I have come to realise, through both my own and other people's experience that there are many, many easy and painless ways to do things (painless at that very moment anyway), but that anything that will bring you lasting peace, happiness and fulfilment requires hard work and sacrifice.. I have read about how people have turned their lives around as soon as they decided to quit taking short cuts or depending on other people to make their decisions or being overly concerned about how society will view their actions, blah, blah, blah.. I believe this deeply, infact this is practically a personal mantra, but I have often fallen short of acting on them - especially the working hard and sticking it! I lack commitment in alot of things that I do!!
Which leads me to wonder over and over again - what is the root of my problem - is it lack of belief?? Or is lack of commitment a separate issue? A book that I read once - emotional intelligence - said that we generally have to motivate ourselves by an act of will to act on anything. So maybe the question is do I lack the will to do what I have to do?
I can only think of one time that I acted on something that I believed needed to be done and the results were great - why can't I learn from that?? Ah well, I guess I am a work in progress - just gotta stick this out.. Can't give up!!
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
On Relationships
Way back in 1995, I was dating this Architecture student who was giving me a real run for my money!! I remember telling my honorary big sister that one could not possibly be in more confusion, excitement or pain - her response was that on the contrary, I hadn't seen nothing yet!! Needless to say, I have since come to know how true it is!! (I thoroughly scoffed at the idea then though)
Over the years, this education has continued - I have carried out lots of experiments, and disproved lots of theories, but I have always felt that it was better to have found out for myself - nothing like learning from one's own experience!!
A great source of information, theory and experience has been books - both fiction and self help. Ofcourse some people believe books don't always present life in a realistic way but I figure that for instance, if someone has hosted a relationship talk show for years and years, and then goes ahead to publish his/her findings, then this can rightly be considered research output!! Ofcourse one has to keep in mind that alot of things cannot be generalised to any one person, let alone a whole population; however one can certainly take a leaf out..
Anyway, I have recently begun to consider a paradigm shift in the way I view relationships - consider it the beginning of another experiment :-) Recently, I had to end a relationship that I really wished could have worked out - I really liked this guy and thought us to be perfect for one another but due to the fact that we were both in really different places in life, I had to accept the fact that I wouldn't get what I needed. The whole experience left me feeling quite demoralised - I guess it is only natural that when a relationship ends, one feels as though they will never meet anyone else - though ofcourse considering that I have met a couple of guys that I really liked and admired, it stands to reason that there are more out there. I guess one just feels like the effort necessary to pull away from the last relationship and get back onto the dating scene is just too much.
Whatever the case, I decided to evaluate my choices, and educate myself some on relationships. Enter 'the surrendered single' and one thing dawned on me: I really believed that all Ugandan men were cheats and that the only good men in Uganda were my two brothers-in-law - kind of unfair on all the rest since I don't know all the rest; not to mention seriously pessimistic, and very arrongant on my part!! The surrendered single (hereinafter known as 'the good book') encourages single women that are ready to to date again to open themselves up to opportunity by making eye contact with men, smiling at them and generally engage them. Having nothing to lose, I decided to try it, though I felt a bit silly at first. I Immediately realised one thing - there are plenty of good looking, available looking men walking around the streets of Kampala, and moreover, I realised that I have always automatically looked away whenever a man begun to look my way - now why was that?? I guess I did not want any one of them catching my eye and perhaps asking me out - I was making myself completely unavailable!! (It was so bad that I couldn't even speak pleasantly to a man lest he hit on me!!)
The other thing that I have been encouraged to reconsider since reading the good book is my role as the female in a relationship - I have never been too good at receiving - compliments, affection, etc. I have felt that I had to meet the guy halfway, pay part of the bills, not let him pick me up or pay for fuel, etc. However, I have decided to consider the possibility that guys really enjoy doing for the women they are pursuing, and that I should enjoy simply letting them be the men and me be the woman and receive.
Thirdly, I should not feel that going on a date with anyone (letting them pick me up, buy me dinner or whatever) beholdens me to them in any way - I mean they are also just trying their luck and if it doesn't work out, tough! On my part, I should just try to have fun on the date and walk away if I find out that I don't want to date the guy again. My only job is to be my authentic self and try to figure out if the man is a good guy. (Thankfully, I have known for sometime that I need to look out only for the good guys, bad boys are just trouble - I got over my belief that I could change them)
All in all, I am feeling much more optimistic, I have decided to put myself out there more often, and to be available ( I don't know when I last attended a party or met anyone new!). I know I have alot to offer, and I believe there are guys out there with alot to offer too.
As for this Dutchman, I have to admit that I am having a hard time getting over him, especially since he insists on us staying in touch. But on reflection, he made it clear that he was not ready to be in a commited relationship, which I respect, but he should also respect the fact that I want to be in a committed relationship and he makes this difficult by hanging around.. I have decided thatI have to honour myself and cut communication - he can also sort himself out.. Moreover it occured to me that maybe he wants to stay in touch so he can keep his options open! A friend of mine put it so well - if I was the one insisting on staying in touch, I would be labelled as a stalker, but when he does it, it is cute - such a double standard!!!
