Belgium comes to an end

So... This afternoon I give my final presentation, and the course is over.. The immediate feeling that I have about the last two months is that for once - considering that I tend to really adapt to new places, I have lived in some sort of bubble here.. Even though I have interacted with people (classmates, the people I play volley with, etc.), looking back it is as though I did so in bubble nevertheless.. I have spent alot of time just being with myself - and even when I spoke to people it was in relation to me.. trying to get their views on stuff that related to me..

For instance, one thing that I have learnt is to give myself a break!! To go more easy on myself - all my life I have tended to be quite hard on myself but now I have come to realise that not everything is a matter or life and death - I need to relax my guard now and then.. For instance with this course I had to do this project but excuse me - I also had to travel and meet people and develop myself e-intellectually culturally, socially, etc... in the end I made a simple enough project, and the important thing is to know that I learnt what I learnt and after all, my future is not in audiovisual learning materials.. SO I decided not to stress over it!! Normally I would think this kind of attitude means I am lowering my standards or something - but really, I think it is all about balance..

Secondly, more than ever as well, I have become convinced that I want to do that PhD!! As a result I am looking SO forward to the conference on lifelong learning in Ireland because it will be such a networking opportunity!! Infact I am so driven, that I hope I can start in the next 6 months - I have prepared enough I think, and I am willing to put in the required work to accomplish it!!

In that connection, for the first time I begun to think about how this extended studying plans of mine will impact upon me starting a family - and why, or even if I want a family, and what sort of relationships I will have from now on - there tends to be a focus on the future it all means for me.. Alot of women in Europe have families later..

(continued)

So, as I was saying - women start familiesmuch later in life, and as for the risks related to having children later - those are manaegeable with the right care - and anyway, I have racial advantages.. What's more, I have recently read a book on numeracy, and discovered that we set too much by statistics without understandiing context and population - all in all, there are individual differences and advantages - such being in good health, have a positive attititude, good care, diet, etc. On that, all my worries have evaporated!!

On the subject of meeting a suitable mate, well, I have to say I am extremely optimistic about that - my experiences in Belgium have more than convinced me o fthe availability of suitable men, as well as of my own attractiveness - I don't remember receiving so much attention and admiration - albeit from a couple of undesrables but still... This optimism especially increased when I posted a profile on Match.com and got so many interesting matches sent to me just in the area around Leuven - good looking and interesting men (from reading their profiles anyway) - and so on and so forth.. This development also certainly helped me in letting Bram go - there are plenty more fish in the sea!!

One other thing that I believe gave me pause was the nature of human despair and unhapiness - people who are excluded or disapproved of, people who face personal struggles with low self esteem, addicition, childhood trauma terminal illness, loss, joblessness - some things that even seem too minute to affect anyone seriously - I guess I gained this insight through a number of books that I read during this time as well as the movies I watched.. On the other hand, I also appreciated the value of going right through your circumstance, there is always light at the end of the tunnel - facing your past or present squarely and honestly, and being brave enough to tell yourself the truth - more importantly, avoiding the habit of wishing things were different, or thinking other people have it so much better and 'why me', etc..

I'm sure I learnt alot of other things that will take time to filter through to my consciousness, but all in all, the two odd months away were very good for me. The final presentation itself went very well and the progam ended on a high note.. I look forward to further developing the skills that I gained in the program!

The nicest wedding ever!!

I have to say - even with the string of bad luck that I had most of yesterday, everything was forgotten once I arrived at the wedding coz what a NICE wedding!! (I will complain about the bad luck first since I had no one to complain to yesterday)

So, in my usual effiecient way, I worked out precisely how late I had to leave to get to the wedding venue by 14h00, and with my four train changes more or less committed to memory, I set off.. 5seconds after the door of the train closed (but before we actually set off) I realise I had brought the wedding clothes but forgotten the shoes!!! So I wonder if I can quickly grab my bag and press the emergency open-door button - as I hesitated, the train begun to pull out of the station so I had no choice but to wait for the next stop and get off there (this was 5minutes away) On getting off the train, I discovered that the train back to Leuven was 40minutes later!! So as I waited in this little deserted train station I realised that this ensured one thing: I wouldn't be back in time to get the shoes and back to catch the next once-hourly train to Holland, and so I would have to wait for the 2nd train after that - so in a stroke, I was two hours late!! STRESS!!! And then, when I finaly got onto THAT train, it decides to cope it half way through and I lose another half hour!! Basically at this point I just resigned myself to arriving three hours late - Dutch people are deeply disapproving of such antics - but I decide to just relax and enjoy the ride..

