So, things finally came to a head this morning.. Through some e-mail that has been going back and forth, and him apologising again for not doing what he said he was going to do coz he was caught up with blah, blah, I was forced to face what I have known all along - we are just at different places in life.. Having my expectations dashed again and again and promises broken or postponed is just no fun (how classic is that???) He is a great guy, but I have to let him go - with all the love we feel, we have to be practical - we are just at different places.. Otherwise this relationship was really taking its toll on me - high one moment, low the next, sooo draining!!
I have had to listen to my own advice - these things take commitment from both people, not one being serious and the other being wishy-washy. I just have nothing much more to comment on the whole thing - I just have needs he cannot meet now - I wonder if this proves that age really does make a difference.. With him in Med school it seems to us as though he is more at a different place... Although I will soon be back to school as well so.. AH well.. I am determined not to dwell any longer on this - just let time do its job.
I have been able to exercise alot of relationship muscles though - I have never been so communicative, nor forced myself to look so deep inside me and speak from my heart .. Even though it did not work out, I think I will be much more successful in communicating in future.. And in laying myself bare - it is really scary and may even cause pain sometimes, but it also releases you to really live..
:-) I went through ALL my phonebooks and addressbooks and deleted his addresses and numbers, blocked him from my chat, and deleted all the e-mail we have ever sent each other - I even went into my yahoo and deleted e-mail from 2004!! (dramatic huh?) It's as if I want to completely close that chapter.. Ofcourse if I am honest I hope in some small part of my heart that he will decide we belong together after all but ofcourse I quash that thought immediately!! Ireally have to move on with my life.. I did ask him to look me up if he ever comes to East Africa though - but not to make it too soon - maybe I shouldn't have done that - but what the heck?? I am not perfect - another thing I have had to accept - hehehe
Deeeeep Siiiigh.. I just want for this program to be over and for me to get back home... At the very least I should congratulate myself for not settling for less than what I want.. And also had some really nice moments - Having someone play me the guitar in the moonlight, picking me wild flowers, jamming the lift and making out, and this is just in one day - ahhh.. I better not go there
Time to get back in the game again!! (brave smile)
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