GREETING THE ANCESTORS

My last surviving grandparent passed away around Easter this year, passing into the great hall of my ancestors. She’d lived with us for the best part of a decade, and had been a great fountain of wisdom, told crazy stories and instructed us in our local language (Rukiga)… During the last two or so years, her hearing begun to fail and she had constant pain in her back, stomach and legs. About two months before she died, she had a heart attack, and spent a few weeks in hospital, part of that time unconscious and on life support. When she came back home, she couldn’t walk very far anymore, and she was in more pain than ever. I tried to convince my dad to give her more pain killers since it was clear addiction was the least of her problems, but he wouldn’t hear of it, perhaps because he didn’t want to face the fact that she was really dying this time.

Anyway, she lived in the guest wing of my parents’ house, and since it has been standing empty these last months, I decided to move in this past weekend. It suits me very well because it is away from the main house and affords me some space and privacy (which I have come to realise more and more is totally necessary to life for me)

On the first night, I decided to carry out a private moving in ceremony – partly because of some stuff I read in a book that said one needed to claim and bless a space before one moved into it, and partly because my little sister accused me of showing off by moving into Grandma’s room when everyone knew it was haunted. :-) Silly girl! Anyway, I sat on the edge of my bed and prepared to begin. I wondered if I should say the words out loud or not, and decided on the latter (I’d feel too silly otherwise – although I later wished I had said them out loud – more effectual that way!)

I started off by greeting my Grandmother, and hoping she was comfortable where she was etc. – I started off doing this in Rukiga, but after a few moments casting about endlessly for suitable translations for words that appeared in my head in English, I figured that being dead, maybe she was beyond language barriers, and proceeded in English. I told her we were all well, and that I was looking forward to moving into her room. After this I started, with her permission, to claim the room. That it would be a room where I would rest well, be creative and be peaceful; thinking back to her state of mind towards her death, I begun to chase away fear and invite love, to chase away loneliness and invite companionship, to chase away confusion and invite clarity, to chase away ill health and invite well being, to chase away inability and invite ability, agility and strength. There after I invited all her positive qualities to stay: her strength of character, her excellent memory, her big heart, her innocence.

After that small ceremony, I have to say I slept very well, and have slept very well ever since! I really feel myself expanding and filling the space completely.

SURRENDERING

(Posted Four days later!)

A cousin of mine wants me to surrender to this guy that I feel almost sure has fancied me for ever, he is always fidgeting around me and has made suggestive remarks around me now and then, and a few weeks back even sent me suggestive sms. I promised my cousin I would surrender to him and go out with him if he asks me out. However, I told her I felt sure he would never ask, and today I found out that I am definitely part of the reason why: whenever the guy is anywhere near me or tries to catch my eye, I totally increase my concentration on whatever I am doing!! I completely shut him out – I mean, he is hardly going to go in for the kill if I am putting up such walls!! I now wonder if this is not cheating on my part – I guess surrendering starts with encouraging the person to ask you out in the first place – blast!! I may have to give the guy some more airtime from now on!!

The thing is this – and my cousin always asks why I don’t think I could date him – his negativity! I quite literally cannot live with it. Not only that, his general dismissiveness of all things Ugandan! Not only that, his quickness to negatively judge others – I mean as soon as a letter lands on his desk he reads it aloud and passes judgement on the font, or the short notice to some meeting, or the incorrectness of this or the uselessness of that – I mean really!! Then, on the other hand, as soon as something has an association with Europe or America, then it automatically passes. The other day he told me something that some Ugandans were proposing to him was probably worth pursuing because someone from South Africa had rung him about it… Ordinarily, without this external stamp of approval, he would have been expressing doubt about its authenticity or seriousness. Mind you I am aware that I am ALSO judging him here and maybe making unfair allegations but whatever the case, every time he picks something up and before his eyes are done sweeping over it he is pronouncing judgement, I just cringe!

FOUR YEARS AGO…

(Posted a week later!!)

Today, four years ago, at around this time actually, I went to a church in a small town in the East of Holland. As I sat there, all the regulars continued filing in until one guy that I had never seen strolled in. He surveyed the room and caught my eye, lingered for a second as something passed between us, and then he walked over to a free seat about two rows in front of me. As the service proceeded, he kept throwing glances over his shoulder, and I continued to toss my fake extensions over my shoulder (being one of those bad hair days, I had borrowed a wig that looked like braided hair from my room mate – and even if I say so myself, I looked quite fetching with it on!!)

Anyway, at the end of service, we usually had a cup of tea and a chat, so here I was in the line talking to some person, when he comes up and starts talking to the person I was talking to, then turns to me and introduces himself and asks me where I was from. When I tell him I’m Ugandan he gets really excited and tells me he spent 3 months in Kibale (a remote village in the West), and that that was one of the most enjoyable periods in his life. From there on he joins the line and we continue talking, then he invites me to join a group of his friends, and he continues to give me these penetrating looks…

Anyway, later he asks me to join them going to check out a book fair about half an hour’s cycling away, but I told him my bicycle was not in condition to ride that far so he offers to give me a ride there… Which I agree to and off we go (I remember wondering at his keenness for me to join them but I was not exactly put off by it). Later we all go back to his place for lunch, and then he invites me for a bible study the following week. At the bible study he is really attentive, and puts some food aside for me because I am kind of late, then sits next to me, shares his bible, stands really close to me and asks me a hundred questions, generally..

Anyway, fours years ago I met a young Dutchman, and I have really missed him in the last few weeks!! We had to break up earlier this year coz neither of us was willing to carry on a long distance relationship and although he wanted to remain friends, I preferred to break all ties… He tried to contact me a few times, and I responded but the last sms he sent I didn’t reply so I guess he got the hint. However, today, I really feel like I would like to get in touch. Unfortunately I erased all his email addresses and phone numbers so… I am conducting an internet search – will see what that brings up. I don’t feel strong enough not to get in touch, truly!! And I know I will probably beat myself up over this later BUT, I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it!

(30 Minutes later)

I have to laugh!! I actually found a website for the guy and sent him a message, and then suddenly this pain that I have had in my leg all night disappeared! I really wondered where the pain came from, I went running yesterday but running never gives me such pain – I now realise of course that it is my usual psychosomatic stunts – since yesterday I have been wondering whether or not to get in touch with this guy, and I had just decided to sweep it under the carpet, but evidently my mind was not fooled!

Anyway, that is that... Back to work! (By the way, the proposal is suddenly coming along so well, I am soooo pleased!)