Arriving at the venue, no one in sight!! I am told the wedding party had moved to another location that the guys at this venue didn't know!! Luckily the invitation card contained the master of ceremonies' number so we rang him up and he came and picked me up in the bridal car!! A very nice honey coloured sports car!! (And it was precisely at this point that my luck completely changed!!) On arriving at the groom's parents' house where the cake cutting was being held, I go around saying hello to guests but half way through notice that the wrapper that I had used as an underskirt was unravelling!! (did I say my luck had changed?) - so I have to move off to the side (though still in view) and discretely hoist my skirt and re-fasten the wrapper (even tuck the end into the band of my panty as for good meassure - but everyone politely looked away)

ANYWAY

A few minutes after I arrived they changed venue again but this time they decided to boat there - what a scenic ride that was!! Through mash and past pretty cottages - eh??? TOOOO romantic!! And the group was also really nice - we talked, took pictures, basically!! On getting to the dinner venue I was glad to find that for once, there was no weird food with unindentifiable ingredients, just straight up meat, potatoes and vegetables - but oh-so tasty!!! (ok, with an irritating table member thrown in but neutralised by the constant flow of wine!! :-)) After dinner we went on to yet another venue for the 'afterparty', where the rest of the people had been invited! The main party was only about 20 people, and this swelled to about 50 at the afterparty where there were nuts and wine and beer and juices and soda and coffee.. and a performance by some red-indian looking types and salsa dancing by the couple and powerpoint slides of the groom growing up and some more nice company..

I'll say it again - a veeery nice wedding!! It was a pity I had to leave so early!! Anyway, I was struck by one thing - and ofcourse the couple pay for their own wedding so they are more in control of who they invite but really for these guys, a wedding is about close family and friends!! I mean the groom and bride were able to sit and chat with each guest, we could all walk up to them anytime and chat, hand over presents individually, and even in some cases have them open the present there and then (a Dutch habit)... When I had to leave, I went up to say goodbye to the couple but the groom tried to persuade me to stay saying he had an option on a hotel room and I could use it if I wanted!! And I mean I can't say I know this guy much but his wife and I were classmates and I was one of only four or five people from her side (the rest being in back Kuwait) so I guess he was being extra solicitous to her guests - my point is - he could afford to do so!!

Ah well, I'd promised Zhanara I would spend the night at her place and we also had a looong open talk - that was very nice!! (She gave me perfume as a present - isn't she the greatest??) This morning I accompanied my hosts and their two children to an indoor climbing place, had another nice talk with the wife - about the complications of combining work and family and in her case, she had to do her medical studies, Phd, specialisation and super specialisation so that she was only ready to start a family at age 37!! In the meantime her great love got away due to some problems with distance... Actually that was a story straight out of a movie!! Two years after they decided the distance was too great (Germany and Holland - imagine) - the guy contacted her and asked if she wanted to reconsider - and at this time she was willing and so sent him a postcard saying sure, let them try again but it was intercepted by an Italian woman in his building who was also interested in him.. So my host waited and waited, sent more letters, nothing!! Finally she contacted the guy's mother to see what was happening only to be told that he had been badly heartbroken not to hear from her and had gone on to get into a relationship with this Italian woman - who was by now pregnant!!! And that was that!! Can you imagine a sadder story?? Anyway, that was nice talking to her and recieving some perspective from someone who's been there and done that!!

