Seven days into the new year, and I still have no clue what is going on with me!! I cannot even collect myself enough to pray... This fills me with an unbearable amount of grave concern! The main thing is - I feel pulled in all directions at once! I am dazzled by the opportunities available to me and I cannot make a choice upon which to concentrate my creative energy!! On one hand, I had made up my mind last year to leave my current job and get my company on the road, on the other I got interviewed for what promises to be a more decent job than the one I hold now (still haven't heard from them though), and on yet another hand, I wonder if I should hold out for this job in the Sudan (though they haven't even invited me to interview with them!). As if ALL that is not enough, I have to make ready for what I call: Edinburgh 2008! (As of this morning, there may also be a Barcelona 2008 but we'll see)
The main problem is this: I suddenly feel I can have whatever I want, and this is too much power and with it comes too much responsibility! Who said it -
'Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our greatest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us' (Apparently this quote is often mistakenly credited to Nelson Mandela but it is by a woman known as Marianne Williamson - looked this up)
I mean even when I speak something that I don’t completely believe it still comes true! For instance, work was supposed to start today, but there has been a fuel crisis in my country since the year begun, and the University where I work is about 80km from the city where my parents live (and where I spent the Christmas break). Public transport fares have gone through the roof but despite knowing this, I kept saying that I would be at the Uni on Sunday.. By yesterday morning, I had decided to face reality and give it up, since I had even heard from our Administrator that the opening of the University had been postponed by a few days owing to the same fuel crisis. When I went to the shops for some milk and bread yesterday morning, I got an impulse to grocery shop anyway but I ignored it, figuring that it would be too early to shop for a departure that would take place mid week – plenty of time to shop till then. All the same, I was still making half-hearted attempts to find out exactly how high the fare to the university had gone, and a colleague of mine that I had asked by sms informed me that they had basically quadrupled. At that point I gave up properly but a few minutes later the same colleague calls me and says another colleague of ours was driving down and did I want a lift? Naturally I run around throwing my stuff into a back pack and hightailed it to the supermarket where they picked me up about 45 minutes later!!
Then there is the issue of my love life… (among the the things pulling me in directions) Especially in relation to the philosophy of surrendering; I learnt something very valuable yesterday: I was chatting with a casual friend of mine on sms and his first response had a :-) and a :-x. The sms that drew this response was completely innocuous so the smileys seemed kind of out of place. I was on the verge of writing to ask him what the high moods were for and what was with all the smiles and kisses, when I remembered something a Senga of mine once told me – she said that I gave guys the impression that I was the kind of girl who could laugh in a guy’s face if he so much as assumed to kiss me at the end of a date. I denied this hotly by the way, but maybe there was a grain of truth there (not that I have ever laughed or could even conceive laughing in a guy's face while he tried to kiss me) – I discussed the sms with a surrendered cousin of mine and surely enough she told me mine was to receive!
(A Senga is traditionally the Aunt with the responsibility of initiating a girl into marriage – usually one’s paternal aunt; in my case, both of those are dead so the wives of my paternal uncles would be next in line. That notwithstanding, I decided (and she decided) to give one of my maternal aunts first go..)
Truly I have great difficulty receiving!! I judge people instantly, and not always positively, so I give them little chance to get close! I have said it here before I think, but I always think if I open myself up to everyone, I will attract a lot of creeps right away.. But surely I can always tell the creeps to take a hike?? Only after I have established their creepiness of course!! If nothing else, I would have more dates than I currently pull.. (And why do I believe I will only attract creeps anyway?) My cousin suggested we start a contest and see who can get most dates – I think putting it to the challenge like that might motivate me; might make me feel silly, but it would motivate me!
ANYWAY.
As I write, I think I am clarifying the situation. I should really follow my passion, and try and create something of my own. Maybe writing is to me is what prayer is to others. I definitely should pursue getting my company on the road – God knows I have visualised it enough!! And this week I even have a car to do the rounds, and I have some money to print the info packs to get me started. I think I even got the perfect photo image!
SO WHAT'S KEEPING ME THEN??
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