On Relationships

Way back in 1995, I was dating this Architecture student who was giving me a real run for my money!! I remember telling my honorary big sister that one could not possibly be in more confusion, excitement or pain - her response was that on the contrary, I hadn't seen nothing yet!! Needless to say, I have since come to know how true it is!! (I thoroughly scoffed at the idea then though)

Over the years, this education has continued - I have carried out lots of experiments, and disproved lots of theories, but I have always felt that it was better to have found out for myself - nothing like learning from one's own experience!!

A great source of information, theory and experience has been books - both fiction and self help. Ofcourse some people believe books don't always present life in a realistic way but I figure that for instance, if someone has hosted a relationship talk show for years and years, and then goes ahead to publish his/her findings, then this can rightly be considered research output!! Ofcourse one has to keep in mind that alot of things cannot be generalised to any one person, let alone a whole population; however one can certainly take a leaf out..

Anyway, I have recently begun to consider a paradigm shift in the way I view relationships - consider it the beginning of another experiment :-) Recently, I had to end a relationship that I really wished could have worked out - I really liked this guy and thought us to be perfect for one another but due to the fact that we were both in really different places in life, I had to accept the fact that I wouldn't get what I needed. The whole experience left me feeling quite demoralised - I guess it is only natural that when a relationship ends, one feels as though they will never meet anyone else - though ofcourse considering that I have met a couple of guys that I really liked and admired, it stands to reason that there are more out there. I guess one just feels like the effort necessary to pull away from the last relationship and get back onto the dating scene is just too much.

Whatever the case, I decided to evaluate my choices, and educate myself some on relationships. Enter 'the surrendered single' and one thing dawned on me: I really believed that all Ugandan men were cheats and that the only good men in Uganda were my two brothers-in-law - kind of unfair on all the rest since I don't know all the rest; not to mention seriously pessimistic, and very arrongant on my part!! The surrendered single (hereinafter known as 'the good book') encourages single women that are ready to to date again to open themselves up to opportunity by making eye contact with men, smiling at them and generally engage them. Having nothing to lose, I decided to try it, though I felt a bit silly at first. I Immediately realised one thing - there are plenty of good looking, available looking men walking around the streets of Kampala, and moreover, I realised that I have always automatically looked away whenever a man begun to look my way - now why was that?? I guess I did not want any one of them catching my eye and perhaps asking me out - I was making myself completely unavailable!! (It was so bad that I couldn't even speak pleasantly to a man lest he hit on me!!)

The other thing that I have been encouraged to reconsider since reading the good book is my role as the female in a relationship - I have never been too good at receiving - compliments, affection, etc. I have felt that I had to meet the guy halfway, pay part of the bills, not let him pick me up or pay for fuel, etc. However, I have decided to consider the possibility that guys really enjoy doing for the women they are pursuing, and that I should enjoy simply letting them be the men and me be the woman and receive.

Thirdly, I should not feel that going on a date with anyone (letting them pick me up, buy me dinner or whatever) beholdens me to them in any way - I mean they are also just trying their luck and if it doesn't work out, tough! On my part, I should just try to have fun on the date and walk away if I find out that I don't want to date the guy again. My only job is to be my authentic self and try to figure out if the man is a good guy. (Thankfully, I have known for sometime that I need to look out only for the good guys, bad boys are just trouble - I got over my belief that I could change them)

All in all, I am feeling much more optimistic, I have decided to put myself out there more often, and to be available ( I don't know when I last attended a party or met anyone new!). I know I have alot to offer, and I believe there are guys out there with alot to offer too.

As for this Dutchman, I have to admit that I am having a hard time getting over him, especially since he insists on us staying in touch. But on reflection, he made it clear that he was not ready to be in a commited relationship, which I respect, but he should also respect the fact that I want to be in a committed relationship and he makes this difficult by hanging around.. I have decided thatI have to honour myself and cut communication - he can also sort himself out.. Moreover it occured to me that maybe he wants to stay in touch so he can keep his options open! A friend of mine put it so well - if I was the one insisting on staying in touch, I would be labelled as a stalker, but when he does it, it is cute - such a double standard!!!

Falling off the wagon - ouch!!

What can I say? I lasted a mere a week!! Tsk...