I got back onto the train and during the three hour journey even managed to nail the concept for the poster presentation that I will make in Ireland in about a week's time... It had been eluding me for a while so I arrived back in Leuven feeling very accomplished - I had had a nice break but had also made an unexpected breakthrough - thanks mainly to my determination to do some work on the train back - I was very tempted to just read the very interesting book I am currently reading but valiantly resisted - making me feel even prouder!!!

Tonight I have a phone date so I guess that is also adding to my general happiness, though on that front I still feel that there is little hope - but I think the whole quarrel brought us closer somehow - we are much better and more real friends (as in real with one another) - so whatever tonight brings I feel we are getting closer to a mutually agreeable decision.. This is also tempered by my new found hope for many other relationship opportunities - early last week I got spammed by match.com, and just for fun decided to post a profile - and man the matches that I got, just here in Belgium - it was incredible!! The profiles read sooo well, some of these guys really look like they could be fun.. Ok, people write all sorts of things on the internet, but since I met one happily married woman who met her spouse online, I have become much more open (granted she said she had to wade through a lot of weeds on her way there!!) - for that matter that's one more thing that we tend to have a negative perception of, but that is a very common, accepted and successful practice in the west..

Falling off the wagon - ouch!!

What can I say? I lasted a mere a week!! Tsk...

Classic. After a few shots of Amarula, there he appeared online - before I knew what I was doing I was putting a PC to PC call through to him!! Ok, to be honest I had been slipping off the wagon all day, remembering how he ran to hug me the last time I went to pick him from the train station, etc., knowing him to be such a spontaneous guy that he wouldn't stage that, and wondering why we are walking away really??

Anyway, he said it was difficult for him to walk away also and wondered what he was doing.. Aren't we a pair?? We have a date this weekend (phone), I'm thinking lets break up after I leave Europe!! :-) - if we have to break up at all.. I feel so embarrased (although I know I have no cause to be) - I am so totally human after all!! Ofcourse I am setting myself up for severe pain later on - judging from what I have been through this week I must be mad!! It's all this conflict you see - I really feel that we are breaking up for nothing - I have broken up for nothing with one other person before and I have regretted it since..

Ah, let me get back to work..

RAW..

I had a really nice sleep last night, and woke up feeling really refreshed (even woke up early and without an alarm!!) - forced myself to eat breakfast - I read somewhere that people who are generally healthier than most never miss breakfast... And they eat plenty of fish - do you know that I eat fish maybe twice or thrice a year?? Shocking!!

But this is all besides the point - inspite of waking up feeling so well, it wasn't long before the fog descended again - is this how break-ups go? I think I had forgotten just how bad it can be.. How do people get through much bigger losses?? I guess one does.. one has to, somehow!! I keep telling myself that I have been here before and I have since forgotten all about these guys - or anyway, they don't seem like 'the ones' anymore, and I tell myself it will get better everyday, but all the same I feel soo raw!! Close to the edge of falling or breaking or dissolving - all the time.. And then I tell myself to just put it all out of my head and try to do some work - for that matter what BAD timing?? I have just over a week to deliver my final project, and here I am!!!

Ah well, its nice to vent a little. Back to work again!!

Taking small steps - in the right direction?

So, day - uhm, five? Counting from last Wednesday - today I found an e-mail from him and it was really hard on me - we had said we shouldn't end on the angry e-mails that we exchanged the day we broke up, so he sent one last one asking how stockholm was, regretting that he cannot match commitment and consequences to the way he feels about me, and blah, blah, stuff about how good we are together (WHY does he do that?? ), repeated his invitation to visit his parents etc. Anyway, it was SUUUCH an effort to write back and tell him I won't go to his parents (what's the point right?), and to tell him thanks for fulfilling my request for a last 'nice' email (sad as it made me feel) and that ok, that was done..

