No. Madly, Deeply, Truly - Unsatisfied? Unplugged? Out of sync? Dare I say it – Unhappy? I really can’t believe I dare say it (although I have said it) - for fear that it might actually come to pass! But perhaps I just have to face it, rather than hide from it..
So what has brought this on?
Well, it has probably been a long time a-cooking… This year was one year longer than I should have been where I am now. The whole year has actually been characterised by a pervasive longing to be elsewhere. The Buddhists say that desire is the root of all suffering, you know, wishing that things were different. BUT: (and I have said this before) how can one live without desire? It is all very well (and probably much more peaceful) to accept things as they are and declare them good and as they should be – however, and maybe it is a sign of severe spiritual paucity, I just cannot help my self!
My plight is not helped by recent warm communications with a man that I really like but that is far from me; or by the news that I can repair to a world class University anytime from now to start a PhD if I can find the money; or the glaring fact that these employers of mine hope to keep me in this (loathed!) position for the next two years – of course they cannot force me, but while they asked me nicely to ‘act’ for six months while they look for a ‘substantive’ replacement, they are clearly doing nothing of the sort. Leaving them in a lurch will look unprofessional, and I will end up looking like the bad guy!
Moreover, it is not as if I even have where to go with all my threatening to leave! This is an even more depressing thought because it shows how low my faith is of late!! Especially compared to earlier in the year: I had a chance to change jobs then… I went to the interview full of optimism, presented myself in my full glory, but was careful to tell nothing but the truth about my current aspirations – which included plans to pursue my PhD in the very near future. I suspected that this revelation might hurt my chances but I had no qualms admitting it (and anyway I would have been mis-representing myself) – now that was faith talking!! I wonder if I am not now losing all hope just as the light of dawn peeps over the horizon!
But anyway, what is the way forward, besides and beyond this ranting?
Possibly:
Try and keep the faith. Hold on. Keep praying. Keep hoping.
Or
Change direction slightly. There is a new opportunity at work that would tie in very well with the subject of my PhD study – it would involve me being responsible for the quality assurance of programs within the University, an initiative funded by the German Government, and for which position I only have one competitor currently. It would also be in line with a proposal that I made the University a year ago in which I tried to get them to change my duties so that my work would better match my skills and aspirations – as I said, I have been in a place that I have not wanted to be this whole academic year!! Receipt of that proposal was acknowledged but nothing was really done about it. Maybe I should revive it together with my bid to be the quality assurance person. The only fly in that ointment is the fact that I would have to work under the MOST difficult individual in the University – but I think I am equal to the task – all his attempts to bully me in our previous encounters have met with my most charming but determined resistance!! And anyway, I have already been working with the second most difficult in the University so! J
Hmmm.
What to do?
All this of course is not helped by the fact that I am in the middle of end of semester marking – good GOD but it is gruelling!! On the other hand it has been the source of serious self motivating efforts, for which I can pat myself on the back – I really had to put some emotional intelligence to work Monday morning!! Proof that every cloud has a silver lining!
And another thing:
All my friends at work have left – even the residential hottie that I have been flirting with is hot-footing it out of here tomorrow!! Ah well. Better call on some more of that emotional intelligence and pick myself up. As for resolving my dilemma, I have decided – tentatively – that I will go ahead and renew my proposal from last year together with making the bid for quality assurance person, and if this yields nothing, then I will really have to think about leaving all together!! I cannot put myself through another year of this misery!! At the same time of course, I will hold on to the faith – this proposal actually fits perfectly with the PhD program, especially if I follow the sandwich model, which model will also put me in the same town as my far away love – if only the money for this PhD could show up!! L Or rather – it WILL show up J
P.S. Is this me trying to hold on to BOTH possibilities at once? Sigh……
