On Relationships

Way back in 1995, I was dating this Architecture student who was giving me a real run for my money!! I remember telling my honorary big sister that one could not possibly be in more confusion, excitement or pain - her response was that on the contrary, I hadn't seen nothing yet!! Needless to say, I have since come to know how true it is!! (I thoroughly scoffed at the idea then though)

Over the years, this education has continued - I have carried out lots of experiments, and disproved lots of theories, but I have always felt that it was better to have found out for myself - nothing like learning from one's own experience!!

A great source of information, theory and experience has been books - both fiction and self help. Ofcourse some people believe books don't always present life in a realistic way but I figure that for instance, if someone has hosted a relationship talk show for years and years, and then goes ahead to publish his/her findings, then this can rightly be considered research output!! Ofcourse one has to keep in mind that alot of things cannot be generalised to any one person, let alone a whole population; however one can certainly take a leaf out..

Anyway, I have recently begun to consider a paradigm shift in the way I view relationships - consider it the beginning of another experiment :-) Recently, I had to end a relationship that I really wished could have worked out - I really liked this guy and thought us to be perfect for one another but due to the fact that we were both in really different places in life, I had to accept the fact that I wouldn't get what I needed. The whole experience left me feeling quite demoralised - I guess it is only natural that when a relationship ends, one feels as though they will never meet anyone else - though ofcourse considering that I have met a couple of guys that I really liked and admired, it stands to reason that there are more out there. I guess one just feels like the effort necessary to pull away from the last relationship and get back onto the dating scene is just too much.

Whatever the case, I decided to evaluate my choices, and educate myself some on relationships. Enter 'the surrendered single' and one thing dawned on me: I really believed that all Ugandan men were cheats and that the only good men in Uganda were my two brothers-in-law - kind of unfair on all the rest since I don't know all the rest; not to mention seriously pessimistic, and very arrongant on my part!! The surrendered single (hereinafter known as 'the good book') encourages single women that are ready to to date again to open themselves up to opportunity by making eye contact with men, smiling at them and generally engage them. Having nothing to lose, I decided to try it, though I felt a bit silly at first. I Immediately realised one thing - there are plenty of good looking, available looking men walking around the streets of Kampala, and moreover, I realised that I have always automatically looked away whenever a man begun to look my way - now why was that?? I guess I did not want any one of them catching my eye and perhaps asking me out - I was making myself completely unavailable!! (It was so bad that I couldn't even speak pleasantly to a man lest he hit on me!!)

The other thing that I have been encouraged to reconsider since reading the good book is my role as the female in a relationship - I have never been too good at receiving - compliments, affection, etc. I have felt that I had to meet the guy halfway, pay part of the bills, not let him pick me up or pay for fuel, etc. However, I have decided to consider the possibility that guys really enjoy doing for the women they are pursuing, and that I should enjoy simply letting them be the men and me be the woman and receive.

Thirdly, I should not feel that going on a date with anyone (letting them pick me up, buy me dinner or whatever) beholdens me to them in any way - I mean they are also just trying their luck and if it doesn't work out, tough! On my part, I should just try to have fun on the date and walk away if I find out that I don't want to date the guy again. My only job is to be my authentic self and try to figure out if the man is a good guy. (Thankfully, I have known for sometime that I need to look out only for the good guys, bad boys are just trouble - I got over my belief that I could change them)

All in all, I am feeling much more optimistic, I have decided to put myself out there more often, and to be available ( I don't know when I last attended a party or met anyone new!). I know I have alot to offer, and I believe there are guys out there with alot to offer too.

As for this Dutchman, I have to admit that I am having a hard time getting over him, especially since he insists on us staying in touch. But on reflection, he made it clear that he was not ready to be in a commited relationship, which I respect, but he should also respect the fact that I want to be in a committed relationship and he makes this difficult by hanging around.. I have decided thatI have to honour myself and cut communication - he can also sort himself out.. Moreover it occured to me that maybe he wants to stay in touch so he can keep his options open! A friend of mine put it so well - if I was the one insisting on staying in touch, I would be labelled as a stalker, but when he does it, it is cute - such a double standard!!!