Classic. After a few shots of Amarula, there he appeared online - before I knew what I was doing I was putting a PC to PC call through to him!! Ok, to be honest I had been slipping off the wagon all day, remembering how he ran to hug me the last time I went to pick him from the train station, etc., knowing him to be such a spontaneous guy that he wouldn't stage that, and wondering why we are walking away really??

Anyway, he said it was difficult for him to walk away also and wondered what he was doing.. Aren't we a pair?? We have a date this weekend (phone), I'm thinking lets break up after I leave Europe!! :-) - if we have to break up at all.. I feel so embarrased (although I know I have no cause to be) - I am so totally human after all!! Ofcourse I am setting myself up for severe pain later on - judging from what I have been through this week I must be mad!! It's all this conflict you see - I really feel that we are breaking up for nothing - I have broken up for nothing with one other person before and I have regretted it since..

Ah, let me get back to work..

RAW..

I had a really nice sleep last night, and woke up feeling really refreshed (even woke up early and without an alarm!!) - forced myself to eat breakfast - I read somewhere that people who are generally healthier than most never miss breakfast... And they eat plenty of fish - do you know that I eat fish maybe twice or thrice a year?? Shocking!!

But this is all besides the point - inspite of waking up feeling so well, it wasn't long before the fog descended again - is this how break-ups go? I think I had forgotten just how bad it can be.. How do people get through much bigger losses?? I guess one does.. one has to, somehow!! I keep telling myself that I have been here before and I have since forgotten all about these guys - or anyway, they don't seem like 'the ones' anymore, and I tell myself it will get better everyday, but all the same I feel soo raw!! Close to the edge of falling or breaking or dissolving - all the time.. And then I tell myself to just put it all out of my head and try to do some work - for that matter what BAD timing?? I have just over a week to deliver my final project, and here I am!!!

Ah well, its nice to vent a little. Back to work again!!

Taking small steps - in the right direction?

So, day - uhm, five? Counting from last Wednesday - today I found an e-mail from him and it was really hard on me - we had said we shouldn't end on the angry e-mails that we exchanged the day we broke up, so he sent one last one asking how stockholm was, regretting that he cannot match commitment and consequences to the way he feels about me, and blah, blah, stuff about how good we are together (WHY does he do that?? ), repeated his invitation to visit his parents etc. Anyway, it was SUUUCH an effort to write back and tell him I won't go to his parents (what's the point right?), and to tell him thanks for fulfilling my request for a last 'nice' email (sad as it made me feel) and that ok, that was done..

I thought to add that he should just not contact me again (in his email he said he just couldn't write a 'last e-mail' to me) but I feel as though - 'what is all that drama for?' Truth be told, I am not strong enough to take such a giant step anyway, so I decided to take the small one of thanking him for his e-mail and not leaving any unfinished business for us to contact one another again - and anyway we agreed that he could look me up if ever he comes to East Africa (he hopes to do his internship in Tz in two years' time but that is ages away).. and that for my part I would look him up if I was in Europe again - but only if I was sure enough time had passed or if I was with someone else.. Truly this whole business has also taught me to be abit easier on myself - to be a little more flexible - for instance I am not usually in favour of staying friends with one's exes, but in this case I am leaving it as a remote future posibility - it makes it a little easier to cope with the present.. And possibly save me from psychosomatic pains in my legs :-)

So, Ruth's wedding - a really, really, nice weekend - even made up for the horrid travel experience of my return to Leuven - waiting hours in empty cold airports for a connecting train and then having that break down and making detours and eh?? But finally I got home, slept and now feel quite refreshed.. But ok, the wedding - I danced, ate, talked with the girls, and generally took a break - although actually I also managed to do some work as well - decided to make the best of those hours sitting around in the airport and train stations.. The highlight of the weekend was meeting this crazy child psychiatrist proffesor at the wedding - what a character!! Ruth really nailed that one on the head!! She sat us next to one another because she thought we would really get on and did we ever? He gave me his e-mail address so he could put me in touch with his son who is a researcher in the field of education as well (the boy is 26 so don't get any ideas!!).

Right, back to work.. but before that, I just realised one thing - the moment before one makes a difficult decision like the type I made as I answered that e-mail today, it looks soooo difficult - maybe because one is stretching beyond into a place they have never been, but right after this latest small step, I feel as though it is still well with me.. and it will be well with me. In a way I have no other choice, or maybe more accurately, this is the choice that I am making..