I thought to add that he should just not contact me again (in his email he said he just couldn't write a 'last e-mail' to me) but I feel as though - 'what is all that drama for?' Truth be told, I am not strong enough to take such a giant step anyway, so I decided to take the small one of thanking him for his e-mail and not leaving any unfinished business for us to contact one another again - and anyway we agreed that he could look me up if ever he comes to East Africa (he hopes to do his internship in Tz in two years' time but that is ages away).. and that for my part I would look him up if I was in Europe again - but only if I was sure enough time had passed or if I was with someone else.. Truly this whole business has also taught me to be abit easier on myself - to be a little more flexible - for instance I am not usually in favour of staying friends with one's exes, but in this case I am leaving it as a remote future posibility - it makes it a little easier to cope with the present.. And possibly save me from psychosomatic pains in my legs :-)

So, Ruth's wedding - a really, really, nice weekend - even made up for the horrid travel experience of my return to Leuven - waiting hours in empty cold airports for a connecting train and then having that break down and making detours and eh?? But finally I got home, slept and now feel quite refreshed.. But ok, the wedding - I danced, ate, talked with the girls, and generally took a break - although actually I also managed to do some work as well - decided to make the best of those hours sitting around in the airport and train stations.. The highlight of the weekend was meeting this crazy child psychiatrist proffesor at the wedding - what a character!! Ruth really nailed that one on the head!! She sat us next to one another because she thought we would really get on and did we ever? He gave me his e-mail address so he could put me in touch with his son who is a researcher in the field of education as well (the boy is 26 so don't get any ideas!!).

Right, back to work.. but before that, I just realised one thing - the moment before one makes a difficult decision like the type I made as I answered that e-mail today, it looks soooo difficult - maybe because one is stretching beyond into a place they have never been, but right after this latest small step, I feel as though it is still well with me.. and it will be well with me. In a way I have no other choice, or maybe more accurately, this is the choice that I am making..

Day ONE

So, here I am.. Had a really rough day yesterday - we sent e-mail back and forth, as I said - some really angry e-mail at one point - but all in all, we made peace again and asked forgiveness and accepted our limitations and had a loooong skype phonecall and looked at ALL options and in short, he knows that he could ofcourse say yeah, lets date but he also knows this would be BIG STUFF - as he put it, and to be fair, there is no need for him to make such big decisions at this point in his life - serves me right for dating a younger man!!! I'm glad though that we parted on a such a good note.. my problem has always been closure, in this case, I got a semblaince of it!!

So half the night, I had this seering pain in my leg that Kesh always says means I am unable to move forward - I had to really keep telling myself 'Connie - you have to MOVE on!!', so the pain would go away but it kept me up for a while all the same - meaning that I didn't have much sleep... This morning I have been busy all morning so I feel fine - the trouble begins when I get back to my room... I really have to make an effort to concentrate on work.. This weekend luckily I will go to Stockholm for Ruth's wedding so the weekend will be sorted (usually a difficult time as well) - although I wonder if a wedding is the best place to go after a breakup.. But who knows? People meet people at weddings.. Ruth met Andreas at a wedding herself!!

Speaking of the wedding, that was the reason we were skyping in the first place yesterday - I have had to use his credit card to book all my flights etc., and now I have to transfer the money back to him - however, due to a technicality with my bank card, I can't transfer money abroad, only within Belgium - his suggestion is that I keep the end of month appointment (made pre-breakup) and hand over the money then.. but I really hesistate to do that.. It certainly won't help me with moving on!! On the other hand I don't want to pay Western Union charges since I will be in NL during that period anyway, but I might have to do that.. (the lease on the studio expires and I will be homeless for two days - the plan is to move to NL where I have two other people that I can stay with before I proceed to the conference in Ireland)

So anyway, all in all, not a bad day so far.. I am making some breakthroughs with my project so hopefully the steam will carry me till the end of the month... I really feel fine - I wonder if I am still in shock or if the pain comes in waves or what?? Or is it the first day that is the biggest problem?? Let me hope so... fingers crossed, otherwise I'm in for some stiff will power exercises!! Ah well, on to Stockholm!!!

