On starting over...

There is this young woman - 30 years old, been in a relationship with a guy for five years and they have a two year old together (he has two other children from previous relationships and she has one from a previous relationship too). Friday night, we are out for drinks and as usual she is in tears over the fact that he will not make their union official - or rather that he keeps putting the ceremony off - this despite repeated cajoling by the girl, her Mom, her Dad, her brother, her friends, name them! Present was a young married couple and the husband said that in his opinion, this was exactly the wrong way to go about getting her boyfriend to commit. Her response to that was that he should leave if things were not to his liking, and that she had done everything in her power, including 'giving' him a daughter to prove her loyalty, but that all that did not seem to be enough.

This married couple is also friends with the boy and they had talked to him about this issue not long ago; apparently he too had complaints about the relationship that were a mile long, and said that unless the girl could address these issues then he could not see how he could make their relationship official. Chief among these complaints was her family and their interfering of course, but he also pointed to a number of incidents where she had flat out deceived him, or left him out to dry in dealings with her family instead of supporting him. When asked why he did not just leave, he hesitated to say; later however he said that he did not want to look like a man who moved from woman to woman, having children all over town, but that if some external forces could get him out of this relationship he would be out of there in a flash!

My own take on the whole situation is that of course the girl should take control of the situation and leave the guy - waiting for the man to leave is a waste of her time and energy! Looking back at my own life, I have found myself in some relationships which, although they appeared to have a lot of good things going for them at the time, were wrong for me on some fundamental level. In the beginning of these relationships I often had my eyes trained on the positives, deciding that no relationship was perfect, but with time I would have to face the fact that there were things that I really could never live with. Then followed a period of discussing these flaws with my partner and expressing my inability to live with them in the hope that he would make the decision to break up (so I could blame him and hate him I suppose); this period could last anywhere from a few months to a couple of years (!). Eventually though, I have had to make the decision to quit discussing the situation and just leave (and leave for good)!

I have recently had to make a similar decision. This is with a man who is perfect in so many ways, but who is simply at a different place from me; plus, we don't live in the same country and he told me early on that he was not capable of being in a long distance relationship. Since we were compatible in so many other ways however, (he recognised and verbalised this often), I thought the long distance thing was not such a big issue and raged against it for at least two more years! With time though, I finally had to face the fact that he was simply not at a point in his life where he could make a long term commitment, and that I should accept that fact without taking it as a rejection of me as a person. For his part, he often told me that he really wished things were different, but ultimately he stuck to his guns and did what was best for him – including persuading me to continue taking his (infrequent) calls and being friends in general. I on the other hand viewed these calls as more opportunities to show him how special what we had was, and what a mistake he was making in not grabbing it, and so on, and so forth! Looking back now I feel really stupid but there you are – this foolishness happens to the best of us!

ANYHOW! After years of trying to persuade him to make a decision, in June this year I decided to make the decision for myself - not discuss it with him, not get his approval, nothing - just do it! I have had to struggle with feelings of rejection of course (and wasted effort etc.), but it has been a couple of months now and I have come to terms with the reality that we may never be together (I should say 'we will never be together' but I guess I am not that over him! :-)); but guess what? He has not come running after me or anything - if anything, he does not even seem to have noticed my recent non-responsiveness - more proof that I made the right decision!

But back to this girl and her woes: The young husband and I discussed it at length, and came to the conclusion that her main fear was that of starting over. His own experience of the fear of starting over (or of getting over that fear anyhow) was related to starting over in business, which he has had to do a couple of times in the past few years! A bystander would think he was CRAZY to do some of the things he has done; most recently he decided to leave behind a partnership that he had built up and that had really good prospects, but that he had to leave because he and his partner simply did not see eye-to-eye anymore; one day he just picked up his computer and walked out the door! He did not try to get bought out or try to take the equipment he had purchased or anything - the way he looked at it, he had started out with his computer, and he could do it again - pursuing his own vision was more than worth it (and boy has that decision paid off by the way!).

For myself, letting go of this latest relationship required me to really look to myself and dredge up the confidence to start over - I will be 35 in about a month's time and I am completely single. However, being beautiful, fit, intelligent, and having some truly good friends, I know that there are plenty of opportunities for me to meet someone new if I will only open myself to them. Best of all, I took control of my life and made a decision for my own happiness, and I can really be proud of that!

My woes with Matatu Drivers

The typical Matatu driver is rude, obnoxious and will always try to hit on you if you so much as look at him sideways! (Matatu is the local term for the 14-carrier public transport minibus). My woes with these guys are a mile long, but recently I met one who took the cake!!

I like to take the front seat because it has the best leg room, and on this occasion the seat between me and the driver was not occupied and since I was going home pretty late, there were just two other passengers in the rest of the Matatu. Now usually, when these guys see that that there are too few passengers, they try to pawn them off to another Matatu that is going the same way, so that they can turn around and go get more passengers. The problem is, the new Matatu driver is even less invested and chances of being abandoned become even greater!

