LOST - ALL OF A SUDDEN

Sooo, what next? I have been feeling kind of lost the last few days, and today I realised that I have been unconsciously asking myself 'what next?' Went walking with a friend of mine today, and talked it over. I told her that it was difficult to describe exactly what I had been feeling – lost? Uprooted? Foreign? Misplaced? When we came from walking, we passed by the staff pub and Africa Magic was showing on the TV as usual – I told her that finding Africa Magic playing all the time was one of those small things that usually managed to intensify my feeling of alienation!

Before going for the walk, I tried to think about why I have been feeling like this – and I wondered if part of it was this being chased by men I don’t want, and pining for men who don’t want me – case in point – er, ach, don’t want to talk about it! I AM willing to talk about those who want me though: I’m off to S.A. in a few days - I feel, under false pretences– there is no way I am ever going to date this guy, and of course he is trying his best to woo me and more power to him and mine is to receive BUT – he stands no chance – so knowing this, I feel as if going on this trip is completely unethical!! (And ok, his decision I know but ALL the same!!) For that matter, I think I also feel this way because I feel as if he is forcing me into this in a way – pretending it is work when really he just wants to get his chance – AGAIN – OK! I chose to go so he is not forcing me to do anything. Moreover, in all this, I may be TOTALLY off – and this is what I hope is the case…

Going to the work front, I decided that I was just doing the wrong thing in the wrong place – no wonder I felt so misplaced!! The goals and direction here have changed so drastically the last few years that come next semester, I will be down to 3 hours a week – too few for a full time position – so we have been looking around for how I can increase them… As we continued walking, I begun to toy with the idea of completely chucking it in, and as soon as this idea came to me I felt a great weight lift off my back – although after a few minutes of thinking about it, I decided that it would perhaps be more practical for me to keep the three hours and change from being full time to being part time. That way, I can give time to my other pursuits (which frankly, I have been neglecting, only adding to my poor well being...)

Anyway, as we speak, I feel SOOOO much better – I know just what I need to do. I will do the part time thing here (if they will have me), do The Big Picture business, and in nine months’ time start my PhD and hey presto!