On Trust

The last few weeks have been so busy that I have not had time to compose myself enough to blog; which is too bad since a lot has happened that will now be lost in the black hole in my memory. Actually my memory is so bad (and I know I should not confess such a negative thing) that I think one of the reasons I tell so many stories about what I am thinking and doing so that the people I tell can remember for me.. One of my closest friends remembers stuff so much better than me that that she sometimes has to convince me that this stuff really happened to me, recreating the setting and time and everything to aid my remembrance!!

Anyway.

Today I was forced out of my semi-retirement because of something that I learnt about myself this weekend - it really shook me to the bones.

So. It is like this. I know a good man. I have known him for five years. Apart from the first three months after we met, we’ve lived in different countries during this time. However, we have managed to keep in regular contact (mostly through his effort really). We have spent maybe ten days together during two different periods in the time we have been apart. Now, from the moment we met, we both knew that ours was no ordinary friendship, and that but for the lack of opportunity, we would definitely have dated. During the 10 days or so that we have spent together (mostly on holiday), we have found that we really like one another. We have discussed possibilities of dating but neither of us is able to move, nor can either of us handle long distance dating. We have decided to continue to be in touch while we see how things develop, but we are essentially free to date other people.

Now.

He has recently expressed a desire to see me in person during his Summer Break this year, and is looking into visiting with me in my country (although this is not definite yet). These plans have revived in me the question of where the two of us are going, especially in light of the view that every time we part after one of these visits we are plunged into paroxysms of longing and despair! (at least I am!). As such, in my infinite wisdom, I decided to ask only to come if he sees a future for our relationship. He said ok, he’d put this into consideration. We had a long talk about it and exchanged a few lovey dovey sms (we do this despite our ‘friends’ staus). Around that time, he took a few days replying an inane sms that I sent him and when he finally responded I completely flew off the handle. I told him that if he could not take 1 or 10 or even 30 minutes out of his day to respond to text (he says e-mail and text take him ages to compose), then I did not want the ‘free time’ that he was going to bestow on me during his Summer Break either. (Plus a host of other stuff ranting around the same theme - his not having time for me.)

He smsd to say he was sorry he had not replied my sms earlier but that all the same my sms made him out to be more evil than he was., finishing with a promise to write me an e-mail later. Later that night he sent me another sms saying he’d sent the e-mail but that as I read it, I should remember how much he liked me.

WOW! The Panic that set in!! Let me preface this by saying that this is one of the most patient men I know. I have pulled stunts that would un-horse a lesser man, but this man stays constant in his affection and commitment (to staying in my life, if only in a friendly capacity). So, that he would send me an sms to ask me to keep an eye on how much he likes me as I read this e-mail convinced me that he had finally had enough and was going to cut ties!

Since it was too late to go out to look for an internet café that was open, I had to wait until the morrow but let me tell you: I passed a night like none I have ever known before! The torture!! Of course it became crystal clear that I wanted this man and I to have another chance – or shall I say a chance? In truth we have never really had this. Here he was willing to come all the way to Africa to visit and I throw his offering in his face. I considered all the ways in which he and I get along, the many great conversations that we have had, the two great holidays, and I knew I was not ready to let him go.

The next day I lingered in bed, dreading the moment of truth. The need to ppe tried to push me out of bed but I resisted until my bladder was near bursting. I could sense the sunlight behind my closed eyelids and knew it was well into mid-morning. Still I resisted. Finally the pressure to pee became too great and I had to go - so opening my eyes to slits, I felt my way to the bathroom, and returned straight back to bed. After some minutes lying immobile in my bed, I realised the futility of my actions and decided to just get up and go and face the music.

SO. He told me he was really insulted that knowing how busy he is I would say that was only coming to see me because he had ‘time on his hands’ That he really understood I was disappointed about his late reply, but that he had wanted to include some info on his proposed trip in his reply, and this info had been so long in coming and he had ended up smsing without it anyway. That this not withstanding, he knew and I knew that our underlying disagreement was my wish to have ‘all or nothing’, while he could not in all honesty promise anything before he got his Medical Training over with. He really wished we could still be friends because really he had never met anyone like me. All the women he met simply did not measure up to me either. Moreover, he was afraid that he might one day regret it but he is simply not in a position to just say: LETS DO IT! This said, he wanted me to be happy, and he respected my feelings. He finished by saying he still wanted to come see me if I let him, and that he really wished we would still be friends.

Anyway, the short of it is that I felt such relief that I fairly burst into tears!! I could not believe I had gotten another chance. He said he had been really hurt by my remarks and that he hoped I would apologise for them, so I just wrote back to him apologising for my hurtful remarks and telling him was more than welcome to visit.

So. What did this incident teach me?

Well, first, let me tell you about this man. If you ask me on my sober days, I will tell you that I have not the slightest doubt about the depth of feeling this man has for me. He shows it in ways too many to count. He respects, admires and delights in me. I can describe in glowing detail all the things we have in common, and tell you about the countless hours we have spent on the phone sharing our lives across the ocean. I will tell you the strong attraction that we have between us and how the very blood in my veins boils if his fingers so much as brush my arm!

