SO, WHAT'S UP?

This evening, I took a mat and sat on my veranda and tried to face my current dis-ease. I feel all confused. Now this has become of great concern because although I have moments of respite, I have really been unable to shake this feeling for the last month or so – since just after Easter actually. It is said that all negative emotions – anger, confusion, depression, etc., are signs that one is out of alignment, and today I finally have to ask myself the question:

‘What’s up?’

The signs of this dis-ease: I catch myself frowning more often than smiling (although I have frowned since babyhood - so maybe that shouldn’t alarm me – or was I confused then too?); my face is breaking up more than usual, I have put on weight, the other day I had a bout of manic eating that left me holding my stomach in an anguish of painful indigestion, and then other days I’m off my food! Plus I am passing these great amounts of really foul gas!! Isn’t this proof that systems are broken? Although it could also be the half kilo of lamb that I ate earlier this week – at two sittings granted but still.

Today I sat at my desk failing to decide what to have for lunch, until I was so hungry I rushed home and begun to throw things into a bowl and mash them – in went that over ripe avocado that I had been wondering what to do with, then the idea came to me to make guacamole, so I cut up the onions and the tomatoes, balked at the garlic, threw in some left over sardines, grated some cheese into it, salt and pepper, tasted, didn’t taste right but couldn’t figure out why, I added some lemon, still not right but eh! - ate it anyway. Made some coffee with milk and ate two cookies. Then lay down and 20 minutes later began to roll around on my bed with a terrific stomach ache, and a nausea so powerful it had me holding my nose away from my clothes because they just made me want to throw up! Infact my whole house smelled – of onion peelings and stale cooking oil and other unidentifiable smells.. As I sit here, my prospects for dinner don’t look so great either – I made this vegetable juice yesterday with celery and parsley and carrots that is just plain nasty!! But it sounds so healthy that I am thinking maybe I will take it with some yogurt? Or lace it with gin. Or both! J Although, God knows I don’t think I should try to bury all this under alcohol – and anyway, alcohol always makes me feel even worse.

Something is not right. Obviously.

I know it all has to do with what I need to be doing to follow my dreams. Some beliefs say that everything is as it should be, and is already perfect (would that be the Buddhists?). Soon after I left Uni I learnt what I think was a valuable and enduring lesson – suffering is good for me – it paves the way for change. On the other hand, if I understand them correctly, the Buddhists say we cause our own suffering, and that suffering arises out of desire – but how to live without desire? I don’t remember if there is such a thing as ‘good desire’, I think all desire is supposed to be detrimental! Anyway - enough holding forth on my half knowledge of Buddhism – to more practical matters…

What do I really want?? What will make me happy? (How is that for practical?) The eternal quest for happiness seems to have me in a stranglehold! My Christian friends might say to me that I am floundering in this fashion as a direct result of having left the straight and narrow – ok, I’m willing to consider this, but let’s put that possibility to one side for the moment. A recurring thought in the past year or so is the fact that my job no longer satisfies me. And then, there are things I love to do, that I don’t do enough of (such as travel, immerse myself in new cultures, get answers to big questions, etc.) All this dissatisfaction is compounded by the fact that my only two friends have left the University and yet my general beliefs and culture have tended to isolate me; the only other person I could halfway talk to has a girlfriend who treats me with high suspicion.

How do you like the pity party so far?

The one shinning thing in my life at the moment is my reading!! That really does it for me.

A few posts back I signed off saying that I should go and figure out what I want – I am afraid I have not made any big strides in that direction, so I am forced to come to a point where I have decided that I should take up serious prayer again – the bible says that we do not know what we should pray about, but the Spirit itself intercedes on our behalf with groans that words cannot express. Maybe I should literally cry out to God, prostrate myself before him, roll on the floor if necessary – maybe sit in sackcloth and ashes outside my office (J that would be quite a sight!) One way or another this has got to end!!

This business with the Dutchman also does not help matters. The man continues to call, but says nothing in effect. And I am really able to just let him come to his own decision on this (wonder of wonders!), but in the meantime this upsets my equilibrium – I just wish he could work out his side of the issue without having to speak to me at all! The area of relationships is another one that I know I should decide on what kind of companion I need and just let God pick him out!! I think I am still secretly hanging on to this man – good though he may be.

So anyway, I am sitting here in quiet, feeling a little relieved after thinking these things through (I seem to think much better when I am writing – talking?), but I still feel as though I am not arriving at a concrete decision. At this point I need to remind myself that I should allow myself to be present in the chaos, and know that out of the chaos always emerges a perfect solution. Not only that, things are as they should be, and I should allow myself to suffer needlessly – it is just that I do not yet see – but soon I shall – let me hold on to that.