LOST - ALL OF A SUDDEN

Sooo, what next? I have been feeling kind of lost the last few days, and today I realised that I have been unconsciously asking myself 'what next?' Went walking with a friend of mine today, and talked it over. I told her that it was difficult to describe exactly what I had been feeling – lost? Uprooted? Foreign? Misplaced? When we came from walking, we passed by the staff pub and Africa Magic was showing on the TV as usual – I told her that finding Africa Magic playing all the time was one of those small things that usually managed to intensify my feeling of alienation!

Before going for the walk, I tried to think about why I have been feeling like this – and I wondered if part of it was this being chased by men I don’t want, and pining for men who don’t want me – case in point – er, ach, don’t want to talk about it! I AM willing to talk about those who want me though: I’m off to S.A. in a few days - I feel, under false pretences– there is no way I am ever going to date this guy, and of course he is trying his best to woo me and more power to him and mine is to receive BUT – he stands no chance – so knowing this, I feel as if going on this trip is completely unethical!! (And ok, his decision I know but ALL the same!!) For that matter, I think I also feel this way because I feel as if he is forcing me into this in a way – pretending it is work when really he just wants to get his chance – AGAIN – OK! I chose to go so he is not forcing me to do anything. Moreover, in all this, I may be TOTALLY off – and this is what I hope is the case…

Going to the work front, I decided that I was just doing the wrong thing in the wrong place – no wonder I felt so misplaced!! The goals and direction here have changed so drastically the last few years that come next semester, I will be down to 3 hours a week – too few for a full time position – so we have been looking around for how I can increase them… As we continued walking, I begun to toy with the idea of completely chucking it in, and as soon as this idea came to me I felt a great weight lift off my back – although after a few minutes of thinking about it, I decided that it would perhaps be more practical for me to keep the three hours and change from being full time to being part time. That way, I can give time to my other pursuits (which frankly, I have been neglecting, only adding to my poor well being...)

Anyway, as we speak, I feel SOOOO much better – I know just what I need to do. I will do the part time thing here (if they will have me), do The Big Picture business, and in nine months’ time start my PhD and hey presto!

WONDERS NEVER CEASE

I think I may have turned a corner in my culinary skills (or do I speak too soon?). I cooked something so tasty today that I couldn’t talk myself out of taking seconds – of my OWN food – this has never happened (or has happened sooo rarely that - er, no, it has NEVER happened!!) The reason I think I have improved to this extent maybe due to the fact that I now follow cookbook recipes faithfully, and although I still cannot resist the odd embellishment, my little rebellions do not result in the total disasters they did before!! Maybe I know better what works with what and what doesn’t (or maybe I have better sense than to defy my culinary betters!!) I cannot believe that it was this simple all along!!

(In due recognition of this corner in my life, I looked up the word 'culinary' just now, to be sure it pertained to cooking and not eating – I wasn’t even sure of a word so closely related to cooking – goes to show!)

You should have seen me two weeks ago – preparing a menu for my sister’s birthday brunch like I regularly turned out a loaf of bread and three different salads as part of breakfast!! Too bad she had to work so we had to put off the brunch, and then I wasn’t available the day she was free!! But not to fear, this Brunch shall come to pass!! Anyway, I am now more inspired than ever SO - WAIT for it – I'm going to bake a CHRISTMAS CAKE!!! :-)

My new found confidence may also be in the fact that this last weekend, I found out that the mysterious ingredients ‘basil’ and ‘mint’ are common garden weeds (well, almost! - they practically grow wild in my parents’ backyard!!) – I hope no serious food lovers discover this entry and lynch me – I say this in complete jest please – nobody respects and loves food more than I!! :-)

Speaking of wonders, I managed to log on to Blogger to post this – may wonders long continue!!

AHHH, life…

I lent a friend of mine two books recently: The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nightdress' and 'Vernon God Little' - two books that I thought were really well written, though perhaps not exactly what I would call entertaining - basically too dark for that.. HER description of the books was 'a little disturbing'... :-) I have to say I liked that description!! She for her part lent me a book by Marian Keyes (sp) - I read another book by her in my youth - 'Last Chance Salon'(loved it!) - but I found that this last book, while quite entertaining, was difficult to relate to. It had this unreal fairy tale quality to it that just didn't ring true with me, and even when there were shocking or sad parts, I wasn't really moved!