Day ONE

So, here I am.. Had a really rough day yesterday - we sent e-mail back and forth, as I said - some really angry e-mail at one point - but all in all, we made peace again and asked forgiveness and accepted our limitations and had a loooong skype phonecall and looked at ALL options and in short, he knows that he could ofcourse say yeah, lets date but he also knows this would be BIG STUFF - as he put it, and to be fair, there is no need for him to make such big decisions at this point in his life - serves me right for dating a younger man!!! I'm glad though that we parted on a such a good note.. my problem has always been closure, in this case, I got a semblaince of it!!

So half the night, I had this seering pain in my leg that Kesh always says means I am unable to move forward - I had to really keep telling myself 'Connie - you have to MOVE on!!', so the pain would go away but it kept me up for a while all the same - meaning that I didn't have much sleep... This morning I have been busy all morning so I feel fine - the trouble begins when I get back to my room... I really have to make an effort to concentrate on work.. This weekend luckily I will go to Stockholm for Ruth's wedding so the weekend will be sorted (usually a difficult time as well) - although I wonder if a wedding is the best place to go after a breakup.. But who knows? People meet people at weddings.. Ruth met Andreas at a wedding herself!!

Speaking of the wedding, that was the reason we were skyping in the first place yesterday - I have had to use his credit card to book all my flights etc., and now I have to transfer the money back to him - however, due to a technicality with my bank card, I can't transfer money abroad, only within Belgium - his suggestion is that I keep the end of month appointment (made pre-breakup) and hand over the money then.. but I really hesistate to do that.. It certainly won't help me with moving on!! On the other hand I don't want to pay Western Union charges since I will be in NL during that period anyway, but I might have to do that.. (the lease on the studio expires and I will be homeless for two days - the plan is to move to NL where I have two other people that I can stay with before I proceed to the conference in Ireland)

So anyway, all in all, not a bad day so far.. I am making some breakthroughs with my project so hopefully the steam will carry me till the end of the month... I really feel fine - I wonder if I am still in shock or if the pain comes in waves or what?? Or is it the first day that is the biggest problem?? Let me hope so... fingers crossed, otherwise I'm in for some stiff will power exercises!! Ah well, on to Stockholm!!!

I played... and I lost

So, things finally came to a head this morning.. Through some e-mail that has been going back and forth, and him apologising again for not doing what he said he was going to do coz he was caught up with blah, blah, I was forced to face what I have known all along - we are just at different places in life.. Having my expectations dashed again and again and promises broken or postponed is just no fun (how classic is that???) He is a great guy, but I have to let him go - with all the love we feel, we have to be practical - we are just at different places.. Otherwise this relationship was really taking its toll on me - high one moment, low the next, sooo draining!!

I have had to listen to my own advice - these things take commitment from both people, not one being serious and the other being wishy-washy. I just have nothing much more to comment on the whole thing - I just have needs he cannot meet now - I wonder if this proves that age really does make a difference.. With him in Med school it seems to us as though he is more at a different place... Although I will soon be back to school as well so.. AH well.. I am determined not to dwell any longer on this - just let time do its job.

I have been able to exercise alot of relationship muscles though - I have never been so communicative, nor forced myself to look so deep inside me and speak from my heart .. Even though it did not work out, I think I will be much more successful in communicating in future.. And in laying myself bare - it is really scary and may even cause pain sometimes, but it also releases you to really live..

:-) I went through ALL my phonebooks and addressbooks and deleted his addresses and numbers, blocked him from my chat, and deleted all the e-mail we have ever sent each other - I even went into my yahoo and deleted e-mail from 2004!! (dramatic huh?) It's as if I want to completely close that chapter.. Ofcourse if I am honest I hope in some small part of my heart that he will decide we belong together after all but ofcourse I quash that thought immediately!! Ireally have to move on with my life.. I did ask him to look me up if he ever comes to East Africa though - but not to make it too soon - maybe I shouldn't have done that - but what the heck?? I am not perfect - another thing I have had to accept - hehehe

Deeeeep Siiiigh.. I just want for this program to be over and for me to get back home... At the very least I should congratulate myself for not settling for less than what I want.. And also had some really nice moments - Having someone play me the guitar in the moonlight, picking me wild flowers, jamming the lift and making out, and this is just in one day - ahhh.. I better not go there

Time to get back in the game again!! (brave smile)

Too strong or too weak?