I played... and I lost

So, things finally came to a head this morning.. Through some e-mail that has been going back and forth, and him apologising again for not doing what he said he was going to do coz he was caught up with blah, blah, I was forced to face what I have known all along - we are just at different places in life.. Having my expectations dashed again and again and promises broken or postponed is just no fun (how classic is that???) He is a great guy, but I have to let him go - with all the love we feel, we have to be practical - we are just at different places.. Otherwise this relationship was really taking its toll on me - high one moment, low the next, sooo draining!!

I have had to listen to my own advice - these things take commitment from both people, not one being serious and the other being wishy-washy. I just have nothing much more to comment on the whole thing - I just have needs he cannot meet now - I wonder if this proves that age really does make a difference.. With him in Med school it seems to us as though he is more at a different place... Although I will soon be back to school as well so.. AH well.. I am determined not to dwell any longer on this - just let time do its job.

I have been able to exercise alot of relationship muscles though - I have never been so communicative, nor forced myself to look so deep inside me and speak from my heart .. Even though it did not work out, I think I will be much more successful in communicating in future.. And in laying myself bare - it is really scary and may even cause pain sometimes, but it also releases you to really live..

:-) I went through ALL my phonebooks and addressbooks and deleted his addresses and numbers, blocked him from my chat, and deleted all the e-mail we have ever sent each other - I even went into my yahoo and deleted e-mail from 2004!! (dramatic huh?) It's as if I want to completely close that chapter.. Ofcourse if I am honest I hope in some small part of my heart that he will decide we belong together after all but ofcourse I quash that thought immediately!! Ireally have to move on with my life.. I did ask him to look me up if he ever comes to East Africa though - but not to make it too soon - maybe I shouldn't have done that - but what the heck?? I am not perfect - another thing I have had to accept - hehehe

Deeeeep Siiiigh.. I just want for this program to be over and for me to get back home... At the very least I should congratulate myself for not settling for less than what I want.. And also had some really nice moments - Having someone play me the guitar in the moonlight, picking me wild flowers, jamming the lift and making out, and this is just in one day - ahhh.. I better not go there

Time to get back in the game again!! (brave smile)

Too strong or too weak?

Yesterday I spent the day in Maastricht to see off a dear friend of mine, he has finished his Phd thesis and will be going back to Italy on Tuesday.. It was a really nice day, and I remembered the time I said bye to him when he finished his Masters - I really thought I would never see him again so I attempted to say 'Ok., so I guess this is it - have a good life' or something to that effect.. I fancied him a little that time and I realise now that I was trying to be the first to say - 'it's over' - WHY do I do that?? Always unprovokedly too!!! I reminded him bout it yesterday and he said that by facing the fact that I may never se a person again, it shows I am quite strong.. He on the other hand always hopes he will see the person again - no wonder back then he shooed away my goodbyes and said 'sure we'll see one another again, maybe I will come to Africa (very unlikely) or you will come to Europe' - well, he was perfectly right on that on - here I am back in Europe for another stay..

But that got me thinking - is it really strength that makes me do that or weakness?? I mean am I too weak to live with the uncertainities of life? Is that why I am always trying to tidy things up - and moreover be the first to do so - I know this is significant because I feel it gives me an upper hand, like I am the less emotional one, the more rational one, the one who sees clearly that this is it! I think actually it just shows my weakness, especially since I only do it people I fancy - I mean I didn't do it with the other people that I left in NL, just this guy.. It's as if I try to cut off the possibility of missing this person or living in the hope of seeing him again - I am such a basket case sometimes!!

Anyway, all that aside, I have been watching some spectacularly depressing films - suits my current mood really... Oh, ok, I know I am being a tad dramatic.. It just so happens all these 'arty' films are quite depressing, but that's what makes them so compelling - happy sunny lives don't make for a good script!! The books I am reading are not much different; they run along the theme of revealing the quiet desperation with which most people live.. The philosopher Henry Thoreau said that - infact his exact quote was Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them - I mean how depressing is that?? Although he also coined the one about listening to your own drummer - If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music in which he hears, however measured, or far away - I guess he liked music (and no need to get so impressed, I googled these quotes!!)