So why do I attempt, again and again, to push him away? This weekend it came to me clear as a bell. I think I am just really AFRAID to risk my heart! Hmm... I know this sounds obvious. Cliché. Too simple perhaps. However, I think it is completely true. I mean, one would think that the natural response to such steadfast affection should be to receive it, not to reject it. I am unable to simply believe that someone wants to continue calling me, to visit me, and to share his life with me, even when things don’t seem so defined between us. Before I can risk my affections further (by enjoying another holiday with him) I want reassurance that there is a future, that he would move mountains to be with me, give up his ambitions, do what he needed to do, to be with me. This is really unfair I think. If anything, I have much more flexibility on the moving front since I have been admitted to two Universities in Europe for my PhD, one of which is in his country. Of course I would not move just to be near him, but the fact is that it is completely impractical for him to move anywhere – he still has a couple of years left of his Medical Training, and realising this, he knows he cannot promise anything. All the same he is willing to invest in something that doesn’t seem to have much promise, by travelling here to spend his holidays with me. Knowing how I feel about him, why don’t I go with it until such a time as we run out of options? It is true this is a path that is fraught with danger, but after all, so is dating anyone. I can take comfort in the fact that I a have not put all my eggs in that basket (and would be unwise to do so) since I still accept men’s invitations to date. It is too bad that none of these dates has progressed beyond the first or second date, but maybe one of these days one will. In the meantime, why don’t I view this as yet another date, and relax into it?

I think that what I have learnt most of all is to allow relationships to unfold at their own pace – I can only live my best life in the meantime. I should quit trying to control things, and while admitting my desire to be in a loving relationship, have the faith that love will come to me, and that it will come to stay.

MADLY, DEEPLY, TRULY

(Not in Love, unfortunately)

No. Madly, Deeply, Truly - Unsatisfied? Unplugged? Out of sync? Dare I say it – Unhappy? I really can’t believe I dare say it (although I have said it) - for fear that it might actually come to pass! But perhaps I just have to face it, rather than hide from it..

So what has brought this on?

Well, it has probably been a long time a-cooking… This year was one year longer than I should have been where I am now. The whole year has actually been characterised by a pervasive longing to be elsewhere. The Buddhists say that desire is the root of all suffering, you know, wishing that things were different. BUT: (and I have said this before) how can one live without desire? It is all very well (and probably much more peaceful) to accept things as they are and declare them good and as they should be – however, and maybe it is a sign of severe spiritual paucity, I just cannot help my self!

My plight is not helped by recent warm communications with a man that I really like but that is far from me; or by the news that I can repair to a world class University anytime from now to start a PhD if I can find the money; or the glaring fact that these employers of mine hope to keep me in this (loathed!) position for the next two years – of course they cannot force me, but while they asked me nicely to ‘act’ for six months while they look for a ‘substantive’ replacement, they are clearly doing nothing of the sort. Leaving them in a lurch will look unprofessional, and I will end up looking like the bad guy!

Moreover, it is not as if I even have where to go with all my threatening to leave! This is an even more depressing thought because it shows how low my faith is of late!! Especially compared to earlier in the year: I had a chance to change jobs then… I went to the interview full of optimism, presented myself in my full glory, but was careful to tell nothing but the truth about my current aspirations – which included plans to pursue my PhD in the very near future. I suspected that this revelation might hurt my chances but I had no qualms admitting it (and anyway I would have been mis-representing myself) – now that was faith talking!! I wonder if I am not now losing all hope just as the light of dawn peeps over the horizon!

But anyway, what is the way forward, besides and beyond this ranting?

Possibly:

Try and keep the faith. Hold on. Keep praying. Keep hoping.

Or

Change direction slightly. There is a new opportunity at work that would tie in very well with the subject of my PhD study – it would involve me being responsible for the quality assurance of programs within the University, an initiative funded by the German Government, and for which position I only have one competitor currently. It would also be in line with a proposal that I made the University a year ago in which I tried to get them to change my duties so that my work would better match my skills and aspirations – as I said, I have been in a place that I have not wanted to be this whole academic year!! Receipt of that proposal was acknowledged but nothing was really done about it. Maybe I should revive it together with my bid to be the quality assurance person. The only fly in that ointment is the fact that I would have to work under the MOST difficult individual in the University – but I think I am equal to the task – all his attempts to bully me in our previous encounters have met with my most charming but determined resistance!! And anyway, I have already been working with the second most difficult in the University so! J

Hmmm.

What to do?

All this of course is not helped by the fact that I am in the middle of end of semester marking – good GOD but it is gruelling!! On the other hand it has been the source of serious self motivating efforts, for which I can pat myself on the back – I really had to put some emotional intelligence to work Monday morning!! Proof that every cloud has a silver lining!

