Yesterday I spent the day in Maastricht to see off a dear friend of mine, he has finished his Phd thesis and will be going back to Italy on Tuesday.. It was a really nice day, and I remembered the time I said bye to him when he finished his Masters - I really thought I would never see him again so I attempted to say 'Ok., so I guess this is it - have a good life' or something to that effect.. I fancied him a little that time and I realise now that I was trying to be the first to say - 'it's over' - WHY do I do that?? Always unprovokedly too!!! I reminded him bout it yesterday and he said that by facing the fact that I may never se a person again, it shows I am quite strong.. He on the other hand always hopes he will see the person again - no wonder back then he shooed away my goodbyes and said 'sure we'll see one another again, maybe I will come to Africa (very unlikely) or you will come to Europe' - well, he was perfectly right on that on - here I am back in Europe for another stay..
But that got me thinking - is it really strength that makes me do that or weakness?? I mean am I too weak to live with the uncertainities of life? Is that why I am always trying to tidy things up - and moreover be the first to do so - I know this is significant because I feel it gives me an upper hand, like I am the less emotional one, the more rational one, the one who sees clearly that this is it! I think actually it just shows my weakness, especially since I only do it people I fancy - I mean I didn't do it with the other people that I left in NL, just this guy.. It's as if I try to cut off the possibility of missing this person or living in the hope of seeing him again - I am such a basket case sometimes!!
Anyway, all that aside, I have been watching some spectacularly depressing films - suits my current mood really... Oh, ok, I know I am being a tad dramatic.. It just so happens all these 'arty' films are quite depressing, but that's what makes them so compelling - happy sunny lives don't make for a good script!! The books I am reading are not much different; they run along the theme of revealing the quiet desperation with which most people live.. The philosopher Henry Thoreau said that - infact his exact quote was Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them - I mean how depressing is that?? Although he also coined the one about listening to your own drummer - If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music in which he hears, however measured, or far away - I guess he liked music (and no need to get so impressed, I googled these quotes!!)
In anycase, hanging out with Marco did alot for my low spirits - I discussed my recent happenings, and since he is also Taurus I wanted to get his take on the whole matter.. He agreed that the whole situation was really complex but that I was probably doing the right thing, knowing me. One thing that he mentioned though, that gave me pause, was that he could understand the man's abhorrence for the phone and for e-mail - he said that perhaps it was growing up in a little town but he hated talking on the phone, and would certainly never consider having a long distance relationship that way, never! Ofcourse this was one of the main things that I faulted Bram for, I really took it to mean that he was just not willing to make the effort and therefore it had to do with me personally and maybe he didn't really like me as much as he said he did, etc. etc. But who knows, maybe there are really people like these.. He grew up in a small town as well so.. I think this throws new light on the whole thing.. Or am I grasping for straws?
I am just getting ready to bake some 'olliebollen' - these are traditional winter doughnuts around the Flanders that I liked so much the last time I was here - as the name suggests, they are literally 'oil balls', so I try to eat them in moderation but God are they tasty!! No matter how many I bake, I will not stop eating until the plate is empty, so now I limit the number that I bake..
Later I hope to do some work on my project for the training, wish me luck!!
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2 comments:
So u and Marco (raising two eyebraws repeatedly!)
Anyways maybe u r not grasping at straws. you could try to read men are from Mars... it really is strange how we want people to think our way because that is the way we best understand but sadly that is not the case and when we want our way that is the start of stress because we are so unwilling to let our way go and embrass the other thought of life....(acculterate with the other thoughts :-))
Anyways no i don't thin u r clutching at straws... it is hard to let a good thing pass us by but again i do agree with you that a man needs to fight for you.. they are the hunters apparently and you and ihave seen guys who will go after the girl of their dreams with all they have (sadly often times these guys are dashing ufter unrequited emotions.... ) Whatever the case i hear you on shutting the door.. i do that alot via people, ideas, suggestions, good wishes towards me etc in the form of rebukes etc..!!! eh i really take advice that is not my way of doing things too personally!!!! And i have now lost my train of thought so...... i shall wait to see your next posts.
Ah ok i think i have found my thread again... i was saying that shutting the door is the way you do things and sometimes one wants to continue hanging with someone because they are so much fun but when they thin about it the future seems so bleak!! And so the best option is to stop wasting one anothers time... sadly many people realise this all too late... one of my ex flames was commenting that Eh.... Joshua is such a lucky man being married to me... this from someone who at the time i was all willing to lay down my life was just discovering himself and his life. he has since gotten a semblance of equilibrium so i guess now there is space in his life for others.... Sadly for him i had since moved on and could not be there... but i realise now that if i had stuck around i would have been terribly hurt because i think his developement of worth etc would have taken that much longer with me causeing disequilibrium... so like they say let the butterfly go it will return to u if it was meant to be....but don't sit at the window waiting to see it return because it may never return. O enough of the company time let me get back to work! what i mean to say in all this is ...i am not sure..... go with your heart. ur manufacturer would hoever be a better consultant
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