Over the years, this education has continued - I have carried out lots of experiments, and disproved lots of theories, but I have always felt that it was better to have found out for myself - nothing like learning from one's own experience!!
A great source of information, theory and experience has been books - both fiction and self help. Ofcourse some people believe books don't always present life in a realistic way but I figure that for instance, if someone has hosted a relationship talk show for years and years, and then goes ahead to publish his/her findings, then this can rightly be considered research output!! Ofcourse one has to keep in mind that alot of things cannot be generalised to any one person, let alone a whole population; however one can certainly take a leaf out..
Anyway, I have recently begun to consider a paradigm shift in the way I view relationships - consider it the beginning of another experiment :-) Recently, I had to end a relationship that I really wished could have worked out - I really liked this guy and thought us to be perfect for one another but due to the fact that we were both in really different places in life, I had to accept the fact that I wouldn't get what I needed. The whole experience left me feeling quite demoralised - I guess it is only natural that when a relationship ends, one feels as though they will never meet anyone else - though ofcourse considering that I have met a couple of guys that I really liked and admired, it stands to reason that there are more out there. I guess one just feels like the effort necessary to pull away from the last relationship and get back onto the dating scene is just too much.
Whatever the case, I decided to evaluate my choices, and educate myself some on relationships. Enter 'the surrendered single' and one thing dawned on me: I really believed that all Ugandan men were cheats and that the only good men in Uganda were my two brothers-in-law - kind of unfair on all the rest since I don't know all the rest; not to mention seriously pessimistic, and very arrongant on my part!! The surrendered single (hereinafter known as 'the good book') encourages single women that are ready to to date again to open themselves up to opportunity by making eye contact with men, smiling at them and generally engage them. Having nothing to lose, I decided to try it, though I felt a bit silly at first. I Immediately realised one thing - there are plenty of good looking, available looking men walking around the streets of Kampala, and moreover, I realised that I have always automatically looked away whenever a man begun to look my way - now why was that?? I guess I did not want any one of them catching my eye and perhaps asking me out - I was making myself completely unavailable!! (It was so bad that I couldn't even speak pleasantly to a man lest he hit on me!!)
The other thing that I have been encouraged to reconsider since reading the good book is my role as the female in a relationship - I have never been too good at receiving - compliments, affection, etc. I have felt that I had to meet the guy halfway, pay part of the bills, not let him pick me up or pay for fuel, etc. However, I have decided to consider the possibility that guys really enjoy doing for the women they are pursuing, and that I should enjoy simply letting them be the men and me be the woman and receive.
Thirdly, I should not feel that going on a date with anyone (letting them pick me up, buy me dinner or whatever) beholdens me to them in any way - I mean they are also just trying their luck and if it doesn't work out, tough! On my part, I should just try to have fun on the date and walk away if I find out that I don't want to date the guy again. My only job is to be my authentic self and try to figure out if the man is a good guy. (Thankfully, I have known for sometime that I need to look out only for the good guys, bad boys are just trouble - I got over my belief that I could change them)
All in all, I am feeling much more optimistic, I have decided to put myself out there more often, and to be available ( I don't know when I last attended a party or met anyone new!). I know I have alot to offer, and I believe there are guys out there with alot to offer too.
As for this Dutchman, I have to admit that I am having a hard time getting over him, especially since he insists on us staying in touch. But on reflection, he made it clear that he was not ready to be in a commited relationship, which I respect, but he should also respect the fact that I want to be in a committed relationship and he makes this difficult by hanging around.. I have decided thatI have to honour myself and cut communication - he can also sort himself out.. Moreover it occured to me that maybe he wants to stay in touch so he can keep his options open! A friend of mine put it so well - if I was the one insisting on staying in touch, I would be labelled as a stalker, but when he does it, it is cute - such a double standard!!!
Monday, August 20, 2007
On Illness
I've had this nagging cough (of the Alpine fame) for 6 weeks now, despite follwoing a course of strong antibiotics for it about a month ago.. I've decided to ignore it - it will clear if it wants to or not clear - as it wishes.. My mom, naturally, thinks I'm too careless with my health; I on the other hand beg to differ - my last full physical gave me a clean bill of health!
Putting the diseases that have physical manifestations aside, of late an alarming number of women my age have developed and are being treated for cancer and cysts and fibroids and all manner of internal growths.. On that note an aunt of mine (2 years older than me) thinks it's high time we had a thorough check of our internal organs - she's probably right - thus far I've only had chest x-rays and blood tests - no checks on ovaries or colons or brains (yikes! - I'm watching too much 'House' methinks!) - and do they say that we become more succeptible to these diseases as we tend towards the mid-thirties? And do they also say having had no children at that age increases one's risk of certain growths?
Ah well, enough morbid thinking - and anyway, I have successfully avoided a pile of work on my desk for long enough - mind you I woke up early to tackle it in my newfound enthusiasm to achieve my dreams.. tsk, tsk.. Back to work!!!
