So, day - uhm, five? Counting from last Wednesday - today I found an e-mail from him and it was really hard on me - we had said we shouldn't end on the angry e-mails that we exchanged the day we broke up, so he sent one last one asking how stockholm was, regretting that he cannot match commitment and consequences to the way he feels about me, and blah, blah, stuff about how good we are together (WHY does he do that?? ), repeated his invitation to visit his parents etc. Anyway, it was SUUUCH an effort to write back and tell him I won't go to his parents (what's the point right?), and to tell him thanks for fulfilling my request for a last 'nice' email (sad as it made me feel) and that ok, that was done..
I thought to add that he should just not contact me again (in his email he said he just couldn't write a 'last e-mail' to me) but I feel as though - 'what is all that drama for?' Truth be told, I am not strong enough to take such a giant step anyway, so I decided to take the small one of thanking him for his e-mail and not leaving any unfinished business for us to contact one another again - and anyway we agreed that he could look me up if ever he comes to East Africa (he hopes to do his internship in Tz in two years' time but that is ages away).. and that for my part I would look him up if I was in Europe again - but only if I was sure enough time had passed or if I was with someone else.. Truly this whole business has also taught me to be abit easier on myself - to be a little more flexible - for instance I am not usually in favour of staying friends with one's exes, but in this case I am leaving it as a remote future posibility - it makes it a little easier to cope with the present.. And possibly save me from psychosomatic pains in my legs :-)
So, Ruth's wedding - a really, really, nice weekend - even made up for the horrid travel experience of my return to Leuven - waiting hours in empty cold airports for a connecting train and then having that break down and making detours and eh?? But finally I got home, slept and now feel quite refreshed.. But ok, the wedding - I danced, ate, talked with the girls, and generally took a break - although actually I also managed to do some work as well - decided to make the best of those hours sitting around in the airport and train stations.. The highlight of the weekend was meeting this crazy child psychiatrist proffesor at the wedding - what a character!! Ruth really nailed that one on the head!! She sat us next to one another because she thought we would really get on and did we ever? He gave me his e-mail address so he could put me in touch with his son who is a researcher in the field of education as well (the boy is 26 so don't get any ideas!!).
Right, back to work.. but before that, I just realised one thing - the moment before one makes a difficult decision like the type I made as I answered that e-mail today, it looks soooo difficult - maybe because one is stretching beyond into a place they have never been, but right after this latest small step, I feel as though it is still well with me.. and it will be well with me. In a way I have no other choice, or maybe more accurately, this is the choice that I am making..
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u r becoming my radio Katwe.... My Camilla.... My Days of our lives and my the young and restless... i need to log on every so often to catch an update or two!!!!! One step at a time.... easier to manage. the decision thingie.... yeah.. i relate with that esoecially when you have heaps of work and nothing seems to be moving!!!!! When you sit and focus on an area, you can atleast look back and say yeah i got that doen. in the same what once you have decided to bite the bullet and resign or chuck someone..... well time is indeed a great healer... so as you walk through the sands of time (hee heee was that not straight off days of our lives?)u'll look back and look for the pain and ache and u will feel .........Nothing!!!! much to ur amazement. but then again maybe not see this prophetess has said!!!! u will feel nothing so expect to feel nothing.
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