Embracing the Vive

Clichés on how to achieve success or happiness abound: "Follow your bliss", and "Take the road less travelled", or "You are the master of your destiny", and so on; however, as I have come to realise, clichés do not turn into clichés for no reason: they often carry a grain of truth with them.

It seems clear to me that we all have a unique destiny. Or perhaps I cannot speak for anyone else but myself. It also seems to me that we are on a constant search: for meaning; for happiness; for connection; for understanding; for TRUTH; whatever. In my particular case, this search is usually going on quietly, and many times appears to have been overtaken by more immediate and seemingly more important things, but every now and then it quietly raises its head, and in its polite but firm way demands my attention, as if to say: “you are in danger of losing your focus: the search must go on”.

One moment on this journey stands out in my memory: I was in my early 30s and I had been away from home for a while. This one time a couple of old friends and I took a train together on our way to the wedding of another friend of ours, and as the chatter grew around me, I looked forward to reconnecting with everyone. Across from me sat Lydia looking quietly out of the window at the passing scenery, so I decided to start with her. I asked about what had been going on with her, and in turn told her about what had been going on with me. She told me about having her children, and moving into the suburbs, and building their family home, and I told of the people I had met on my travels, and the ways in which my world view had changed, and all the ways I had begun to question my previous experience, and so on, but I noticed that all through this she sort of kept staring quizzically at me, and finally she interrupted me, and with a voice of wonder asked: "What happened to you, Vive? You used to be normal!"

Bam!

"You used to be normal!"

Well. Understandably my whole flow was cut off, and I was left blinking in confusion and trying to collect my wits. I do not remember how I responded, or how the whole meeting ended (we had almost the entire journey still ahead and we had to continue talking about something), but that statement really took me aback. What did she mean I was not normal? What did it mean to be normal? In fact I did not recall ever having thought of people as either being normal or not, unless they were mad, which I assume was not the case here. I may have tried to ask her what she meant, and she must have given me a version of what I was to hear again and again from then on: I basically did not fit the image of a African woman of my age, education and family background, and people did not know what to make of me. At any rate, that was the beginning of a life of often feeling cut off, isolated and misunderstood, and of beginning to really wonder what it was that was different about me, and how that would evolve. Pretty soon I realised that in fact I had a hand in this evolution, so why not create a future to my liking, rather than let events overtake me. And so I began to dream it.

This weekend I learned that this was all very well, but on the journey towards the balanced, peaceful, happy and true self that you dream of, you have to throw off a number of shackles. Most amazing was that I already knew these things, but that I did not really know them; it took spending a weekend with two very wise women for these things to really clarify in my mind.

[Small aside: for three days I stayed with an older gay couple that I had met through the couch surfing community, and the insights that I mention below were the result of all of a sincere effort to get to know one another, and therefore each of us trying to explain as best as we could who were; in that process, we all discovered a lot about ourselves that we had never realised before]

1. Own your destiny.

The question here is: is our destiny predestined or do we create it? Many a time we are encouraged to dream big and to reach for the stars, and told that we create our own destiny. Our own reality. Well. A process of creation must at some point come to completion, and then what has been created must fully manifest. I have certainly taken the pains to create a destiny for myself, in which I teach and inspire others, in which I am healthy and fit, in which I travel the world in style, in which I live in a community of like-minded people, in which I share my life with the partner that I need or deserve and in which I have an impact on the educational system of my country. Strangely enough, as attractive as this dreamed future was to me, I was actually afraid of the reality of this destiny being fulfilled. Why? Because it would mean that I would have to take a position of leadership, and that everybody would have expectations of me. I have seen what happens to people who stand out at the front: their every move is scrutinised, their most innocent action misconstrued, all sorts of judgements publicly and vehemently held, and I unconsciously shied away from these inevitable consequences of my destiny. Worse, I imagined that people would always be trying to take from me: my energy, my time; they would feel free to fill up my space, and in all this I would be un-able-to- say-no.

No.

Well.

And there we had it. Peeling back another layer, I found out that I actually have a dread of saying no. Of making a clear stand in the face of disapproval. For being responsible for others feeling uncomfortable or threatened. For maybe not living up to people’s expectations of what was proper and sane. Peeling back another layer though, and I remember saying this like “[haaallo?] I do not want people to think of me as selfish.”