Well, this afternoon I just finished with another disturbing book by an author known as Siri Hustvedt entitled 'What I Loved'. It is the kind of book that I immerse myself in and read in two days (sometimes neglecting some of my work) but that I will forget all about in another few months! I think this is really sad so I have decided to keep track of all these kinds of books because frankly, not all books can be 'One Hundred Years of Solitude', or 'Life of Pi'. However, they are extraordinary all the same, and I have to keep track of them. The reason I forget all about them so soon is that they relate perfectly ordinary lives, but often depict such flawed and tortured aspects of these lives that they leave me a little depressed to be honest. However, I also feel that some people's lives are actually like that (if not most people), including, to a certain extent my own, so I always find these kinds of books much more relatable to! Not only that, I think they make me more empathetic and insightful with people around me, especially those for whom life on the surface appears to be going sooo well. Although, to be honest, it is not as easy to apply these kinds of insight to my nearest family - I guess that is why I relate so much to them – it’s like ok, these things happen to everyone. That is why I was drawn to A.M. Homes for instance, and just as I did in her case, I want to get Siri's other books and read them too.

ONE EATS ALOT OF LEFTOVERS WHEN ONE LIVES ON ONE'S OWN!

I always looked forward to living on my own because I thought it would give me plenty of opportunity to learn how to cook ATLAST! I have to say it has been quite an adventure - true, I eat too much potato soup (my most successful dish EVER), but I am also trying out all these different pasta sauces, and yesterday I ate celery for the first time in forever!! The smell took me back to my childhood because my mother was also always experimenting with recipes.. Mind you I have also learnt to chop vegetables like a pro!! :-)

Anyway, the problem with these recipes is that they feed 4 or 6, and trying to cut them down to a serving for 1 is very difficult, for instance I had to use
1 large courgette
1 stalk of spinach
1 carrot
1 onion,
etc.
How does one reduce those ingredients down to serve 1?? So what happens is that I have leftovers of soup, pasta sauce, ground beef, etc., in these containers in my fridge, and what happens is that come lunch time, I look at all these leftovers and feel silly cooking something else - so I end up having these strange combinations that some times taste really good, but more often than not, are totally disgusting!! Today though, I poured the pasta sauce left over from the recipe above into leftover potato soup and it tasted really nice!!

ANYWAY, it is all a great experience. One thing in particular is that one gets to try out all sorts of outlandish dishes and brands of things until they decide on the ones that suit them best! Infact today I was thinking every young person should live on their own and have time to experiment as they wish before joining up with someone else!

GREETING THE ANCESTORS

My last surviving grandparent passed away around Easter this year, passing into the great hall of my ancestors. She’d lived with us for the best part of a decade, and had been a great fountain of wisdom, told crazy stories and instructed us in our local language (Rukiga)… During the last two or so years, her hearing begun to fail and she had constant pain in her back, stomach and legs. About two months before she died, she had a heart attack, and spent a few weeks in hospital, part of that time unconscious and on life support. When she came back home, she couldn’t walk very far anymore, and she was in more pain than ever. I tried to convince my dad to give her more pain killers since it was clear addiction was the least of her problems, but he wouldn’t hear of it, perhaps because he didn’t want to face the fact that she was really dying this time.

Anyway, she lived in the guest wing of my parents’ house, and since it has been standing empty these last months, I decided to move in this past weekend. It suits me very well because it is away from the main house and affords me some space and privacy (which I have come to realise more and more is totally necessary to life for me)

On the first night, I decided to carry out a private moving in ceremony – partly because of some stuff I read in a book that said one needed to claim and bless a space before one moved into it, and partly because my little sister accused me of showing off by moving into Grandma’s room when everyone knew it was haunted. :-) Silly girl! Anyway, I sat on the edge of my bed and prepared to begin. I wondered if I should say the words out loud or not, and decided on the latter (I’d feel too silly otherwise – although I later wished I had said them out loud – more effectual that way!)

I started off by greeting my Grandmother, and hoping she was comfortable where she was etc. – I started off doing this in Rukiga, but after a few moments casting about endlessly for suitable translations for words that appeared in my head in English, I figured that being dead, maybe she was beyond language barriers, and proceeded in English. I told her we were all well, and that I was looking forward to moving into her room. After this I started, with her permission, to claim the room. That it would be a room where I would rest well, be creative and be peaceful; thinking back to her state of mind towards her death, I begun to chase away fear and invite love, to chase away loneliness and invite companionship, to chase away confusion and invite clarity, to chase away ill health and invite well being, to chase away inability and invite ability, agility and strength. There after I invited all her positive qualities to stay: her strength of character, her excellent memory, her big heart, her innocence.