Yesterday I spent the day in Maastricht to see off a dear friend of mine, he has finished his Phd thesis and will be going back to Italy on Tuesday.. It was a really nice day, and I remembered the time I said bye to him when he finished his Masters - I really thought I would never see him again so I attempted to say 'Ok., so I guess this is it - have a good life' or something to that effect.. I fancied him a little that time and I realise now that I was trying to be the first to say - 'it's over' - WHY do I do that?? Always unprovokedly too!!! I reminded him bout it yesterday and he said that by facing the fact that I may never se a person again, it shows I am quite strong.. He on the other hand always hopes he will see the person again - no wonder back then he shooed away my goodbyes and said 'sure we'll see one another again, maybe I will come to Africa (very unlikely) or you will come to Europe' - well, he was perfectly right on that on - here I am back in Europe for another stay..

But that got me thinking - is it really strength that makes me do that or weakness?? I mean am I too weak to live with the uncertainities of life? Is that why I am always trying to tidy things up - and moreover be the first to do so - I know this is significant because I feel it gives me an upper hand, like I am the less emotional one, the more rational one, the one who sees clearly that this is it! I think actually it just shows my weakness, especially since I only do it people I fancy - I mean I didn't do it with the other people that I left in NL, just this guy.. It's as if I try to cut off the possibility of missing this person or living in the hope of seeing him again - I am such a basket case sometimes!!

Anyway, all that aside, I have been watching some spectacularly depressing films - suits my current mood really... Oh, ok, I know I am being a tad dramatic.. It just so happens all these 'arty' films are quite depressing, but that's what makes them so compelling - happy sunny lives don't make for a good script!! The books I am reading are not much different; they run along the theme of revealing the quiet desperation with which most people live.. The philosopher Henry Thoreau said that - infact his exact quote was Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them - I mean how depressing is that?? Although he also coined the one about listening to your own drummer - If a man loses pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music in which he hears, however measured, or far away - I guess he liked music (and no need to get so impressed, I googled these quotes!!)

In anycase, hanging out with Marco did alot for my low spirits - I discussed my recent happenings, and since he is also Taurus I wanted to get his take on the whole matter.. He agreed that the whole situation was really complex but that I was probably doing the right thing, knowing me. One thing that he mentioned though, that gave me pause, was that he could understand the man's abhorrence for the phone and for e-mail - he said that perhaps it was growing up in a little town but he hated talking on the phone, and would certainly never consider having a long distance relationship that way, never! Ofcourse this was one of the main things that I faulted Bram for, I really took it to mean that he was just not willing to make the effort and therefore it had to do with me personally and maybe he didn't really like me as much as he said he did, etc. etc. But who knows, maybe there are really people like these.. He grew up in a small town as well so.. I think this throws new light on the whole thing.. Or am I grasping for straws?

I am just getting ready to bake some 'olliebollen' - these are traditional winter doughnuts around the Flanders that I liked so much the last time I was here - as the name suggests, they are literally 'oil balls', so I try to eat them in moderation but God are they tasty!! No matter how many I bake, I will not stop eating until the plate is empty, so now I limit the number that I bake..

Later I hope to do some work on my project for the training, wish me luck!!

Banange!!

Do I make like harder than it is or is it actually this hard? The budhists say that the root of all suffering is desire - but how can we live without desire? The best we can do is manage our emotional response to not getting what we want.. Or organising the resources to continue hoping and wait patiently for what we need - all the same my faith has been severely tested in the last few days...

This is how it is: I met a guy in late 2003, got to know him over a period of 3months, upon which he moved to another country.. We have kept in touch since then, having really long and deep conversations on phone (five or so a year), and occasionally e-mailing.. I think we kept in touch so long partly because our spiritual growth mirrored so exactly - it was always like - 'oh, you too? Wow.. I feel the exact same way' or 'I know exactly what you mean' and so on and so forth.. A friend of mine once told me he'd read somewhere that first men and women connect on an intellectual level, then emotional, and the physical is sure to follow..

