So... This afternoon I give my final presentation, and the course is over.. The immediate feeling that I have about the last two months is that for once - considering that I tend to really adapt to new places, I have lived in some sort of bubble here.. Even though I have interacted with people (classmates, the people I play volley with, etc.), looking back it is as though I did so in bubble nevertheless.. I have spent alot of time just being with myself - and even when I spoke to people it was in relation to me.. trying to get their views on stuff that related to me..
For instance, one thing that I have learnt is to give myself a break!! To go more easy on myself - all my life I have tended to be quite hard on myself but now I have come to realise that not everything is a matter or life and death - I need to relax my guard now and then.. For instance with this course I had to do this project but excuse me - I also had to travel and meet people and develop myself e-intellectually culturally, socially, etc... in the end I made a simple enough project, and the important thing is to know that I learnt what I learnt and after all, my future is not in audiovisual learning materials.. SO I decided not to stress over it!! Normally I would think this kind of attitude means I am lowering my standards or something - but really, I think it is all about balance..
Secondly, more than ever as well, I have become convinced that I want to do that PhD!! As a result I am looking SO forward to the conference on lifelong learning in Ireland because it will be such a networking opportunity!! Infact I am so driven, that I hope I can start in the next 6 months - I have prepared enough I think, and I am willing to put in the required work to accomplish it!!
In that connection, for the first time I begun to think about how this extended studying plans of mine will impact upon me starting a family - and why, or even if I want a family, and what sort of relationships I will have from now on - there tends to be a focus on the future it all means for me.. Alot of women in Europe have families later..
(continued)
So, as I was saying - women start familiesmuch later in life, and as for the risks related to having children later - those are manaegeable with the right care - and anyway, I have racial advantages.. What's more, I have recently read a book on numeracy, and discovered that we set too much by statistics without understandiing context and population - all in all, there are individual differences and advantages - such being in good health, have a positive attititude, good care, diet, etc. On that, all my worries have evaporated!!
On the subject of meeting a suitable mate, well, I have to say I am extremely optimistic about that - my experiences in Belgium have more than convinced me o fthe availability of suitable men, as well as of my own attractiveness - I don't remember receiving so much attention and admiration - albeit from a couple of undesrables but still... This optimism especially increased when I posted a profile on Match.com and got so many interesting matches sent to me just in the area around Leuven - good looking and interesting men (from reading their profiles anyway) - and so on and so forth.. This development also certainly helped me in letting Bram go - there are plenty more fish in the sea!!
One other thing that I believe gave me pause was the nature of human despair and unhapiness - people who are excluded or disapproved of, people who face personal struggles with low self esteem, addicition, childhood trauma terminal illness, loss, joblessness - some things that even seem too minute to affect anyone seriously - I guess I gained this insight through a number of books that I read during this time as well as the movies I watched.. On the other hand, I also appreciated the value of going right through your circumstance, there is always light at the end of the tunnel - facing your past or present squarely and honestly, and being brave enough to tell yourself the truth - more importantly, avoiding the habit of wishing things were different, or thinking other people have it so much better and 'why me', etc..
I'm sure I learnt alot of other things that will take time to filter through to my consciousness, but all in all, the two odd months away were very good for me. The final presentation itself went very well and the progam ended on a high note.. I look forward to further developing the skills that I gained in the program!
Thursday, June 28, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
The nicest wedding ever!!
I have to say - even with the string of bad luck that I had most of yesterday, everything was forgotten once I arrived at the wedding coz what a NICE wedding!! (I will complain about the bad luck first since I had no one to complain to yesterday)
So, in my usual effiecient way, I worked out precisely how late I had to leave to get to the wedding venue by 14h00, and with my four train changes more or less committed to memory, I set off.. 5seconds after the door of the train closed (but before we actually set off) I realise I had brought the wedding clothes but forgotten the shoes!!! So I wonder if I can quickly grab my bag and press the emergency open-door button - as I hesitated, the train begun to pull out of the station so I had no choice but to wait for the next stop and get off there (this was 5minutes away) On getting off the train, I discovered that the train back to Leuven was 40minutes later!! So as I waited in this little deserted train station I realised that this ensured one thing: I wouldn't be back in time to get the shoes and back to catch the next once-hourly train to Holland, and so I would have to wait for the 2nd train after that - so in a stroke, I was two hours late!! STRESS!!! And then, when I finaly got onto THAT train, it decides to cope it half way through and I lose another half hour!! Basically at this point I just resigned myself to arriving three hours late - Dutch people are deeply disapproving of such antics - but I decide to just relax and enjoy the ride..