Anyway, true to form, this Matatu driver was trying to pawn us off and in desperation I decided to use my womanly wiles to persuade him to take us up to our agreed destination. So I start off by asking him what his name is (Daniels something or other), and ask him as sweetly as I can to please take us all the way and not leave us stranded in the middle of no where. After some back and forth, with the other passengers chipping in, he grudgingly relents, claiming that if I wasn't so young and beautiful he would not have agreed. I sit back, well satisfied with my efforts. Daniels however, not one to waste opportunity, immediately launches into some spiel about what a big favour he is doing me and how he will have to produce a signed statement to his wife concerning his whereabouts and why he is getting home so late, and how about I make it worth his while and give him my number.

I smile at him in the dark and go: "But you are married - what use will my phone number be?"

"Eh, don't worry - I know how to handle these things..."

"Well how do you know I am not married myself?"

"Oh, if you are married, that is even better! I like married women."

I shake my head: " No, I'm sorry, I never have anything to do with married men"

"Eee?" he complains, "you also reconsider" as he reaches across the seat separating us and pinches (!) my thigh!!

"Hey! Don't do that!" I exclaim..

He smiles to himself and withdraws his hand and drapes his arm across the seat next to me..

"So," he goes on "are you really married? I was thinking that I could take you all the way to your door step if you like"

I squeeze into my seat and move nearer the door, and reply as frostily as I can manage: "Thank you but no thanks - I already asked some one to pick me up from the bus stop" I lie.

"Who? Your husband?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact"

"Eeeh, why disturb him now?? You can even give him my number and ask him to call me - I think I can take him on."

I look over at the man and wonder what the hell he is going on about. "No, that won't be necessary - he doesn't mind picking me up" I continue trying to squeeze up against the door, and when he sees me doing this he reaches across me and says "hey - careful - the door is not locked!"; he locks the door and taps thigh nearest the door as he brings his hand back to the wheel.

"Stop that!" I snarl. He throws his head back and laughs: "Come on, we're just having a bit of harmless fun"

I snatch my bag off the seat between us and lay it across my lap, and proceed to sit there fuming. Honestly. These guys think that a little flirting gives them the license to basically molest you! I wonder if I should just get out of the Matatu but the road looks quite deserted, and I can't be sure that I will get another Matatu at this time of night. The other passengers chatter on, no clue what is going on. I turn around and engage the other passengers in some banal chatter, and ignore Daniels though he keeps trying to interrupt our conversation. He even turns up the music and dedicates some song that's playing (and that I have never heard) to me.

Eventually, we reach our destination. Quick as lightening, before I can open the door Daniels reaches across me to unlock the door and I immediately press into my seat and hope he does not try anything else. Sure enough though, as one hand unlocks the door the other hand snakes towards my crotch (!) and when I push it away roughly he growls in my ear "come on, at least let me just touch your hootchie, you've already refused to give me your number!"

I practically fall out of that Matatu as I shout: "I TOLD YOU TO STOP THAT!!"

The nerve!!

Anyway, I have to say that I met ONE nice driver once, and was so impressed with his gentlemanly behaviour that I have never forgotten it. In fact, I had decided to give Matatu Drivers the benefit of the doubt since then, but Daniels had to go and spoil it for them again! But about this other driver. I was on this Matatu headed out of town, in my usual spot by the driver, and was totally surprised by the courtesy with which he treated me. The main reason I was so impressed by this other driver was that even though he had every opportunity to keep brushing his fingers against my thigh as he moved the gear shift, he was veeery careful not to. Other drivers get their thrills by spreading their fingers out and moving the shift in such a way that that can feel you up... I am always totally baffled by that - I mean what can they possibly benefit from that?? These kinds of drivers will also usually slump in their seats and spread their legs so that their arm and thigh are in full contact with yours - this driver was different though - I could tell he was making a special effort to sit upright and keep himself to himself. I only ever see this kind of behaviour during the month of Ramathan - in that month these guys will even return your money in case you over pay them!! The first time it happened to me my eyes almost popped out of my skull!!

Anyway, this one driver not withstanding, I think of all the rest of them as annoying, thieving perverts; unless of course they give me cause (on a case-by-case- basis) to think otherwise.

Facebook took me over!

I used to come here very often to blog (read vent, reflect, etc.), but since I discovered Facebook I have a much quicker way to express myself - in that one sentence status report! Nevertheless, the last few days I have suddenly felt that I needed to take up blogging again.

It is impossible to compress one year of absence, so I will just take up with the most recent developments.

So. This morning I wake up from a dream. (Yes - as recently as this morning :-)) There is this guy that I think is totally hot and I think is kind of into me - 'kind of' being the operative phrase, seeing as he makes no effort to pursue me beyond sending me flirty messages on Facebook and texting me now and then. Anyway: had a really nice dream where he came to visit with me in my childhood home, and we took a walk hand in hand, which progressed to arms around waists, and finally to being engulfed by his arm around my shouder. As we were getting to the end of the walk he pulled me down to sit on the grass (I guess it was already dark since the grass had dew on it), and just as we were getting cozy, my stupid alarm woke me up! :-S

I have not had such a nice dream in ages and ages.. I attribute it to watching that movie 'wall e' last night - a robot love story that was so sweet!

That's all. Thought I would share. :-)