are weighing me down at the moment!!

Sigh…

A good place to start is to reflect on something great that I have been doing of late, and that is making these large salads. I find that they help me maintain energy through the day, esp. if I eat them for lunch, as opposed to some of my past starchy lunches that tended to send me to sleep! So now, I just came from eating my latest creation - it contains: Lettuce, Carrots, Green peppers, Onions, Tomatoes, Raisins, Avocado, Feta, Salt and Pepper and French dressing - DIVINE! Although I might skip the lettuce next time, it tends to wilt after a few hours. For instance I made this salad last night (had it for supper too), but by today lunchtime all the lettuce had wilted, whereas all the other vegetables were still nice and springy! I realise such a sald doe not require high art, but I hope this is start of many more to come - so far I am only following the advice of a friend of mine who said:
'Salads are really easy to make - all you have to do is throw in everything that you feel like eating' - although ofcourse I didn't take that literally.. I don't throw in everything..

ANTSY

I wonder if the infestation of ants in my house is a metaphor for my life; I had a long conversation with a friend of mine last night and he commented that restlessness has been an enduring theme in my life for the last few years. According to him, every time we speak (which 3 or 4 times a year on average) I am spoiling for a change of scene. I think I have been able to curb this problem by organising to travel quite often, and when such an opportunity passed me by (Barcelona which was supposed to be next week) my old antsyness reared its head again.
But first a little about these ten(ants) of mine: I moved into this apartment over a year ago, and was immediately accosted by armies of ants getting into every thing! Nothing was spared!! Bread, butter, cooking oil, drinking water (!) name it.. If I left a glass of wine by my bedside overnight there they were all over it by morning. Once I left a dirty plate on the dining table and the ants were all over it within an hour!! It is as if there are eggs ready to hatch out the very air of my house at any moment. One long weekend the tap in my bathroom sprang a small leak and water collected around it – our water pipes are a little rusty so the water is brownish when you first turn it on. When I got back, the water had evaporated somewhat to leave a congealed rusty deposit, and there I found ants busy – drinking ? – the rust. (Maybe that is why they are also always in my drinking water). Since then, there is constant trail of them going up into the hot water tank and I frequently have to drown them with a quick spray from the shower head to rid my sink of them. When I first moved in, other people living on campus told me that I had moved in during the season of ants - but as the season(s) have come and gone, the ants have stubbornly stayed. The Irish girl who lived there before told me later that the ants were a constant feature of the apartment the entire time she lived there.
Recently, tired of eating hard cold bread from the fridge, I devised a new hiding place for my bread. I had noticed that anything that I left atop my one burner gas cooker was left undisturbed. Last week I decided to stuff the bread into a saucepan and leave the saucepan on top of the burner, and since then I have enjoyed fresh, soft ant-free bread! The other place that the Ants never ventured was in my wooden sugar bowl – until earlier this week! I have resorted to keeping the sugar in the fridge as well, and until I empty the sugar bowl, I have to drink juice or tea with dead ants floating in it! The most amazing thing about these ants is that putting them in the fridge does not kill them!! When I put the sugar out for a few minutes, they will revive and go about their business again!! They even get under my sweet wrappers, and these days I don’t bother to brush off the immobile (dead? over fed?) ants before I pop one into my mouth.
All this to wonder if the Ants are a metaphor for my life. The last few days I have taken some time off to be my self. Easter weekend saw a historic gathering of my siblings, brother-in-law, nephew, cousins and an Aunt at my parent’s country home, and although this was great fun, it was somewhat draining. Living all the way out here is one of the things I love about this place – when I need to withdraw and be completely alone, all I need to do is go to my house and shut the door; no threat of unexpected visitors or anything; perhaps that is one of the reasons that thinking of leaving this place (as much as I desire it) gives me a pain in my leg (signifying a reluctance to move forward). Going back to town will bring me into close proximity with relatives, friends, noise, etc.
Anyway, it all started with me re-watching ‘The Secret’; As usual, I was prompted to ask myself what I really wanted. In the past I have described this in terms of places and job titles, and so on, but this week I wondered if I ought not just outline general characteristics and let the universe deal with the specifics. For instance – I have been going on about Edinburgh 2008. But on closer inspection, what is it about this move that would fulfil my desires? I know it has to do with an unlimited supply to literature of all genres at every corner, and a host of people to discuss it with, not to mention the possibility of pursuing my writing; historical sites to visit; close proximity to mainland Europe so that I can hope on a plane and visit any place anytime; etc. Also, it would provide me an opportunity to do my PhD, which is something I have wanted to do since September 2006! ‘The Secret’ encourages one to focus on an end result and perhaps it is time that rather than specify places (which I have no guarantee of fulfilling my needs) and methods and whatnot, I should just list the things that I enjoy doing, ways that I enjoy being, goals I would like to achieve, and so on.
The result of the last few days of reflection as I have already mentioned has been an increase in general antsyness. Two nights ago, I had a pain in my leg the whole night as I struggled with facing and owning the future that I want, which as far as I could see then would only be possible if I left this place. Maybe in that matter as well I should just concentrate on a way of life that I desire, and attract it into my life, instead of concentrating on what has to happen for that way of life to come about. Who says I cannot achieve this life even if I stayed here? To be honest, I do like it here – I mean there are aspects of the job that don’t thrill me, but on the whole there is a lot to be said for staying. No wonder my insides rebel against leaving.
Ah well, I’ll go work on that wish list then.