Arriving at the venue, no one in sight!! I am told the wedding party had moved to another location that the guys at this venue didn't know!! Luckily the invitation card contained the master of ceremonies' number so we rang him up and he came and picked me up in the bridal car!! A very nice honey coloured sports car!! (And it was precisely at this point that my luck completely changed!!) On arriving at the groom's parents' house where the cake cutting was being held, I go around saying hello to guests but half way through notice that the wrapper that I had used as an underskirt was unravelling!! (did I say my luck had changed?) - so I have to move off to the side (though still in view) and discretely hoist my skirt and re-fasten the wrapper (even tuck the end into the band of my panty as for good meassure - but everyone politely looked away)
ANYWAY
A few minutes after I arrived they changed venue again but this time they decided to boat there - what a scenic ride that was!! Through mash and past pretty cottages - eh??? TOOOO romantic!! And the group was also really nice - we talked, took pictures, basically!! On getting to the dinner venue I was glad to find that for once, there was no weird food with unindentifiable ingredients, just straight up meat, potatoes and vegetables - but oh-so tasty!!! (ok, with an irritating table member thrown in but neutralised by the constant flow of wine!! :-)) After dinner we went on to yet another venue for the 'afterparty', where the rest of the people had been invited! The main party was only about 20 people, and this swelled to about 50 at the afterparty where there were nuts and wine and beer and juices and soda and coffee.. and a performance by some red-indian looking types and salsa dancing by the couple and powerpoint slides of the groom growing up and some more nice company..
I'll say it again - a veeery nice wedding!! It was a pity I had to leave so early!! Anyway, I was struck by one thing - and ofcourse the couple pay for their own wedding so they are more in control of who they invite but really for these guys, a wedding is about close family and friends!! I mean the groom and bride were able to sit and chat with each guest, we could all walk up to them anytime and chat, hand over presents individually, and even in some cases have them open the present there and then (a Dutch habit)... When I had to leave, I went up to say goodbye to the couple but the groom tried to persuade me to stay saying he had an option on a hotel room and I could use it if I wanted!! And I mean I can't say I know this guy much but his wife and I were classmates and I was one of only four or five people from her side (the rest being in back Kuwait) so I guess he was being extra solicitous to her guests - my point is - he could afford to do so!!
Ah well, I'd promised Zhanara I would spend the night at her place and we also had a looong open talk - that was very nice!! (She gave me perfume as a present - isn't she the greatest??) This morning I accompanied my hosts and their two children to an indoor climbing place, had another nice talk with the wife - about the complications of combining work and family and in her case, she had to do her medical studies, Phd, specialisation and super specialisation so that she was only ready to start a family at age 37!! In the meantime her great love got away due to some problems with distance... Actually that was a story straight out of a movie!! Two years after they decided the distance was too great (Germany and Holland - imagine) - the guy contacted her and asked if she wanted to reconsider - and at this time she was willing and so sent him a postcard saying sure, let them try again but it was intercepted by an Italian woman in his building who was also interested in him.. So my host waited and waited, sent more letters, nothing!! Finally she contacted the guy's mother to see what was happening only to be told that he had been badly heartbroken not to hear from her and had gone on to get into a relationship with this Italian woman - who was by now pregnant!!! And that was that!! Can you imagine a sadder story?? Anyway, that was nice talking to her and recieving some perspective from someone who's been there and done that!!
I got back onto the train and during the three hour journey even managed to nail the concept for the poster presentation that I will make in Ireland in about a week's time... It had been eluding me for a while so I arrived back in Leuven feeling very accomplished - I had had a nice break but had also made an unexpected breakthrough - thanks mainly to my determination to do some work on the train back - I was very tempted to just read the very interesting book I am currently reading but valiantly resisted - making me feel even prouder!!!