After that small ceremony, I have to say I slept very well, and have slept very well ever since! I really feel myself expanding and filling the space completely.

SURRENDERING

(Posted Four days later!)

A cousin of mine wants me to surrender to this guy that I feel almost sure has fancied me for ever, he is always fidgeting around me and has made suggestive remarks around me now and then, and a few weeks back even sent me suggestive sms. I promised my cousin I would surrender to him and go out with him if he asks me out. However, I told her I felt sure he would never ask, and today I found out that I am definitely part of the reason why: whenever the guy is anywhere near me or tries to catch my eye, I totally increase my concentration on whatever I am doing!! I completely shut him out – I mean, he is hardly going to go in for the kill if I am putting up such walls!! I now wonder if this is not cheating on my part – I guess surrendering starts with encouraging the person to ask you out in the first place – blast!! I may have to give the guy some more airtime from now on!!

The thing is this – and my cousin always asks why I don’t think I could date him – his negativity! I quite literally cannot live with it. Not only that, his general dismissiveness of all things Ugandan! Not only that, his quickness to negatively judge others – I mean as soon as a letter lands on his desk he reads it aloud and passes judgement on the font, or the short notice to some meeting, or the incorrectness of this or the uselessness of that – I mean really!! Then, on the other hand, as soon as something has an association with Europe or America, then it automatically passes. The other day he told me something that some Ugandans were proposing to him was probably worth pursuing because someone from South Africa had rung him about it… Ordinarily, without this external stamp of approval, he would have been expressing doubt about its authenticity or seriousness. Mind you I am aware that I am ALSO judging him here and maybe making unfair allegations but whatever the case, every time he picks something up and before his eyes are done sweeping over it he is pronouncing judgement, I just cringe!

FOUR YEARS AGO…

(Posted a week later!!)

Today, four years ago, at around this time actually, I went to a church in a small town in the East of Holland. As I sat there, all the regulars continued filing in until one guy that I had never seen strolled in. He surveyed the room and caught my eye, lingered for a second as something passed between us, and then he walked over to a free seat about two rows in front of me. As the service proceeded, he kept throwing glances over his shoulder, and I continued to toss my fake extensions over my shoulder (being one of those bad hair days, I had borrowed a wig that looked like braided hair from my room mate – and even if I say so myself, I looked quite fetching with it on!!)

Anyway, at the end of service, we usually had a cup of tea and a chat, so here I was in the line talking to some person, when he comes up and starts talking to the person I was talking to, then turns to me and introduces himself and asks me where I was from. When I tell him I’m Ugandan he gets really excited and tells me he spent 3 months in Kibale (a remote village in the West), and that that was one of the most enjoyable periods in his life. From there on he joins the line and we continue talking, then he invites me to join a group of his friends, and he continues to give me these penetrating looks…

Anyway, later he asks me to join them going to check out a book fair about half an hour’s cycling away, but I told him my bicycle was not in condition to ride that far so he offers to give me a ride there… Which I agree to and off we go (I remember wondering at his keenness for me to join them but I was not exactly put off by it). Later we all go back to his place for lunch, and then he invites me for a bible study the following week. At the bible study he is really attentive, and puts some food aside for me because I am kind of late, then sits next to me, shares his bible, stands really close to me and asks me a hundred questions, generally..

Anyway, fours years ago I met a young Dutchman, and I have really missed him in the last few weeks!! We had to break up earlier this year coz neither of us was willing to carry on a long distance relationship and although he wanted to remain friends, I preferred to break all ties… He tried to contact me a few times, and I responded but the last sms he sent I didn’t reply so I guess he got the hint. However, today, I really feel like I would like to get in touch. Unfortunately I erased all his email addresses and phone numbers so… I am conducting an internet search – will see what that brings up. I don’t feel strong enough not to get in touch, truly!! And I know I will probably beat myself up over this later BUT, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!

(30 Minutes later)

I have to laugh!! I actually found a website for the guy and sent him a message, and then suddenly this pain that I have had in my leg all night disappeared! I really wondered where the pain came from, I went running yesterday but running never gives me such pain – I now realise of course that it is my usual psychosomatic stunts – since yesterday I have been wondering whether or not to get in touch with this guy, and I had just decided to sweep it under the carpet, but evidently my mind was not fooled!

Anyway, that is that... Back to work! (By the way, the proposal is suddenly coming along so well, I am soooo pleased!)