Putting the diseases that have physical manifestations aside, of late an alarming number of women my age have developed and are being treated for cancer and cysts and fibroids and all manner of internal growths.. On that note an aunt of mine (2 years older than me) thinks it's high time we had a thorough check of our internal organs - she's probably right - thus far I've only had chest x-rays and blood tests - no checks on ovaries or colons or brains (yikes! - I'm watching too much 'House' methinks!) - and do they say that we become more succeptible to these diseases as we tend towards the mid-thirties? And do they also say having had no children at that age increases one's risk of certain growths?
Ah well, enough morbid thinking - and anyway, I have successfully avoided a pile of work on my desk for long enough - mind you I woke up early to tackle it in my newfound enthusiasm to achieve my dreams.. tsk, tsk.. Back to work!!!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
It's tough being back on the continent!
Low internet speeds, power cuts, the irresistable pull of idleness, name it - all I know is that this has meant NO more posts!! However, today I gathered myself (also coz I finished my tasks for the day earlier than I expected) and here I am..
Right.. I have to say that I am in one of those moods - serious optismism!! I feel as though hey!! I can do anything I set my heart to - and this came from a conversation I had with a friend of mine who after I had narrated my relationship woes from a couple of months ago (that still feel unresolved in my mind) asked me what exactly I was afraid of... (I admitted that I was paralysed by a feeling of fear - fear to move forward, etc.)
That really got me thinking - I realise that I dream of this great and wonderful life, to which I feel entittled, and which I feel perfectly capable of achieving, but perhaps don't fully believe it.. Or is the problem not believing but just lethargy?? Although I doubt that - I think belief really should mobilise one...
Of late I have been reading all these papers on the quality of education in Uganda and other African countries in preparation for my PhD thesis, and the articles and studies are by all these African men and women who work for all these international education bodies - I mean, I think that would be a dream job for me too BUT the question is: what would my life be like? Would I have to be content with seeing my friends once in a while (they visit or I visit) and work the rest of the time? I have this imagination that it would be very difficult to have a family as well!! I mean what would my husband do as I flew around the world or got transfered wherever? I know in the past wives have gone where their husbands have gone but surely husbands are not yet at the level of going where their wives go? Or should I trust that this will be possible for me alone? (K said once that she thinks I could very easily live right across the globe from my partner and children, and still manage to have great family relationships - oh they of great faith in me!)
This is what I mean about the fear to step into the life that I desire - I feel like the price will be too high, I lack the faith that God will take care of me, will work things out just for me - as though he hasn't done so wonderfully before!! And YET, on the other hand, I know cannot settle for the mundane life that I know awaits me if I take some other job or continue to teach here (as much as I like it) - generally the life that awaits anyone that doesn't follow their dream or take any risks!! I have sooo much confidence in my self but I can't figure out why I don't step out!!
On that note anyway, I hope this is a wake up call of some sort - as I felt at the beginning of the year, this year would be the end of one era and the beginning of something completely new and different - I should embrace it fully!
Right.. I have to say that I am in one of those moods - serious optismism!! I feel as though hey!! I can do anything I set my heart to - and this came from a conversation I had with a friend of mine who after I had narrated my relationship woes from a couple of months ago (that still feel unresolved in my mind) asked me what exactly I was afraid of... (I admitted that I was paralysed by a feeling of fear - fear to move forward, etc.)
That really got me thinking - I realise that I dream of this great and wonderful life, to which I feel entittled, and which I feel perfectly capable of achieving, but perhaps don't fully believe it.. Or is the problem not believing but just lethargy?? Although I doubt that - I think belief really should mobilise one...
Of late I have been reading all these papers on the quality of education in Uganda and other African countries in preparation for my PhD thesis, and the articles and studies are by all these African men and women who work for all these international education bodies - I mean, I think that would be a dream job for me too BUT the question is: what would my life be like? Would I have to be content with seeing my friends once in a while (they visit or I visit) and work the rest of the time? I have this imagination that it would be very difficult to have a family as well!! I mean what would my husband do as I flew around the world or got transfered wherever? I know in the past wives have gone where their husbands have gone but surely husbands are not yet at the level of going where their wives go? Or should I trust that this will be possible for me alone? (K said once that she thinks I could very easily live right across the globe from my partner and children, and still manage to have great family relationships - oh they of great faith in me!)
This is what I mean about the fear to step into the life that I desire - I feel like the price will be too high, I lack the faith that God will take care of me, will work things out just for me - as though he hasn't done so wonderfully before!! And YET, on the other hand, I know cannot settle for the mundane life that I know awaits me if I take some other job or continue to teach here (as much as I like it) - generally the life that awaits anyone that doesn't follow their dream or take any risks!! I have sooo much confidence in my self but I can't figure out why I don't step out!!
On that note anyway, I hope this is a wake up call of some sort - as I felt at the beginning of the year, this year would be the end of one era and the beginning of something completely new and different - I should embrace it fully!
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