ANTSY

I wonder if the infestation of ants in my house is a metaphor for my life; I had a long conversation with a friend of mine last night and he commented that restlessness has been an enduring theme in my life for the last few years. According to him, every time we speak (which 3 or 4 times a year on average) I am spoiling for a change of scene. I think I have been able to curb this problem by organising to travel quite often, and when such an opportunity passed me by (Barcelona which was supposed to be next week) my old antsyness reared its head again.
But first a little about these ten(ants) of mine: I moved into this apartment over a year ago, and was immediately accosted by armies of ants getting into every thing! Nothing was spared!! Bread, butter, cooking oil, drinking water (!) name it.. If I left a glass of wine by my bedside overnight there they were all over it by morning. Once I left a dirty plate on the dining table and the ants were all over it within an hour!! It is as if there are eggs ready to hatch out the very air of my house at any moment. One long weekend the tap in my bathroom sprang a small leak and water collected around it – our water pipes are a little rusty so the water is brownish when you first turn it on. When I got back, the water had evaporated somewhat to leave a congealed rusty deposit, and there I found ants busy – drinking ? – the rust. (Maybe that is why they are also always in my drinking water). Since then, there is constant trail of them going up into the hot water tank and I frequently have to drown them with a quick spray from the shower head to rid my sink of them. When I first moved in, other people living on campus told me that I had moved in during the season of ants - but as the season(s) have come and gone, the ants have stubbornly stayed. The Irish girl who lived there before told me later that the ants were a constant feature of the apartment the entire time she lived there.
Recently, tired of eating hard cold bread from the fridge, I devised a new hiding place for my bread. I had noticed that anything that I left atop my one burner gas cooker was left undisturbed. Last week I decided to stuff the bread into a saucepan and leave the saucepan on top of the burner, and since then I have enjoyed fresh, soft ant-free bread! The other place that the Ants never ventured was in my wooden sugar bowl – until earlier this week! I have resorted to keeping the sugar in the fridge as well, and until I empty the sugar bowl, I have to drink juice or tea with dead ants floating in it! The most amazing thing about these ants is that putting them in the fridge does not kill them!! When I put the sugar out for a few minutes, they will revive and go about their business again!! They even get under my sweet wrappers, and these days I don’t bother to brush off the immobile (dead? over fed?) ants before I pop one into my mouth.
All this to wonder if the Ants are a metaphor for my life. The last few days I have taken some time off to be my self. Easter weekend saw a historic gathering of my siblings, brother-in-law, nephew, cousins and an Aunt at my parent’s country home, and although this was great fun, it was somewhat draining. Living all the way out here is one of the things I love about this place – when I need to withdraw and be completely alone, all I need to do is go to my house and shut the door; no threat of unexpected visitors or anything; perhaps that is one of the reasons that thinking of leaving this place (as much as I desire it) gives me a pain in my leg (signifying a reluctance to move forward). Going back to town will bring me into close proximity with relatives, friends, noise, etc.
Anyway, it all started with me re-watching ‘The Secret’; As usual, I was prompted to ask myself what I really wanted. In the past I have described this in terms of places and job titles, and so on, but this week I wondered if I ought not just outline general characteristics and let the universe deal with the specifics. For instance – I have been going on about Edinburgh 2008. But on closer inspection, what is it about this move that would fulfil my desires? I know it has to do with an unlimited supply to literature of all genres at every corner, and a host of people to discuss it with, not to mention the possibility of pursuing my writing; historical sites to visit; close proximity to mainland Europe so that I can hope on a plane and visit any place anytime; etc. Also, it would provide me an opportunity to do my PhD, which is something I have wanted to do since September 2006! ‘The Secret’ encourages one to focus on an end result and perhaps it is time that rather than specify places (which I have no guarantee of fulfilling my needs) and methods and whatnot, I should just list the things that I enjoy doing, ways that I enjoy being, goals I would like to achieve, and so on.
The result of the last few days of reflection as I have already mentioned has been an increase in general antsyness. Two nights ago, I had a pain in my leg the whole night as I struggled with facing and owning the future that I want, which as far as I could see then would only be possible if I left this place. Maybe in that matter as well I should just concentrate on a way of life that I desire, and attract it into my life, instead of concentrating on what has to happen for that way of life to come about. Who says I cannot achieve this life even if I stayed here? To be honest, I do like it here – I mean there are aspects of the job that don’t thrill me, but on the whole there is a lot to be said for staying. No wonder my insides rebel against leaving.
Ah well, I’ll go work on that wish list then.