In anycase, hanging out with Marco did alot for my low spirits - I discussed my recent happenings, and since he is also Taurus I wanted to get his take on the whole matter.. He agreed that the whole situation was really complex but that I was probably doing the right thing, knowing me. One thing that he mentioned though, that gave me pause, was that he could understand the man's abhorrence for the phone and for e-mail - he said that perhaps it was growing up in a little town but he hated talking on the phone, and would certainly never consider having a long distance relationship that way, never! Ofcourse this was one of the main things that I faulted Bram for, I really took it to mean that he was just not willing to make the effort and therefore it had to do with me personally and maybe he didn't really like me as much as he said he did, etc. etc. But who knows, maybe there are really people like these.. He grew up in a small town as well so.. I think this throws new light on the whole thing.. Or am I grasping for straws?

I am just getting ready to bake some 'olliebollen' - these are traditional winter doughnuts around the Flanders that I liked so much the last time I was here - as the name suggests, they are literally 'oil balls', so I try to eat them in moderation but God are they tasty!! No matter how many I bake, I will not stop eating until the plate is empty, so now I limit the number that I bake..

Later I hope to do some work on my project for the training, wish me luck!!

A weird little man

I was standing in a train station somewhere today, having gotten onto the wrong train and having had to get off again and discovering I would have to wait a whole hour, so cursing to high heaven when this little Belgian man came up to me and started garbling away in French - so I told him I didn't speak French, and then he withdrew for a few seconds and came back to say - ' I think you are very attractive' very shyly.. I normally snarl at strange men who tell me such things at 11pm in strange train stations but I couldn't help smiling at this guy - he hastened to add that he was just saying it, not, not to - not er, (ok, his English was really bad) - but I understood that he was not saying it to be fresh, so I said 'thank you' and gave him a wide smile, I was really charmed - he looked like he had been drinking a little, and he went on to repeat several times 'you are very attractive', until he declared, more loudly - 'you are SUPER - SUPERWOMAN!! :-) Really, I was terribly charmed, so I conitnued to smile at him and thank him but our conversation couldn't go very far beyond that - he just stood close to me and kept offering his hand for a handshake every now and then, asking me what I thought of Belgians, and saying everyone always says he is too nice, and saying he hated how Belgians treated Africans in Africa, and he didn't accept it at all, well, what I gathered anyway from his half French half Dutch half English.. Finally when my train pulled in he shook my hand again, I told him I thought he was very nice and I also hated what the Belgians had done but that I didn't hold it against ALL Belgians, and I would certainly remember him after I was back home - so he shook my hand, and pulled me very gently down to plant a kiss on my cheek - So sweet!! Patrick is his name.. Oh, at one point he said that he was drunk, ok, a little, but he really meant what he said.. :-)

Banange!!

Do I make like harder than it is or is it actually this hard? The budhists say that the root of all suffering is desire - but how can we live without desire? The best we can do is manage our emotional response to not getting what we want.. Or organising the resources to continue hoping and wait patiently for what we need - all the same my faith has been severely tested in the last few days...

This is how it is: I met a guy in late 2003, got to know him over a period of 3months, upon which he moved to another country.. We have kept in touch since then, having really long and deep conversations on phone (five or so a year), and occasionally e-mailing.. I think we kept in touch so long partly because our spiritual growth mirrored so exactly - it was always like - 'oh, you too? Wow.. I feel the exact same way' or 'I know exactly what you mean' and so on and so forth.. A friend of mine once told me he'd read somewhere that first men and women connect on an intellectual level, then emotional, and the physical is sure to follow..