S-E-L-F-I-S-H

And my host goes: “Aha. Now we are getting to the bottom of things. Of course you have to be selfish. Every time you do anything that meets your needs you are going to feel selfish, but you must do it!” So I thought about that for a bit, and I think many women know this feeling. Being (un)selfish for me meant having to give of my resources (time, money, space, etc.) to people, simply because we shared blood, or were neighbours, or co-workers, even if we were not friends. I felt this way every time I decided to skip a presentation by a colleague because I did not find the material particularly interesting (plus we were not friends), or did not contribute to or attend the wedding of someone in my volleyball club (with whom we were not particular friends anyway), or not sitting down and keeping a relative company, that was visiting from out of town, when I would rather be watching a movie (ok, that still sounds a little improper, but objectively speaking they are usually visiting with my parents, and we did not really know each other. “Well”, someone will say, “You should get to know your relatives”; “But why?” I will ask… “Because. They are your blood”. Well. That just does not cut it I’m afraid). In our collectivist societies it is difficult to live as an individual who reserves the right to share oneself. I often think that perhaps I discriminate against certain people, but really if we are unable to connect, for whatever reason, maybe we speak a different language, or hold different beliefs – we are simply on different journeys, and it is a fruitless waste of energy to try and connect with such a person, and to what end? To be polite? To fit in? I just do not know.

Anyway. That brought me round to my usual tirade about maybe I was prideful or unloving or all sorts of things that mean one is a bad person, but then wait! I thought: is the focus on ME not wanting to be a bad person or on not wanting OTHERS to think that I was a bad person? I mean really, if I went about my business, doing what I do, thinking what I think, people were free to come to whatever conclusions they wished about me. I could not help that. What I could help was this continuous self-judging. So in the end it came down to knowing that I could not control how others responded to me, because in fact it all had NOTHING to do with me, but with them. Why should I shoulder the burden of others judging me. What a liberating thought that was. People would think, feel, speak, act as they wished in response to what I said or did and I could not control that. I need only focus on what I need to do to continue on my journey.

2. Accept others without judgement

Just as important as owning your own destiny, is to be able to accept others without judgement. The Bible really hits that nail on the head: "Judge not, lest you be judged". It is probably best not to be concerned about not being judged since one cannot control it, but making a habit of accepting others without judgement enables you to brush off the judgement of others more easily (I suppose). So maybe you are unable to connect with this person. Ok. It is how it is. There is no need to add a judgement on top of that. View them with compassion; understand that their journey is different from yours. This weekend I realised that I often look at the actions or decisions of others through the lens of: "I would never do that, that was a silly decision", or whatever, and which leads me to judging them, and often deciding that I like or do not like them or approve or whatever. WHY?? And how about the people that are in your life for whatever reason. Your friends and relatives. Your co-workers. My two godmothers from this weekend helped me see that one cannot truly connect with anyone if they are simultaneously judging them. I realised that to truly connect with someone is to be present with them, to listen with an open heart to what they say about themselves, and to accept them without judgement. They are relating their journey to you. It is how it is. It is not your journey, and never can be. You do not know what decisions you would have made in their place, and you will never know, (why?) because it is not your journey. Yours is to either decide to journey alongside them or not.

3. Speak your truth.

Turning the focus away from what others are doing or might do or have done in the past allows one to tune in to themselves; to be present in the moment; to listen, and to hear the truth within them. And in hearing and knowing the truth, our communication, verbal and non-verbal, will be truthful. Both to ourselves and to others. Many times we make decisions based on what we think is expected, or what will make others comfortable, and ignore what is good for us, or what we need. These projections that we make, in any case, are usually based on inadequate information. You have met people who can convey a certain image, but deep down they feel differently. You cannot even conclude anything based on what others say, so making a decision based on that will lead you into trouble. You may be afraid of how others will react, but accepting that you cannot control what other people do or feel, it is easier to calmly and sensitively hold to and communicate your truth. If the people around you do not like it, they will leave your space, and release you from that interaction. If, on the other hand you have established a proper connection, then in all likelihood you will only make that connection deeper and stronger. So speak your truth when you need to, and do not be held back by how others will react to it. Remember: their reaction is taking place on their journey, not yours.


Onwards and Upwards
I am sure many other seeds were planted this weekend, and as I continue on my journey I pray that they will take root and bear fruit. At any rate I feel really grateful at this moment, and feel excited about what happens next.