Low internet speeds, power cuts, the irresistable pull of idleness, name it - all I know is that this has meant NO more posts!! However, today I gathered myself (also coz I finished my tasks for the day earlier than I expected) and here I am..
Right.. I have to say that I am in one of those moods - serious optismism!! I feel as though hey!! I can do anything I set my heart to - and this came from a conversation I had with a friend of mine who after I had narrated my relationship woes from a couple of months ago (that still feel unresolved in my mind) asked me what exactly I was afraid of... (I admitted that I was paralysed by a feeling of fear - fear to move forward, etc.)
That really got me thinking - I realise that I dream of this great and wonderful life, to which I feel entittled, and which I feel perfectly capable of achieving, but perhaps don't fully believe it.. Or is the problem not believing but just lethargy?? Although I doubt that - I think belief really should mobilise one...
Of late I have been reading all these papers on the quality of education in Uganda and other African countries in preparation for my PhD thesis, and the articles and studies are by all these African men and women who work for all these international education bodies - I mean, I think that would be a dream job for me too BUT the question is: what would my life be like? Would I have to be content with seeing my friends once in a while (they visit or I visit) and work the rest of the time? I have this imagination that it would be very difficult to have a family as well!! I mean what would my husband do as I flew around the world or got transfered wherever? I know in the past wives have gone where their husbands have gone but surely husbands are not yet at the level of going where their wives go? Or should I trust that this will be possible for me alone? (K said once that she thinks I could very easily live right across the globe from my partner and children, and still manage to have great family relationships - oh they of great faith in me!)
This is what I mean about the fear to step into the life that I desire - I feel like the price will be too high, I lack the faith that God will take care of me, will work things out just for me - as though he hasn't done so wonderfully before!! And YET, on the other hand, I know cannot settle for the mundane life that I know awaits me if I take some other job or continue to teach here (as much as I like it) - generally the life that awaits anyone that doesn't follow their dream or take any risks!! I have sooo much confidence in my self but I can't figure out why I don't step out!!
On that note anyway, I hope this is a wake up call of some sort - as I felt at the beginning of the year, this year would be the end of one era and the beginning of something completely new and different - I should embrace it fully!
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