Banange!!

Do I make like harder than it is or is it actually this hard? The budhists say that the root of all suffering is desire - but how can we live without desire? The best we can do is manage our emotional response to not getting what we want.. Or organising the resources to continue hoping and wait patiently for what we need - all the same my faith has been severely tested in the last few days...

This is how it is: I met a guy in late 2003, got to know him over a period of 3months, upon which he moved to another country.. We have kept in touch since then, having really long and deep conversations on phone (five or so a year), and occasionally e-mailing.. I think we kept in touch so long partly because our spiritual growth mirrored so exactly - it was always like - 'oh, you too? Wow.. I feel the exact same way' or 'I know exactly what you mean' and so on and so forth.. A friend of mine once told me he'd read somewhere that first men and women connect on an intellectual level, then emotional, and the physical is sure to follow..

Last September we met in London and had a really wonderful two days together - exploring London, getting back in touch with each other, confirming our similar view on the world, and putting on outrageous shows of public affection!! :-) The memory always makes me smile.. At the end of those two days we wondered what was next, but I knew in my heart that he was not really ready to be in a comitted relationship - he was still trying to finish his medical degree (and at the time his Phd as well though he has since abandoned it) - all the same what we had was just too special so I allowed myself to dream a little.. Although to be honest at the time I also didn't feel ready to be in any kind of committed relationship; certainly I felt that I knew him very well but after all we still had never had a real chance to get to know each other under normal circumstances (some would argue this is not really essential, sometimes you just know.. )

At any rate, last month we met twice, once in his town and once in mine - the old magic is still very alive, we had a fabulous time both times, and felt really comfortable around one another.. Proof of this was that I was able to cook him two dinners that didn't burn, or taste weird or anything - in fact, it was some of the tastiest food I've cooked. Basically, if I am anxious, trying to cook always ends in disaster!! Both weekends went really smoothly, we agreed easily on stuff, and even had time to have 'A TALK'!!!

Hmmm, the talk.. I have to credit him highly for his ability to stick it out - he felt like fleeing several times, but chose to stay and listen throughout.. My main concerns were that I didn't feel that all his declarations of deep feeling and connection translated to action - he was not in touch much when we were apart (even though he was very affectionate and sharing when we were together), and he didn't seem too optimistic about possibilities for the future. I was concerned about the fact that he often voiced a wish that I was nearer, and yet didn't show any signs that he would put in the effort required to give us a chance to get to know one another better even if I was nearer - I mean I have been in the neighbouring country for a month and in that period he called me maybe twice.. How sure was I that if I was nearer he would make this effort? Obviously I appreciated the difficulty of him changing locations anytime soon, but still..

All in all, there needed to be some sort of decision to give it a try from him too if I was going to make any changes to my life.. Other couples in long distance relationships, as far as I can tell, survive by being constantly in touch - something that he feels he is unable to do - apparently he thinks telephone and e-mail are such poor substitutes for physical presence that he can't see them getting him very far - so he just doesn't bother.. Well, this is too bad because at this point in my life, I need to be with someone with whom I can share my life, in whatever form - phone calls and e-mail work perfectly well for me - after all, how had we gotten to know one another up to that point? Anyway, in essence he told me he had unconsciously shut the door after London, coz he just saw no future.. This came as a real suprise I have to say, coz my door has been wide open since London - maybe I am not as pragmatic as I have always fancied myself to be..

The short of it is - I told him he left me no option but to close the door too, and that henceforth we would each go our separate ways.. His Mom had invited me to visit with them and I had to cancel that too, which took him by surprise.. He thought our separate ways meant we could go back to our 4 or 5 phonecalls a year, and meeting up if we were in one another's neighbourhood, and generally keeping up with one another's news... And so while I was in Belgium there was no need for us not to meet up again.. This surprised me back.. I had to explain to him that we had gone too far to go back now, atleast not without the passage of great amounts of time - in particular I didn't want to know when he was dating someone else (the kind of info we would normally exchange) because now I was not such a neutral listener..

Basically, this week he contacted me again and asked me (as I understood it) to reconsider - i.e. not to push him completely out of my life, although he understood that I had to move on with my life - well, I don't know - I just can't hack this 'let's remain friends' stuff, and frankly I think it is a bit selfish of him to ask it of me after I have explained my position. I have to make choices, just as he does, and if he cannot embrace us with all the uncertainities and risks that go with that, I cannot do much - all I know is that I cannot have him half-in, half-out of my life - this would be exposing myself to more pain, and I should know believe me!!

I have thought about the fact that I would be loosing a good friend (of which I have precious few), but I can always pick up that friendship after I have recovered from this friendship.. That would require a year atleast, maybe more.. And then by then who knows, maybe neither of us would be interested anymore.. Siiiigh.. The whole business has really taken its toll.. But I know I am doing the right thing - if someone really wants to be with you, they will do what is necessary, I know I would - but he apparently has given up without a fight.. What am I to do? I have to accept the outcome.. So much for his adventurous spirit..

Do I sound bitter? Well, I am a little.. But I have to keep my faith and hope up - God has never let me down yet - he always works things out much better than I could expect.. So I will stay optimistic - life is full of suprises.. I just hope I have made the right decision..