Tonight I have a phone date so I guess that is also adding to my general happiness, though on that front I still feel that there is little hope - but I think the whole quarrel brought us closer somehow - we are much better and more real friends (as in real with one another) - so whatever tonight brings I feel we are getting closer to a mutually agreeable decision.. This is also tempered by my new found hope for many other relationship opportunities - early last week I got spammed by match.com, and just for fun decided to post a profile - and man the matches that I got, just here in Belgium - it was incredible!! The profiles read sooo well, some of these guys really look like they could be fun.. Ok, people write all sorts of things on the internet, but since I met one happily married woman who met her spouse online, I have become much more open (granted she said she had to wade through a lot of weeds on her way there!!) - for that matter that's one more thing that we tend to have a negative perception of, but that is a very common, accepted and successful practice in the west..
So, in my usual effiecient way, I worked out precisely how late I had to leave to get to the wedding venue by 14h00, and with my four train changes more or less committed to memory, I set off.. 5seconds after the door of the train closed (but before we actually set off) I realise I had brought the wedding clothes but forgotten the shoes!!! So I wonder if I can quickly grab my bag and press the emergency open-door button - as I hesitated, the train begun to pull out of the station so I had no choice but to wait for the next stop and get off there (this was 5minutes away) On getting off the train, I discovered that the train back to Leuven was 40minutes later!! So as I waited in this little deserted train station I realised that this ensured one thing: I wouldn't be back in time to get the shoes and back to catch the next once-hourly train to Holland, and so I would have to wait for the 2nd train after that - so in a stroke, I was two hours late!! STRESS!!! And then, when I finaly got onto THAT train, it decides to cope it half way through and I lose another half hour!! Basically at this point I just resigned myself to arriving three hours late - Dutch people are deeply disapproving of such antics - but I decide to just relax and enjoy the ride..
Arriving at the venue, no one in sight!! I am told the wedding party had moved to another location that the guys at this venue didn't know!! Luckily the invitation card contained the master of ceremonies' number so we rang him up and he came and picked me up in the bridal car!! A very nice honey coloured sports car!! (And it was precisely at this point that my luck completely changed!!) On arriving at the groom's parents' house where the cake cutting was being held, I go around saying hello to guests but half way through notice that the wrapper that I had used as an underskirt was unravelling!! (did I say my luck had changed?) - so I have to move off to the side (though still in view) and discretely hoist my skirt and re-fasten the wrapper (even tuck the end into the band of my panty as for good meassure - but everyone politely looked away)
ANYWAY
A few minutes after I arrived they changed venue again but this time they decided to boat there - what a scenic ride that was!! Through mash and past pretty cottages - eh??? TOOOO romantic!! And the group was also really nice - we talked, took pictures, basically!! On getting to the dinner venue I was glad to find that for once, there was no weird food with unindentifiable ingredients, just straight up meat, potatoes and vegetables - but oh-so tasty!!! (ok, with an irritating table member thrown in but neutralised by the constant flow of wine!! :-)) After dinner we went on to yet another venue for the 'afterparty', where the rest of the people had been invited! The main party was only about 20 people, and this swelled to about 50 at the afterparty where there were nuts and wine and beer and juices and soda and coffee.. and a performance by some red-indian looking types and salsa dancing by the couple and powerpoint slides of the groom growing up and some more nice company..
I'll say it again - a veeery nice wedding!! It was a pity I had to leave so early!! Anyway, I was struck by one thing - and ofcourse the couple pay for their own wedding so they are more in control of who they invite but really for these guys, a wedding is about close family and friends!! I mean the groom and bride were able to sit and chat with each guest, we could all walk up to them anytime and chat, hand over presents individually, and even in some cases have them open the present there and then (a Dutch habit)... When I had to leave, I went up to say goodbye to the couple but the groom tried to persuade me to stay saying he had an option on a hotel room and I could use it if I wanted!! And I mean I can't say I know this guy much but his wife and I were classmates and I was one of only four or five people from her side (the rest being in back Kuwait) so I guess he was being extra solicitous to her guests - my point is - he could afford to do so!!