Last September we met in London and had a really wonderful two days together - exploring London, getting back in touch with each other, confirming our similar view on the world, and putting on outrageous shows of public affection!! :-) The memory always makes me smile.. At the end of those two days we wondered what was next, but I knew in my heart that he was not really ready to be in a comitted relationship - he was still trying to finish his medical degree (and at the time his Phd as well though he has since abandoned it) - all the same what we had was just too special so I allowed myself to dream a little.. Although to be honest at the time I also didn't feel ready to be in any kind of committed relationship; certainly I felt that I knew him very well but after all we still had never had a real chance to get to know each other under normal circumstances (some would argue this is not really essential, sometimes you just know.. )

At any rate, last month we met twice, once in his town and once in mine - the old magic is still very alive, we had a fabulous time both times, and felt really comfortable around one another.. Proof of this was that I was able to cook him two dinners that didn't burn, or taste weird or anything - in fact, it was some of the tastiest food I've cooked. Basically, if I am anxious, trying to cook always ends in disaster!! Both weekends went really smoothly, we agreed easily on stuff, and even had time to have 'A TALK'!!!

Hmmm, the talk.. I have to credit him highly for his ability to stick it out - he felt like fleeing several times, but chose to stay and listen throughout.. My main concerns were that I didn't feel that all his declarations of deep feeling and connection translated to action - he was not in touch much when we were apart (even though he was very affectionate and sharing when we were together), and he didn't seem too optimistic about possibilities for the future. I was concerned about the fact that he often voiced a wish that I was nearer, and yet didn't show any signs that he would put in the effort required to give us a chance to get to know one another better even if I was nearer - I mean I have been in the neighbouring country for a month and in that period he called me maybe twice.. How sure was I that if I was nearer he would make this effort? Obviously I appreciated the difficulty of him changing locations anytime soon, but still..

All in all, there needed to be some sort of decision to give it a try from him too if I was going to make any changes to my life.. Other couples in long distance relationships, as far as I can tell, survive by being constantly in touch - something that he feels he is unable to do - apparently he thinks telephone and e-mail are such poor substitutes for physical presence that he can't see them getting him very far - so he just doesn't bother.. Well, this is too bad because at this point in my life, I need to be with someone with whom I can share my life, in whatever form - phone calls and e-mail work perfectly well for me - after all, how had we gotten to know one another up to that point? Anyway, in essence he told me he had unconsciously shut the door after London, coz he just saw no future.. This came as a real suprise I have to say, coz my door has been wide open since London - maybe I am not as pragmatic as I have always fancied myself to be..

The short of it is - I told him he left me no option but to close the door too, and that henceforth we would each go our separate ways.. His Mom had invited me to visit with them and I had to cancel that too, which took him by surprise.. He thought our separate ways meant we could go back to our 4 or 5 phonecalls a year, and meeting up if we were in one another's neighbourhood, and generally keeping up with one another's news... And so while I was in Belgium there was no need for us not to meet up again.. This surprised me back.. I had to explain to him that we had gone too far to go back now, atleast not without the passage of great amounts of time - in particular I didn't want to know when he was dating someone else (the kind of info we would normally exchange) because now I was not such a neutral listener..

Basically, this week he contacted me again and asked me (as I understood it) to reconsider - i.e. not to push him completely out of my life, although he understood that I had to move on with my life - well, I don't know - I just can't hack this 'let's remain friends' stuff, and frankly I think it is a bit selfish of him to ask it of me after I have explained my position. I have to make choices, just as he does, and if he cannot embrace us with all the uncertainities and risks that go with that, I cannot do much - all I know is that I cannot have him half-in, half-out of my life - this would be exposing myself to more pain, and I should know believe me!!

I have thought about the fact that I would be loosing a good friend (of which I have precious few), but I can always pick up that friendship after I have recovered from this friendship.. That would require a year atleast, maybe more.. And then by then who knows, maybe neither of us would be interested anymore.. Siiiigh.. The whole business has really taken its toll.. But I know I am doing the right thing - if someone really wants to be with you, they will do what is necessary, I know I would - but he apparently has given up without a fight.. What am I to do? I have to accept the outcome.. So much for his adventurous spirit..

Do I sound bitter? Well, I am a little.. But I have to keep my faith and hope up - God has never let me down yet - he always works things out much better than I could expect.. So I will stay optimistic - life is full of suprises.. I just hope I have made the right decision..