MADLY, DEEPLY, TRULY

(Not in Love, unfortunately)

No. Madly, Deeply, Truly - Unsatisfied? Unplugged? Out of sync? Dare I say it – Unhappy? I really can’t believe I dare say it (although I have said it) - for fear that it might actually come to pass! But perhaps I just have to face it, rather than hide from it..

So what has brought this on?

Well, it has probably been a long time a-cooking… This year was one year longer than I should have been where I am now. The whole year has actually been characterised by a pervasive longing to be elsewhere. The Buddhists say that desire is the root of all suffering, you know, wishing that things were different. BUT: (and I have said this before) how can one live without desire? It is all very well (and probably much more peaceful) to accept things as they are and declare them good and as they should be – however, and maybe it is a sign of severe spiritual paucity, I just cannot help my self!

My plight is not helped by recent warm communications with a man that I really like but that is far from me; or by the news that I can repair to a world class University anytime from now to start a PhD if I can find the money; or the glaring fact that these employers of mine hope to keep me in this (loathed!) position for the next two years – of course they cannot force me, but while they asked me nicely to ‘act’ for six months while they look for a ‘substantive’ replacement, they are clearly doing nothing of the sort. Leaving them in a lurch will look unprofessional, and I will end up looking like the bad guy!

Moreover, it is not as if I even have where to go with all my threatening to leave! This is an even more depressing thought because it shows how low my faith is of late!! Especially compared to earlier in the year: I had a chance to change jobs then… I went to the interview full of optimism, presented myself in my full glory, but was careful to tell nothing but the truth about my current aspirations – which included plans to pursue my PhD in the very near future. I suspected that this revelation might hurt my chances but I had no qualms admitting it (and anyway I would have been mis-representing myself) – now that was faith talking!! I wonder if I am not now losing all hope just as the light of dawn peeps over the horizon!

But anyway, what is the way forward, besides and beyond this ranting?

Possibly:

Try and keep the faith. Hold on. Keep praying. Keep hoping.

Or

Change direction slightly. There is a new opportunity at work that would tie in very well with the subject of my PhD study – it would involve me being responsible for the quality assurance of programs within the University, an initiative funded by the German Government, and for which position I only have one competitor currently. It would also be in line with a proposal that I made the University a year ago in which I tried to get them to change my duties so that my work would better match my skills and aspirations – as I said, I have been in a place that I have not wanted to be this whole academic year!! Receipt of that proposal was acknowledged but nothing was really done about it. Maybe I should revive it together with my bid to be the quality assurance person. The only fly in that ointment is the fact that I would have to work under the MOST difficult individual in the University – but I think I am equal to the task – all his attempts to bully me in our previous encounters have met with my most charming but determined resistance!! And anyway, I have already been working with the second most difficult in the University so! J

Hmmm.

What to do?

All this of course is not helped by the fact that I am in the middle of end of semester marking – good GOD but it is gruelling!! On the other hand it has been the source of serious self motivating efforts, for which I can pat myself on the back – I really had to put some emotional intelligence to work Monday morning!! Proof that every cloud has a silver lining!

And another thing:

All my friends at work have left – even the residential hottie that I have been flirting with is hot-footing it out of here tomorrow!! Ah well. Better call on some more of that emotional intelligence and pick myself up. As for resolving my dilemma, I have decided – tentatively – that I will go ahead and renew my proposal from last year together with making the bid for quality assurance person, and if this yields nothing, then I will really have to think about leaving all together!! I cannot put myself through another year of this misery!! At the same time of course, I will hold on to the faith – this proposal actually fits perfectly with the PhD program, especially if I follow the sandwich model, which model will also put me in the same town as my far away love – if only the money for this PhD could show up!! L Or rather – it WILL show up J

P.S. Is this me trying to hold on to BOTH possibilities at once? Sigh……

SO, WHAT'S UP?

This evening, I took a mat and sat on my veranda and tried to face my current dis-ease. I feel all confused. Now this has become of great concern because although I have moments of respite, I have really been unable to shake this feeling for the last month or so – since just after Easter actually. It is said that all negative emotions – anger, confusion, depression, etc., are signs that one is out of alignment, and today I finally have to ask myself the question:

‘What’s up?’

The signs of this dis-ease: I catch myself frowning more often than smiling (although I have frowned since babyhood - so maybe that shouldn’t alarm me – or was I confused then too?); my face is breaking up more than usual, I have put on weight, the other day I had a bout of manic eating that left me holding my stomach in an anguish of painful indigestion, and then other days I’m off my food! Plus I am passing these great amounts of really foul gas!! Isn’t this proof that systems are broken? Although it could also be the half kilo of lamb that I ate earlier this week – at two sittings granted but still.