Last September we met in London and had a really wonderful two days together - exploring London, getting back in touch with each other, confirming our similar view on the world, and putting on outrageous shows of public affection!! :-) The memory always makes me smile.. At the end of those two days we wondered what was next, but I knew in my heart that he was not really ready to be in a comitted relationship - he was still trying to finish his medical degree (and at the time his Phd as well though he has since abandoned it) - all the same what we had was just too special so I allowed myself to dream a little.. Although to be honest at the time I also didn't feel ready to be in any kind of committed relationship; certainly I felt that I knew him very well but after all we still had never had a real chance to get to know each other under normal circumstances (some would argue this is not really essential, sometimes you just know.. )

At any rate, last month we met twice, once in his town and once in mine - the old magic is still very alive, we had a fabulous time both times, and felt really comfortable around one another.. Proof of this was that I was able to cook him two dinners that didn't burn, or taste weird or anything - in fact, it was some of the tastiest food I've cooked. Basically, if I am anxious, trying to cook always ends in disaster!! Both weekends went really smoothly, we agreed easily on stuff, and even had time to have 'A TALK'!!!

Hmmm, the talk.. I have to credit him highly for his ability to stick it out - he felt like fleeing several times, but chose to stay and listen throughout.. My main concerns were that I didn't feel that all his declarations of deep feeling and connection translated to action - he was not in touch much when we were apart (even though he was very affectionate and sharing when we were together), and he didn't seem too optimistic about possibilities for the future. I was concerned about the fact that he often voiced a wish that I was nearer, and yet didn't show any signs that he would put in the effort required to give us a chance to get to know one another better even if I was nearer - I mean I have been in the neighbouring country for a month and in that period he called me maybe twice.. How sure was I that if I was nearer he would make this effort? Obviously I appreciated the difficulty of him changing locations anytime soon, but still..

All in all, there needed to be some sort of decision to give it a try from him too if I was going to make any changes to my life.. Other couples in long distance relationships, as far as I can tell, survive by being constantly in touch - something that he feels he is unable to do - apparently he thinks telephone and e-mail are such poor substitutes for physical presence that he can't see them getting him very far - so he just doesn't bother.. Well, this is too bad because at this point in my life, I need to be with someone with whom I can share my life, in whatever form - phone calls and e-mail work perfectly well for me - after all, how had we gotten to know one another up to that point? Anyway, in essence he told me he had unconsciously shut the door after London, coz he just saw no future.. This came as a real suprise I have to say, coz my door has been wide open since London - maybe I am not as pragmatic as I have always fancied myself to be..

The short of it is - I told him he left me no option but to close the door too, and that henceforth we would each go our separate ways.. His Mom had invited me to visit with them and I had to cancel that too, which took him by surprise.. He thought our separate ways meant we could go back to our 4 or 5 phonecalls a year, and meeting up if we were in one another's neighbourhood, and generally keeping up with one another's news... And so while I was in Belgium there was no need for us not to meet up again.. This surprised me back.. I had to explain to him that we had gone too far to go back now, atleast not without the passage of great amounts of time - in particular I didn't want to know when he was dating someone else (the kind of info we would normally exchange) because now I was not such a neutral listener..

Basically, this week he contacted me again and asked me (as I understood it) to reconsider - i.e. not to push him completely out of my life, although he understood that I had to move on with my life - well, I don't know - I just can't hack this 'let's remain friends' stuff, and frankly I think it is a bit selfish of him to ask it of me after I have explained my position. I have to make choices, just as he does, and if he cannot embrace us with all the uncertainities and risks that go with that, I cannot do much - all I know is that I cannot have him half-in, half-out of my life - this would be exposing myself to more pain, and I should know believe me!!

I have thought about the fact that I would be loosing a good friend (of which I have precious few), but I can always pick up that friendship after I have recovered from this friendship.. That would require a year atleast, maybe more.. And then by then who knows, maybe neither of us would be interested anymore.. Siiiigh.. The whole business has really taken its toll.. But I know I am doing the right thing - if someone really wants to be with you, they will do what is necessary, I know I would - but he apparently has given up without a fight.. What am I to do? I have to accept the outcome.. So much for his adventurous spirit..

Do I sound bitter? Well, I am a little.. But I have to keep my faith and hope up - God has never let me down yet - he always works things out much better than I could expect.. So I will stay optimistic - life is full of suprises.. I just hope I have made the right decision..