Ah well, I'd promised Zhanara I would spend the night at her place and we also had a looong open talk - that was very nice!! (She gave me perfume as a present - isn't she the greatest??) This morning I accompanied my hosts and their two children to an indoor climbing place, had another nice talk with the wife - about the complications of combining work and family and in her case, she had to do her medical studies, Phd, specialisation and super specialisation so that she was only ready to start a family at age 37!! In the meantime her great love got away due to some problems with distance... Actually that was a story straight out of a movie!! Two years after they decided the distance was too great (Germany and Holland - imagine) - the guy contacted her and asked if she wanted to reconsider - and at this time she was willing and so sent him a postcard saying sure, let them try again but it was intercepted by an Italian woman in his building who was also interested in him.. So my host waited and waited, sent more letters, nothing!! Finally she contacted the guy's mother to see what was happening only to be told that he had been badly heartbroken not to hear from her and had gone on to get into a relationship with this Italian woman - who was by now pregnant!!! And that was that!! Can you imagine a sadder story?? Anyway, that was nice talking to her and recieving some perspective from someone who's been there and done that!!
I got back onto the train and during the three hour journey even managed to nail the concept for the poster presentation that I will make in Ireland in about a week's time... It had been eluding me for a while so I arrived back in Leuven feeling very accomplished - I had had a nice break but had also made an unexpected breakthrough - thanks mainly to my determination to do some work on the train back - I was very tempted to just read the very interesting book I am currently reading but valiantly resisted - making me feel even prouder!!!
Tonight I have a phone date so I guess that is also adding to my general happiness, though on that front I still feel that there is little hope - but I think the whole quarrel brought us closer somehow - we are much better and more real friends (as in real with one another) - so whatever tonight brings I feel we are getting closer to a mutually agreeable decision.. This is also tempered by my new found hope for many other relationship opportunities - early last week I got spammed by match.com, and just for fun decided to post a profile - and man the matches that I got, just here in Belgium - it was incredible!! The profiles read sooo well, some of these guys really look like they could be fun.. Ok, people write all sorts of things on the internet, but since I met one happily married woman who met her spouse online, I have become much more open (granted she said she had to wade through a lot of weeds on her way there!!) - for that matter that's one more thing that we tend to have a negative perception of, but that is a very common, accepted and successful practice in the west..
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Falling off the wagon - ouch!!
What can I say? I lasted a mere a week!! Tsk...
Classic. After a few shots of Amarula, there he appeared online - before I knew what I was doing I was putting a PC to PC call through to him!! Ok, to be honest I had been slipping off the wagon all day, remembering how he ran to hug me the last time I went to pick him from the train station, etc., knowing him to be such a spontaneous guy that he wouldn't stage that, and wondering why we are walking away really??
Anyway, he said it was difficult for him to walk away also and wondered what he was doing.. Aren't we a pair?? We have a date this weekend (phone), I'm thinking lets break up after I leave Europe!! :-) - if we have to break up at all.. I feel so embarrased (although I know I have no cause to be) - I am so totally human after all!! Ofcourse I am setting myself up for severe pain later on - judging from what I have been through this week I must be mad!! It's all this conflict you see - I really feel that we are breaking up for nothing - I have broken up for nothing with one other person before and I have regretted it since..
Ah, let me get back to work..
Classic. After a few shots of Amarula, there he appeared online - before I knew what I was doing I was putting a PC to PC call through to him!! Ok, to be honest I had been slipping off the wagon all day, remembering how he ran to hug me the last time I went to pick him from the train station, etc., knowing him to be such a spontaneous guy that he wouldn't stage that, and wondering why we are walking away really??
Anyway, he said it was difficult for him to walk away also and wondered what he was doing.. Aren't we a pair?? We have a date this weekend (phone), I'm thinking lets break up after I leave Europe!! :-) - if we have to break up at all.. I feel so embarrased (although I know I have no cause to be) - I am so totally human after all!! Ofcourse I am setting myself up for severe pain later on - judging from what I have been through this week I must be mad!! It's all this conflict you see - I really feel that we are breaking up for nothing - I have broken up for nothing with one other person before and I have regretted it since..
Ah, let me get back to work..
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