And another thing:

All my friends at work have left – even the residential hottie that I have been flirting with is hot-footing it out of here tomorrow!! Ah well. Better call on some more of that emotional intelligence and pick myself up. As for resolving my dilemma, I have decided – tentatively – that I will go ahead and renew my proposal from last year together with making the bid for quality assurance person, and if this yields nothing, then I will really have to think about leaving all together!! I cannot put myself through another year of this misery!! At the same time of course, I will hold on to the faith – this proposal actually fits perfectly with the PhD program, especially if I follow the sandwich model, which model will also put me in the same town as my far away love – if only the money for this PhD could show up!! L Or rather – it WILL show up J

P.S. Is this me trying to hold on to BOTH possibilities at once? Sigh……

SO, WHAT'S UP?

This evening, I took a mat and sat on my veranda and tried to face my current dis-ease. I feel all confused. Now this has become of great concern because although I have moments of respite, I have really been unable to shake this feeling for the last month or so – since just after Easter actually. It is said that all negative emotions – anger, confusion, depression, etc., are signs that one is out of alignment, and today I finally have to ask myself the question:

‘What’s up?’

The signs of this dis-ease: I catch myself frowning more often than smiling (although I have frowned since babyhood - so maybe that shouldn’t alarm me – or was I confused then too?); my face is breaking up more than usual, I have put on weight, the other day I had a bout of manic eating that left me holding my stomach in an anguish of painful indigestion, and then other days I’m off my food! Plus I am passing these great amounts of really foul gas!! Isn’t this proof that systems are broken? Although it could also be the half kilo of lamb that I ate earlier this week – at two sittings granted but still.

Today I sat at my desk failing to decide what to have for lunch, until I was so hungry I rushed home and begun to throw things into a bowl and mash them – in went that over ripe avocado that I had been wondering what to do with, then the idea came to me to make guacamole, so I cut up the onions and the tomatoes, balked at the garlic, threw in some left over sardines, grated some cheese into it, salt and pepper, tasted, didn’t taste right but couldn’t figure out why, I added some lemon, still not right but eh! - ate it anyway. Made some coffee with milk and ate two cookies. Then lay down and 20 minutes later began to roll around on my bed with a terrific stomach ache, and a nausea so powerful it had me holding my nose away from my clothes because they just made me want to throw up! Infact my whole house smelled – of onion peelings and stale cooking oil and other unidentifiable smells.. As I sit here, my prospects for dinner don’t look so great either – I made this vegetable juice yesterday with celery and parsley and carrots that is just plain nasty!! But it sounds so healthy that I am thinking maybe I will take it with some yogurt? Or lace it with gin. Or both! J Although, God knows I don’t think I should try to bury all this under alcohol – and anyway, alcohol always makes me feel even worse.

Something is not right. Obviously.

I know it all has to do with what I need to be doing to follow my dreams. Some beliefs say that everything is as it should be, and is already perfect (would that be the Buddhists?). Soon after I left Uni I learnt what I think was a valuable and enduring lesson – suffering is good for me – it paves the way for change. On the other hand, if I understand them correctly, the Buddhists say we cause our own suffering, and that suffering arises out of desire – but how to live without desire? I don’t remember if there is such a thing as ‘good desire’, I think all desire is supposed to be detrimental! Anyway - enough holding forth on my half knowledge of Buddhism – to more practical matters…

What do I really want?? What will make me happy? (How is that for practical?) The eternal quest for happiness seems to have me in a stranglehold! My Christian friends might say to me that I am floundering in this fashion as a direct result of having left the straight and narrow – ok, I’m willing to consider this, but let’s put that possibility to one side for the moment. A recurring thought in the past year or so is the fact that my job no longer satisfies me. And then, there are things I love to do, that I don’t do enough of (such as travel, immerse myself in new cultures, get answers to big questions, etc.) All this dissatisfaction is compounded by the fact that my only two friends have left the University and yet my general beliefs and culture have tended to isolate me; the only other person I could halfway talk to has a girlfriend who treats me with high suspicion.

How do you like the pity party so far?

The one shinning thing in my life at the moment is my reading!! That really does it for me.

A few posts back I signed off saying that I should go and figure out what I want – I am afraid I have not made any big strides in that direction, so I am forced to come to a point where I have decided that I should take up serious prayer again – the bible says that we do not know what we should pray about, but the Spirit itself intercedes on our behalf with groans that words cannot express. Maybe I should literally cry out to God, prostrate myself before him, roll on the floor if necessary – maybe sit in sackcloth and ashes outside my office (J that would be quite a sight!) One way or another this has got to end!!

This business with the Dutchman also does not help matters. The man continues to call, but says nothing in effect. And I am really able to just let him come to his own decision on this (wonder of wonders!), but in the meantime this upsets my equilibrium – I just wish he could work out his side of the issue without having to speak to me at all! The area of relationships is another one that I know I should decide on what kind of companion I need and just let God pick him out!! I think I am still secretly hanging on to this man – good though he may be.

So anyway, I am sitting here in quiet, feeling a little relieved after thinking these things through (I seem to think much better when I am writing – talking?), but I still feel as though I am not arriving at a concrete decision. At this point I need to remind myself that I should allow myself to be present in the chaos, and know that out of the chaos always emerges a perfect solution. Not only that, things are as they should be, and I should allow myself to suffer needlessly – it is just that I do not yet see – but soon I shall – let me hold on to that.