Theses from the weekend....

Thesis 1: What is the most important thing?

I have been thinking about my attitudes in relationships, and the decisions that I make, and remembering that when people are older, they say that looking back, they think they should have concetrated on their relationships more, and that this is the biggest piece of advice that they would give anyone..

In my small class is a Nigerian whose undergraduate major was philosophy, and I asked him to tell me what it was that philosophers said was the most important thing - his response (not very helpful) was that in philosophy, questions are more important than the answers... I pressed him further and he said that in short, the answer to this question depends on the person's world view - for altruists, the important thing is to serve mankind, for theists it is to live a godly and reflective life, for humanists it is to realise their potential or experience everything that they can, and so on and so forth.. This still didn't get me very far as I felt there HAD to be a more objective position on the question - so I asked trusty google - and here are some of the answers I got:
1. The most important thing is to gain wisdom
2. The most important thing is to love (and be loved)
3. The most important thing is to be healthy
4. The most important thing is money (I surely don't believe that - the author of this site said this was true because being poor was no fun - the things you find on the net!!)
5. The most important thing is happiness (but how to become happy?)
6. The most important thing is to stretch (a site on exercise)
7. The most important thing is to keep the fights clean and the sex dirty (a site on how to have a successful marriage)

And so on and so forth..

I think the best explanation that I found was from this guy who kind of agreed with my Nigerian classmate that the answer to this question was quite subjective - I mean for instance the most immediate important thing is to keep breathing - obviously if you cannot breathe then the rest of it doesn't matter.. One rung up is survival - to find food and a means of finding food, to be secure so that your life is preserved, and so on.. One rung further up then you start thinking about if you are happy or not, and further up you can be concerned about whether or not you made a contribution to the world, and so on and so forth.. His conclusion was that all in all we should be prepared to grow and learn and adapt, and that perhaps the most important thing is knowing how incomplete our knowledge of the world and of life really is..

Thesis 2: All or Nothing?

I tend to take the stance that in a relationship, either you give your all or you give nothing.. this weekend I decided to end a four-year friendship with someone that is very dear to me, and with whom I have a very special bond - simply because while I feel ready to give my all to a relationship, he is either not ready, not able or not willing to accomodate a relationship as he has to concentrate on getting his medical degree out of the way (understandable really, as this is how he hopes to get fulfilling work and and also take care of himself - and me!)... His own view though was that surely we didn't have to go completely separate ways and never know anything else about each other, we could still be friends (yes, the dreaded phrase).. Ofcourse from experience I know that this NEVER works out!!

Fast forward to me missing him and having second thoughts:

I begun to think - I have very few friends in life, why give up one of them? And after I get back to Ug really, we shall be miles apart and the usual problems that arise from being just friends will not arise... Moreover, I have a distinct feeling that by cutting off all contact I am fleeing the scene because things didn't go perfectly my way, and I fear that this is an inability to really LIVE - with pain and joy and disappointment and love and disagreement and intimacy and all those things.. No wonder I resort to hollywood stunts of just cutting him off without further notice..

The entire time I was telling him it was over he was asking me to reconsider, and even after we separated he contacted me and asked me to think again - he is not offering anything mind you, he just feels that the whole break up is too drastic, and he also realises that he has few friends, and maybe he thinks we can work something, anything out.. I have to say that I agreed with him, in any case I was already feeling so bad for cutting him off so drastically, as though he wasn't first and foremost my friend..

As I write this, I feel that I have been here before and maybe I will end up in hot water again, but it looks like either I don't learn, or I have decided to have some faith still.. they say no matter how much bad experience you get, don't lose faith.. In any case, I am haunted by a suspicion that you cannot apply logic to these things - alot of people say you should trust your instincts and your feelings etc., but surely one should use one's head as well.. I have sometimes followed my heart and ended up nowhere - maybe I don't commit myself fully to it, who knows.. On the other hand, it concerns me that my life experience is very limited, and that I draw on rather dubious sources for advice - movies, books, the internet, but WHAT else can I do? I have a problem, I have to solve it, I don't feel that I have the personal resources to do it, WHAT do I do???

Luckily, in African tradition they say that the strong man allows for the possibility to change his mind, so I guess the jury is still out on this one!!!