Today I sat at my desk failing to decide what to have for lunch, until I was so hungry I rushed home and begun to throw things into a bowl and mash them – in went that over ripe avocado that I had been wondering what to do with, then the idea came to me to make guacamole, so I cut up the onions and the tomatoes, balked at the garlic, threw in some left over sardines, grated some cheese into it, salt and pepper, tasted, didn’t taste right but couldn’t figure out why, I added some lemon, still not right but eh! - ate it anyway. Made some coffee with milk and ate two cookies. Then lay down and 20 minutes later began to roll around on my bed with a terrific stomach ache, and a nausea so powerful it had me holding my nose away from my clothes because they just made me want to throw up! Infact my whole house smelled – of onion peelings and stale cooking oil and other unidentifiable smells.. As I sit here, my prospects for dinner don’t look so great either – I made this vegetable juice yesterday with celery and parsley and carrots that is just plain nasty!! But it sounds so healthy that I am thinking maybe I will take it with some yogurt? Or lace it with gin. Or both! J Although, God knows I don’t think I should try to bury all this under alcohol – and anyway, alcohol always makes me feel even worse.

Something is not right. Obviously.

I know it all has to do with what I need to be doing to follow my dreams. Some beliefs say that everything is as it should be, and is already perfect (would that be the Buddhists?). Soon after I left Uni I learnt what I think was a valuable and enduring lesson – suffering is good for me – it paves the way for change. On the other hand, if I understand them correctly, the Buddhists say we cause our own suffering, and that suffering arises out of desire – but how to live without desire? I don’t remember if there is such a thing as ‘good desire’, I think all desire is supposed to be detrimental! Anyway - enough holding forth on my half knowledge of Buddhism – to more practical matters…

What do I really want?? What will make me happy? (How is that for practical?) The eternal quest for happiness seems to have me in a stranglehold! My Christian friends might say to me that I am floundering in this fashion as a direct result of having left the straight and narrow – ok, I’m willing to consider this, but let’s put that possibility to one side for the moment. A recurring thought in the past year or so is the fact that my job no longer satisfies me. And then, there are things I love to do, that I don’t do enough of (such as travel, immerse myself in new cultures, get answers to big questions, etc.) All this dissatisfaction is compounded by the fact that my only two friends have left the University and yet my general beliefs and culture have tended to isolate me; the only other person I could halfway talk to has a girlfriend who treats me with high suspicion.

How do you like the pity party so far?

The one shinning thing in my life at the moment is my reading!! That really does it for me.

A few posts back I signed off saying that I should go and figure out what I want – I am afraid I have not made any big strides in that direction, so I am forced to come to a point where I have decided that I should take up serious prayer again – the bible says that we do not know what we should pray about, but the Spirit itself intercedes on our behalf with groans that words cannot express. Maybe I should literally cry out to God, prostrate myself before him, roll on the floor if necessary – maybe sit in sackcloth and ashes outside my office (J that would be quite a sight!) One way or another this has got to end!!

This business with the Dutchman also does not help matters. The man continues to call, but says nothing in effect. And I am really able to just let him come to his own decision on this (wonder of wonders!), but in the meantime this upsets my equilibrium – I just wish he could work out his side of the issue without having to speak to me at all! The area of relationships is another one that I know I should decide on what kind of companion I need and just let God pick him out!! I think I am still secretly hanging on to this man – good though he may be.

So anyway, I am sitting here in quiet, feeling a little relieved after thinking these things through (I seem to think much better when I am writing – talking?), but I still feel as though I am not arriving at a concrete decision. At this point I need to remind myself that I should allow myself to be present in the chaos, and know that out of the chaos always emerges a perfect solution. Not only that, things are as they should be, and I should allow myself to suffer needlessly – it is just that I do not yet see – but soon I shall – let me hold on to that.

WRITING, PRAYING, AGAIN...

So, I just came from reading the book by Elizabeth Gilbert called ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ – she ate in Italy, prayed in India and found Love (and balance) in Bali. I have to admit I started out not being too thrilled by this book – I found the author tended to use language that was too expressive so that one felt she was trying too hard – not to say that her analogies were not very vivid or interesting or funny, or that her expressions were out of place – it is just that they were a wee bit overdone. I myself prefer the understatement of things, the stealthy coming upon me of facts, events, meanings.. so that page after page I am subtly drawn into the tale without my even noticing it.

ANYWAY.

I guess just like meeting someone that you doubt you are going to like at first, some people grow on one, and before you know it, they are playing a pivotal role in your life!! I eventually began to relate to the author because we share a love for travel and food! In addition to that was her search for God, for balance, for love – for love and acceptance of self above all. For contentment. Peace. At one point I also recognised my tendency to yap because boy can this author yap! It brought me face to face with my own inability to be silent (she found this particularly hard as well) as I recalled this very past weekend. There are these people who make the journey from the city to travel the 80 odd km to our University every other Sunday, and I often travel along with them. Now what happens is that I find myself telling story after story or commenting on the scenery or sharing my profound insights into life!! Every passing car reminds me of this or the other incident, every song that plays on the car radio has a story to it. Sometimes after I have told a particularly long anecdote, silence will descend upon us and I will realise that I have been ranting on about a not particularly exciting story about people none of them know for the last 15 minutes. As I read the book I recalled catching myself repeatedly interrupting guys in the car this past weekend. And it is not even that I am uncomfortable with silence (I answered that question long ago), I think I am just starved for conversation with like minded people, which is why I should realise that interrupting them and hogging all the attention is hardly the way to get them to keep asking me to ride with them. Case in point:

I was telling this story about a woman who had gotten married the previous weekend – I should say here that I heard this story third or fourth hand and I have told it to three or four different parties – I fear with slight adjustments for effect every time. Anyway, the bride to be admitted to her girlfriends at her bridal shower that her fiancé was not the least bit romantic, but that she had learned to live with it. My friends went on to tell me they proved this by the fact that the man did not crack a single smile the entire day of his wedding, failing to crack even under the continuous teasing and cajoling of the MC and everyone who took the mic besides, not even the photographers were able to put a dent in his armour, I’d like to think that even the celebrant would have had no luck if he tried (I might have reported the celebrant bit as though it really happened). Anyway, I point out that this is not to say, in my opinion, that not smiling = not romantic but anyway, my friends took this as evidence. Further evidence that their friend was really in trouble though came with the groom’s speech: he told his friends that they were now welcome to visit any time because at last he had a real home and someone to cook and clean – my friends SWORE this was true!! Apparently one of them rang the happy bride the day after the wedding to see that she was well rested etc. and found her en-route to the shops to get spices for a goat that her in-laws had given them at the wedding that was going down that day!

Now, in the middle of telling this story, one of my listeners interjects to say that all this business of being ‘romantic’ was over rated and misunderstood. He took a breath to expound and I jumped in there: ‘of course romance is misunderstood (I did not want to be caught thinking otherwise – I actually think many girls put too much emphasis on ‘romantic’ as a trait and ignore more important characteristics, but surely I could have let the man finish his thought!! I was fully aware that I didn’t want him finishing before I said my bit because I didn’t want him thinking I thought being romantic was a big deal (I do think it isn’t the end all and be all). However this is evidence of my general fighting for acceptance (?), or something like that. Anyway I prattled on about how it was more important for a future spouse be considerate, caring, loving, committed, helpful, etc., and that a lot of girls were too easily swept off their feet by flowers and chocolate and sweet nothings, which some sharp men were using to great advantage more and more these days, and on and on and I pontificated!! My poor listener had to leave the floor.

All this to say: I really related to the writer of the book on the issue of being unable to be silent, and even attempted some meditation after I finished reading the book. I am sorry to report that my mind simply refused to be quieted! Mediation has never been easy I have to admit. It could be a residual fear from the time I was Christian when it was said that meditation and emptying one’s mind was opening a gateway for demons or evil spirits.. Or it could be that my mind is teeming with so many thoughts all the time that that I should not try to suppress – instead I should let them out – like I am doing now writing this down. I don’t know. Anyway during my so-called meditation, I suddenly hit on the bright idea to come sit at my computer and write as a think – in the past I have actually felt that writing was for me a way to pray, to clear my mind, to think things through, to attain realisation – or whatever. So here I am.

Someone just passed my window cryig put about how hungry she is – she reminded me of a super skinny roommate of mine at Uni who woke up everyday and ate nothing at all all day. By mid morning she would have started: ‘You guys, I am soooo famished’. as the day wore on, this began to sound like a lament – like she was praying or something. Keening – that is the word. By evening, looking like she could fade right away, she would finally nibble on a piece of bread, and the cycle would begin all over again the next day. Automatically I turn to my workmates to share this little tidbit, but I suppress the impulse. I really have my work cut out for me!!

I tell myself to just sit quietly. To reflect. Think. Be.

Another voice says: why are you trying so hard to be someone else??

A third voice says: everything is as it should be.

Things are tight!